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what girls

by Tmog 

Posted: 28 October 2009
Word Count: 84
Summary: from my collection of memeories from a lost youth
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What girls

What girls have I cherished
what lips I have kissed
what hands have I held
what loves I have missed
what hearts have I broken
what tears I have cried
what words have I spoken
what times I have lied.

what girls have I held
what lips I have missed
what hands have I cherished
what loves I have kissed
what hearts have I spoken
what tears I have lied
what words have I broken
what times I have cried.

Tony Morgan






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Comments by other Members



woodsville at 21:14 on 28 October 2009  Report this post
Ye the poem if I understand it contrasts the approach of someone to love and relationships. In the first part there is a superficial attitude of the speaker this is then contrasted with the second - which is more reflective.

I felt that you could improve this by using consonants and assonance. L,T, K, R & S sounds are easier to pronounce compared to g,h, m y & w sounds. The same goes for the vowel sounds e,a,i,o,u. The point is that if you're contrasting perceptions then a superficial understanding is communicated via the faster sounds. And equally slowing the line is communicated by the slower sounds.

So in section 1 more L's, S's & T's

What lips I have kissed
What innocence I have risked etc..

Section 2 g,h,m, & w.

What girls I have held
What women I have missed

You could go on to develop the poem by contrasting the quicker pace of line with innocence. The slower pace with an older woman and the loss of using old habits in other settings.

Anyway thats all fro me.
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NicciF at 11:16 on 29 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Tony

I enjoyed reading this lighthearted reflection on past relationships. I felt it flowed well and has a good natual rhythm.

It took me several attemtps to get my brain to read "I have" rather than "have I". It's interesting that I think this would work both ways.

What girls I have cherished
What lips I have kissed

Statement

and

"What girls have I cherished
What lips have I kissed"

Questions - perhaps unanswered and thus adding more reflection and possibly regret.

Perhaps a mixture of the two approaches would add more depth.

Nicci
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