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Boys & Girls Come Out To Play. Ch 1 - The Warning

by Shnarkle 

Posted: 24 October 2009
Word Count: 1090
Summary: 1st draft of what was to be a children's/YA horror story, but eventually got too gory. May still seem slightly young in this form.


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The Warning
“You are going to come and play with me, aren’t you William?” the girl’s voice seemed to echo and reverberate strangely, in an almost detached, other worldly way. Furthermore, he felt it wasn’t really a request, more a command. Aged around nine, she stood about two metres in front of him; her bearing ramrod straight, with her feet together and her hands clasped tightly behind her narrow back. She wore her almost black hair in plaits which reached just below the front of her slight shoulders, each plait finished off with a small delicate red ribbon. Her round, deathly white face was completely blank; devoid of expression, with dull, black glazed eyes that looked like windows into a bottomless void. Thin mauve lips made a severe cold slash across her face, where a softer, fuller mouth should have been.
Her long, dark floral dress featured hundreds of tiny blue and purple flowers, and its high collar and hem were finished with fine white lace. Her feet were clad with functional and sturdy brown boots.
“You are going to come and play with me, aren’t you William?” she said again. An identical girl suddenly appeared to her left, only with green ribbons in her hair.
“You are going to come and play with us, aren’t you William?” they chorused together; although something about the sound of their combined voices was deeply unsettling. They seemed strangely out of synch, with one a split second behind the other, and still the faint echo persisted.
“You are going to come and play with us, aren’t you William?” they insisted; their faces as blank as stone. The moment they had finished speaking a third identical girl appeared, this time wearing yellow hair ribbons, and all three began repeating the deadpan phrase over and over again; each time the phrase grew in volume, and each time it became more of an irresistible command. On and on it went, with no change of expression on the girl’s faces; louder and louder, scaling upward in urgency and pitch like Harpies screaming at him, until it reached a peak with the shrieked command, “William!”
William exploded awake, his heart pounding in his chest so hard he thought it would rupture, and his rapid, rasping breathing catching in his throat like steel fingers trying to choke the life out of him, as sweat poured down his face where he hid under the duvet. He was terrified. Absolutely, totally terrified. Terrified that if he looked up from his safe haven beneath the duvet he would see the three girls standing at the foot of his bed. Terrified at what foul creature might be lurking outside his bedroom door, waiting to pounce and rend him limb from limb. Terrified at who, or what might be standing in his garden right now, looking up at his bedroom window with red, inhuman eyes. All manner off horrors seemed possible in the lonely still darkness of his bedroom which was usually his happy bolt hole from the rest of the family, but now, at this precise moment took on the dimensions of a truly deadly, nightmare world of danger. As his panic rose to even greater heights he knew that he had to do something, and do it now before he was completely paralysed with fear. Slowly, with a trembling hand, he reached from the depths of his duvet to switch on his bedside lamp and bathe the horror stricken bedroom with welcome, comforting light.
Sure enough, as he slowly peered over the edge of the duvet, and more and more of his bedroom came into view, he realised with a flush of the most intense relief that it had been a dream. There were no frightening girls standing at the foot of his bed. There were his Manchester United posters intact on the wall with Ryan Giggs smiling comfortingly down at him. There was his computer table, his chest of drawers; everything was as it should be.
He sat up in bed, still shaking from the effects of the dream, and looked at his alarm clock. 2.55 am. Something strange was going on here. He’d woken at the same time for the last three nights as a result of the most vivid dreams he’s ever had. He’d actually felt that he was living inside the dreams in real time. First there had been the dream about a large, rambling old house. It was a house he’d never seen before, but after the dream’s vivid virtual tour he felt he knew it room by room, inch by inch. Then, last night there was the dream about jumping over a skipping rope which was held by unseen people just out of his field of vision. The rope had whirled faster and faster, slapping ominously on the ground as he jumped; and he knew, just knew that his life depended upon him successfully jumping the advancing rope each time it arced towards him. Equally instinctively he knew that untold horrors lay in wait should he stumble or fall.
And now tonight, the most vivid and unsettling dream of them all. He wondered who the girls were and what it could all mean. As an eleven year old schoolboy it was highly unlikely that he could decipher such messages, but he certainly felt in his heart that he was being told about, or more accurately warned about something, and that if he valued his life he’d better take heed.
Leaning down over the edge of his bed, his fingers scrabbled around the carpet for the TV control he’d carelessly tossed aside just before he’d settled down; finally grasping the remote and levering himself into a sitting position. He stabbed at the power button; he’d watch a bit of MTV to take his mind off his dream before trying to get back to sleep. The TV screen burst into life, featuring nothing but wall to wall white noise like you get when you hadn’t tuned to a station properly. With a “Tut “ William pushed button after button on the remote, trying to coax some sort of programme out of the TV, but all he managed was more white noise. Perplexed, because it had worked perfectly only hours earlier, he was just about to switch the TV off when through the speakers, loud and clear he heard the deathly girls chorus, “You are going to come and play with us, aren’t you William?”
William screamed. And screamed; until he thought he would never stop screaming again.

