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desert in my head
Posted: 23 October 2009
Word Count: 45
Summary: from a collection of poetry called memeories from a lost youth
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There is a desert in my head;
an emptiness of shifting sands
that houses a Bedouin of thoughts,
camped around an oasis of
memories; Nomads of a childhood
they ride on a caravan of camels
around an empty quarter
that was my youth.
Tony morgan
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 19:55 on 23 October 2009
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Hi Tony. I enjoyed this! It's just about the right length for a poem in my book.
I love the sustained metaphor of the desert/camel/sands.... excellent.
My only nit-pick would be (as usual) the use of capitals. I think it spoils the flow.
There is a desert in my head;
an emptiness of shifting sands
that houses a Bedouin of thoughts,
camped around an oasis of
memories; nomads of a childhood
they ride on a caravan of camels
around an empty quarter
that was my youth. |
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What do you think? I find it much more satisfying!
joanie
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 Felicity F at 17:43 on 24 October 2009
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Hi Tony,
I liked this poem.You have kept with the metaphor throughout and I liked the way you start with the present ie 'There is a.. ' and then end with the past; 'an empty quarter that was my youth' Sad and poignant as if trying to catogorise and figure out thoughts and experiences from the past, yet you have not quite got there and they remain random and nomadic, with no fixed place in your mind.
Felicity.
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 James Graham at 13:51 on 25 October 2009
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I like this. The first line is very good, and the sustained metaphor works well. I have a few suggestions for revision, some changes that should be quite easy to make.
You could consider dropping the last line and ending the poem on ‘around an empty quarter’. The fact that the poem is about lost youth is clear from the title, and readers don’t need to have it repeated in the last line. And ‘around an empty quarter’ has so much more impact as a closing line. We can take quite a lot of meaning from it: the first thing it suggested to me was the real geographical area, the Empty Quarter, which has resonance in itself and stirs the imagination. This may be because I’m quite drawn to desert places, but the Empty Quarter would have associations for most readers. At the same time the meaning of the line doesn’t end there, because we can see the new meaning you’ve given it in the context of the poem. I’m sure it would be natural for any reader to jump back to the title and make the connection: empty quarter = lost youth.
Next, ‘a Bedouin of thoughts’ doesn’t seem right - that is, if I’m right in saying ‘a Bedouin’ is an individual not a group. You can talk about a Bedouin tribe or community, but ‘a Bedouin’ is one person. I imagine you want an image of a group of people to represent a number of thoughts. So why not change this line to ‘a Bedouin camp of thoughts’ then drop ‘camped’ from the next line and add something to the ‘oasis’ idea?
Finally, I think the title could simply be ‘Lost Youth’. ‘Memories’ have a prominent place in the poem. The word stands out because of the line-break 'an oasis of/ memories'. So it could be left out of the title.
I hope this will be helpful.
James.
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James Graham at 12:54 on 26 October 2009
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I haven't changed my mind about about ending on 'around an empty quarter' - I feel it's a much stronger last line. But if you leave 'that was my youth' as the last line, and don't mention youth in the title, that's an alternative. Not quite so good, I feel, but you could settle for it. Better still if the title (a) didn't mention youth, and (b) didn't take away some of the effect of that excellent first line by making it just an echo of the title. A newly invented title would be best, one that relates to the poem but doesn't repeat words from it.
On reflection, 'Bedouin of thoughts' seems a little strange, for the reasons I gave previously, but I do see what you mean by it.
James.
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SarahT at 21:58 on 18 November 2009
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Hi Tony,
I'm just catching up with stuff because you've been prolific. I haven't anything to add to people's comments particularly except I love the imagery, and the idea that all your memories sit around in their own little word.
S
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