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Pay Back

by Laurence 

Posted: 28 October 2009
Word Count: 560
Summary: Week 182 Challenge


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‘Damn’ I shouted, as my car screeched to a halt avoiding a branch across the road. Things couldn’t get worse after an altercation with my mistress; I needed to get home to avoid more questions. I fumbled for my mobile; I let out another expletive as I discovered no signal. Getting out of the car a cold draft of air hit me; I reached inside for my coat. I knew I could reach my village through the woods within thirty minutes. I locked the car and stepped off the road onto the sloping grass verge and entered the first clump of trees. I had been in the woods many times but never at dusk; my instinct was to walk straight but the trees don’t always allow this to happen, very soon I was completely disorientated. Looking around I could not recognise where I had entered the wood nor in which direction to continue. The trees had become denser and what light there was, battled through the high canopy. I sensed I was being watched; muttering to myself this was the stuff of horror movies, I forged on deeper into the wood.

I mused on what was the subtle distinction between a wood and a forest when I suddenly saw a light ahead. A flood of relief ran through my entire body; I must be closer to the village than I thought. My relief was short lived; the light source was a bonfire burning in a small glade. The trees stood tall and straight around the clearing like soldiers on parade. The fire reflected off their trunks producing some strange and hideous shapes making the area more grotesque.

‘Hello? Anyone there?’ I called, but no reply came. ‘Hello?’ I shouted a second time. Again I sensed eyes were watching my every move. I stepped out into the clearing and walked towards the fire; the heat was welcoming but before getting any benefit from it my senses reeled as I saw a pole several metres from the fire with a skull adorning its top. I shrunk back with horror; bile rising in my throat. Something darted behind one of the trees. ‘Hello? Who’s there?’ I screamed; my nerves on edge. And yet I did not want to meet whoever was out there. I moved from the fire and began running across the glade, my feet slipped on the leafy ground. My shoes had no grip; I fell to my knees and crawled, my whole being wracked with fear.

A figure stepped out in front of me robed and barefoot. I scurried away from the figure on all fours, whimpering like a wounded animal. My eyes travelled up the figure, the face was hidden by a hood. I knew it was human by its breath vaporising on the cold air. A movement to my left heralded the arrival of more hooded spectres.

‘We have been expecting you,’ said a voice both gentle and seductive. I was brought to my feet by two of them. I was presented before the red figure. My eyes widened and I struggled frantically when the blade of a knife glinted in the fire light. I was forced to my knees; the red figure pulled back the hood. 'Mary,' I gasped.The cold steel of my wife's blade pressed against my throat.

'You thought I didn't know about your mistress?'







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Comments by other Members



tusker at 16:49 on 28 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence,

This is creepy and horrific. Great atmosphere.

I got a bit confused, though, as the story was told as a 1st person narration. Then we got to his wife and, obviously, your MC had met a horrible end.

See what the others think, but I'd change the first person. It would flow a lot better and then Mrs. Quinn would fit into the tale much better. Or keep the 1st person and make it present and not past all the way through.

Before you got to Mrs. Quinn, you've written too many 'figures' in 2 paragraphs. Maybe use forms, shapes etc so its not repetitive.

Jennifer

Prospero at 18:56 on 28 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence

I agree with Jennifer about the change of Point of View (POV), perhaps have Mrs Quinn present at Quinn's death so she can tell him she knew about his adultery.

Best

John

Laurence at 19:14 on 28 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks for your comments Jennifer and John.

I've removed the many 'figures' and brought Mary Quinn into the scene earlier.

She had always been the revengeful killer!

Laurence

Findy at 19:27 on 28 October 2009  Report this post
Creepy and scary. I liked the first part, am not too sure of the shift - the story sort of breaks, I felt the last para is not necessary at all, but then it could be just me, see what the other's say.

A typo -

I move from the fire and began running across the glade


'd' is missing in move

A suggestion, can this line be

I fell to my knees and crawled, my whole being wracked with fear.


instead of

I fell to my knees and so continued crawling, my whole being wracked with fear.


Loved the description of the woods.

findy


jenzarina at 19:36 on 28 October 2009  Report this post
Hmm, I've been musing on the last paragraph, not really understanding the doorbell ringing and wondering if it breaks the flow.
Would it be possible instead to have something like:

I was forced to my knees; the red figure pulled back the hood. 'Mary,' I gasped.The cold steel of my wife's blade pressed against my throat. ‘You thought I didn’t know about your mistress?' she asked.

...And then just leave it hanging?

Also, there are too many semicolons in the first para, and I do love a semicolon!

But apart from my niggles I enjoyed it, a good tale of come-uppance!

<Added>

oooh, there's a lot of unexpected bold text happening there. Spooky.

Laurence at 20:47 on 28 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Findy = just dealt with those niggles!

Too many good suggestions coming from all quarters.

Thanks

Laurence

Laurence at 21:03 on 28 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks for your comments jenzarina. Played around with the ending - thinks it works a little better.

Laurence

Bunbry at 21:05 on 28 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence, a good menacing tale!

My only suggestion would be to mention his wife's name earlier in the story so that when he says 'Mary' at the end we know who she is.

Nick

librarygirl at 23:07 on 28 October 2009  Report this post
Wow I actually got a bit scared reading this. getting lost int the dark in the words around Halloween, it was never going to end well was it! and yet the ending had a bit of a twist which I really like.

The only line I didn't like was the second one;

'Things couldn’t get worse after an altercation with my mistress;'

People who have mistress's rarely call them my 'mistress' to me this sounded more like a peasant talking about someone who he was working for. I would give the 'mistress' a name you can give clues to the reader that she is the 'other woman' maybe by slipping in a few deatials about the altercation? - Just a suggestion.

This was a really good scarey story. Thanks for the read!



Laurence at 09:49 on 29 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Nick and librarygirl for your comments they were much appreciated. I think in a re-write I will take these on board. I've been thinking about the incident and wonder if this could be developed into a much fuller story. Who knows?

Thanks

Laurence

V`yonne at 17:01 on 29 October 2009  Report this post
I think it's okay for length. The point about the 'mistress' made me step back too and I thought the 'coven' could have been more brought out at the end and maybe the 'mistress' among them?

Laurence at 18:31 on 29 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Oonah was thinking of bringing the mistress into the group but decided against it.

Laurence

V`yonne at 21:16 on 29 October 2009  Report this post
Oh, there's nothong like kiss and tell covens! Go for it!

Laurence at 23:03 on 29 October 2009  Report this post
I think this flash could develop much further Oonah thanks for the push!!

Laurence

jenzarina at 21:42 on 02 November 2009  Report this post
Just reading this again - all the revisions work really well!


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