ALLS HALLOW EVE
Posted: 27 October 2009
Word Count: 301
Summary: HALLOWEEN POEM FROM HAPPY BOTTOM
* I'd appreciate comments to help me improve this. I set out to write something completely different, though can't remember what! Was going to delete, but a friend liked it, so would like to tidy it up. How does it read for you? Is the rhythm okay? All comments much appreciated. Thanks!
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ALLS HALLOW EVE
This is a Halloween poem from Happy Bottom.
Bob lamb from Rams Bottom sheep Farm
was trying to give up the beer
Made it a New Year’s resolution
Year, after Year, after Year.
Then ...
One night, leaving ‘The Piddle Pub’
mind and senses swilling
He planned on walking home
only wobbly legs weren’t willing.
Along a foot path, down the lane
past three silver birch
Needing then to rest a while
sought sanctuary in the church.
The door was bolted, entry blocked
and then, you’d best believe
Through the graveyard he did go
on this - ‘All Hallows Eve’!
Stars and moon shone in the sky
as he walked without a fear
But that would change, as all things strange
tiptoed ever near...
The veil that separates alien worlds
was almost now transparent
And with spirit night in full flight
this soon would be apparent.
Witches , ghosts and ghastly ghouls
the hour had now awaken
To feast their sights upon poor Bob
who in his shoes was shakin’.
Spooky screeching, filled the air,
phantoms gathered round
Bob opened wide his mouth to scream
but failed to make a sound.
His fear was real, the air was chilled
and spirits soon gave chase
He ducked and dived, closed his eyes
tripped- fell flat on his face.
Mind did its worst, body was cursed
the future? - he must choose
Wanted to stay, see the next day
had a life, with too much to lose.
Hiding his eyes, with pounding heart
body a quivering jelly
Footsteps came by, he prayed not to die
as something prodded his belly.
“Drinking again?” the Vicar’s voice said
“ Be warned, now you must stop.”
And from that day to this, for as long as he lived
Bob never touched a drop!
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Comments by other Members
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 NicciF at 11:47 on 28 October 2009
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Hi Joella
I'm afraid I wont be able to comment too much on the technical aspects - I'll leave that to those in the group far more able than I. So I'm going to concentrate on the rhythm and pick up bits that could do with a little polishing.
| Bob lamb from Rams Bottom sheep Farm |
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Great names, as always. I know why you've included the word "sheep", however, it will probably scan better without it.
One night, leaving ‘The Piddle Pub’
mind and senses swilling
He planned on walking home
only wobbly legs weren’t willing. |
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I love this this. Although children might not understand the real meaning, I'm sure that they'll love the picture it creates. I also know that most of the parents reading it will beable to relate to it.
The door was bolted, entry blocked
and then, you’d best believe
Through the graveyard he did go
on this - ‘All Hallows Eve’! |
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The change in word order "he did go", makes this a little forced. How about something like:
The door was bolted, entry blocked
and then, you'd best believe
he went into the graveyard,
on this - 'All Hallows Eve'!
Should this be awoken? Although of course that then gives you a problem with the 4th line.
Spooky screeching, filled the air,
phantoms gathered round
Bob opened wide his mouth to scream
but failed to make a sound. |
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I love this, and think it could be the basis for a great illustration.
| tripped- fell flat on his face |
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No matter how I read this I keep stumbling over this line. Something like "tripped and fell upon his face" might work better, perhaps without the "tripped".
“Drinking again?” the Vicar’s voice said
“ Be warned, now you must stop.”
And from that day to this, for as long as he lived
Bob never touched a drop! |
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I love this idea and again the illustration that could go with it. A feww too many words I think. What about something like this?
"Drinking again?" the Vicar said
"This really has to stop."
And from that day to this,
Bob has never touched a drop!
I hope that all made sense. I think the overall concept is great and that children (and adults) will love the humour. Hearing more about the goings on in your Happy Bottom is always a pleasure ;
Nicci
PS. I don't think I did too badly for a newbie poet and no non technical one at that.