*






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Comments by other Members



jim60 at 16:17 on 29 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Shnarkle, What a great read! The girls were suitably creepy, reminding me of those from The Shining and poor William, I really felt scared for him, some nasty dream or what!
If this is aimed at Y/A then I can't really see why not, give them the benefit of the doubt, I'm pretty sure thay have imaginations as well.
Nicely done and as this is chapter 1, I trust you have more to follow.
Jim.



Shnarkle at 22:21 on 29 October 2009  Report this post
Jim,

Thank you for your positive comments, and yes, there are another three chapters written, albeit in their original form. I shall post them as and when.

Shnarkle

Becca at 13:48 on 30 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Nick,
If this was aimed at teenage children, I think they might be able to deal with the adult style of language in which it is written. But one of the well known facts in writing for children is that the reader wants the main character to be one year older than they are, and your boy is eleven. It's an annoying thing ... I mean you could change the language to suit ten year olds, making the words simpler and taking out words that age group might not be familiar with, like 'harpie.' But otherwise maybe you could make your MC 14. [Mid range is eight to twelve still I think, although there may have been changes after the big arguement about putting the age range on the back covers of books. Young adult or teens is 12+].
It might be worth reading a couple of novels for the age range you're aiming at.
Becca.

SarahT at 15:35 on 07 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Shnarkle,

I totally agree with Cath's comments. You have some great imagery and a good premise but I felt that it was slightly over-written in points and would benefit from shaving some of the words. Cath's given you some good points but I thought there were a few other instances, apart from the show/tell balance, where it needed tweaking.

In the first paragraph, I wondered a little bit about the description of the clothes and the appearance of the first girl. It felt a little bit too long to me and by the time you got to the dress, it almost sounded like something out of a catalogue. I've tweaked it a bit here, to show you what I mean: 'The long, dark floral dress features hundreds of tiny blue and purple flowers, and its high collar and hem are finished in fine white lace.' Perhaps take a slightly more economical approach to description. But don't touch the thin mauve lips - I agree that they are essential!!

As a general point, I noticed a couple of parts where certain words were repeated. In the first paragraph, it was 'black'. Later on, you have about three uses of 'vivid'.

I loved the imagery in the following but I think it should be turned into several sentences as it was too much of a mouthful.
William exploded awake, his heart pounding in his chest so hard he thought it would rupture, and his rapid, rasping breathing catching in his throat like steel fingers trying to choke the life out of him, as sweat poured down his face where he hid under the duvet.

As, as a general rule, I think that in moments of high tension, it helps with the pace to keep to shorter sentences. But that's just my theory and I don't know whether others would agree.
How about:
William exploded awake, his heart pounding in his chest so hard he thought it would rupture. He could feel his rapid, rasping breath catching in his throat like steel fingers. Sweat poured down his face where he hid under the duvet.

That whole paragraph is great, where he goes through all the things in his imagination that might be about to happen. But for that reason, you can delete the following, in line with Cath's points about show/tell:
As his panic rose to even greater heights he knew that he had to do something, and do it now before he was completely paralysed with fear.

I loved:
The rope had whirled faster and faster, slapping ominously on the ground as he jumped; and he knew, just knew that his life depended upon him successfully jumping the advancing rope each time it arced towards him.

A great way of ramping the tension!

On the other hand, 'As an eleven year old schoolboy...' felt a bit clunky. It is always difficult trying to work out how to put all the necessary back story into the first chapters but I think this needs re-thinking. People, young or old, don't tend to think of themselves in age terms. They are conscious of existing, but not, I'd say, instantly tuned in to how old they are every day. Unless they're going through a mid life crisis, but I think William's got a bit of a way to go before he gets to that point!

On the show/tell issue, I don't think you need the second half of the first sentence: 'strangely, in an almost detached, other worldly way.' If the girl's voice echoes and reverberates, then this is an 'other wordly way'.

Hope these comments are helpful.

Sarah

BobCurby at 22:59 on 11 November 2009  Report this post
Welcome Shnarkle, sorry I didn't pop in and say so earlier.

I'm not one who reads horror much so I won't try and comment on the content. However, from a purely grammatical standpoint I felt that you might be inclined to be a little 'wordy' in some of the expressions - and I think the comments made already may have covered them sufficiently.

Please edit and upload again - let's see if we can help you pull it together. I am in favour of dramatic short, sharp sentences and as such I particularly liked -
He was terrified. Absolutely, totally terrified. Terrified that if he looked up from his safe haven beneath the duvet he would see the three girls standing at the foot of his bed. Terrified at what foul creature might be lurking outside his bedroom door, waiting to pounce and rend him limb from limb.


Keep working at it

Steve

Shnarkle at 19:24 on 13 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks guys, for such constructive comments. The show/tell thing is particularly pertinent; in fact I have just read all about it in a very good book called, "How Not To Write A Novel."
I am still very much a beginner at this, but I shall rewrite this chapter and hopefully come up with a Meisterwork!

Shnarkle

SarahT at 22:02 on 13 November 2009  Report this post
Hey Shnarkle, it's an ongoing process. If you find out how to write a Meisterwork that quickly, you'll have to give us all lessons!


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