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Joella at 12:29 on 28 October 2009
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Hi Nicci and thank you for your help. How about these changes?
Witches , ghosts and ghastly ghouls
were starting to assemble
to feast their sights upon poor Bob
who to the bone did tremble.
His fear was real, the air was chilled
and spirits soon gave chase
He ducked and dived, closed his eyes
to fall flat on his face.
(This verse gave me the most trouble)
I took out 'sheep' and wrote -' into the graveyard...' Also changed vicar's dialogue as you suggested.
So Nicci, I owe you a great big THANK YOU!
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NicciF at 12:36 on 28 October 2009
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Hi Joella
Always pleased to help. Will re-read your changes whilst having a cup of something reviving. I'll get back to you asap.
The pleasure is all mine.
Nicci
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 James Graham at 21:17 on 28 October 2009
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Hi Joella - Nicci has pointed out most of the little bits where the rhythm needs improving. Here are some more suggestions:
| And TRIPPED and FELL upON his FACE |
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(as Nicci suggests)
And FROM that AWFUL day to THIS,
He's NEver TOUCHED a DROP |
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| He PLANNED to WALK the HOMEward ROAD |
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| This HOUR comPELLED to WAKen |
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Another very entertaining piece. I did feel maybe some (or even just one) of the spectres should be described in more gory detail. Or rather, comic gory detail. Say one of the 'ghastly ghouls' comes up really close - ghouls are such indeterminate things that describing one leaves you free to make it look like anything you choose. Tiny red eyes, huge green eyes, horns, spiky hair, four arms, whatever. Of course, if you publish with illustrations, perhaps that could be left to the illustrator.
Do you know Burns's poem 'Tam o Shanter'? Tam is a drunken farmer who, on his way home from the pub, has to pass by an old ruined church where he is entertained by a bunch of witches doing Highland dancing. The Devil sits in a corner, in the shape of a scruffy dog, playing the bagpipes. The highlight for Tam is when the witches begin to get too hot and sweaty and strip off their clothes. Unlike your hero, however, Tam does not vow to give up drinking - not if it means giving up late-night cabaret! Your story reminded me of Burns's poem.
James.
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NicciF at 11:21 on 29 October 2009
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Hi James
Thanks for reminding me of Tam o'Shanter - I haven't read that for years. Must see if I can find a copy on-line. I might be wrong, however, I don't think there's a lot of call for Burns in libraries in very rural France.
Joella - I like James' idea of a comic description of a ghoul. It would really give your illustrator something to work with.
Nicci
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Joella at 15:21 on 30 October 2009
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James and Nicci, thanks for taking time to comment. I have found your observations very useful. James I really liked:
He planned to walk the homeward road
and
this hour compelled to waken.
They both fit perfectly. I've amended the piece and posted in the children's writers forum to see what member make of it now. I appreciate the way you take time to explain, James, as I'm no expert.
I didn't know the poem 'Tam O Shanter' by Burns, but I do now. Thank you.
Nicci, you made me think some verses needed changing, so thanks for that.
Regards, Joella.
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 FelixBenson at 12:57 on 31 October 2009
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Hi Joella
I am coming late to this and can only agree with Nicci and James' suggestions for revisions. Those lines already highlighted are where I tripped up too when reading through. Your suggestions for changes in the pattern of the verse work for me, although I might be inclined to put an extra 'and' in line three of this verse rather than a comma:
His fear was real, the air was chilled
and spirits soon gave chase
He ducked and dived, closed his eyes
to fall flat on his face. |
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James' idea about giving life to the ghouls is a good one - more mental pictures for the reader. I have no doubt your fertile imagination will meet the challenge.
I am really enjoying these - do keep posting them.
Cheers, Kirsty
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Joella at 15:05 on 31 October 2009
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Thank you Kirsty. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my work. WW members have been instrumental in me improving all of the poems posted. I decided not to describe the 'ghastly ghouls' because Happy Bottom is an illustrated book. Glad you liked it because there are many more to follow. Regards, Joella.
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