Login   Sign Up 



 

Sam

by Laurence 

Posted: 22 October 2009
Word Count: 666
Summary: Week 277 Challenge A story from the past


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


Sam was terrified of the dark; his brothers made great sport of his fear. His family lived in one of the old miner cottages where the street gas lights were sparse. When the fog rolled in off the slag heaps visibility was poor. He hated the winter evenings and rarely ventured out of doors to play when the sun went down. Sam dreaded his coming of age when he would leave behind his childhood and begin his working life down the mines. He would follow a long line of brave pitmen who helped to shape the Welsh valleys.

The sun had not come up when Sam was roused from sleep and told to wash and dress. He tried turning over on his mattress but one of his brother’s gave him a hefty push which sent him sprawling onto the floor. Reluctantly Sam left with the others; he had no idea there was so much activity early morning. The streets were a snaking stream of men and boys moving to and from the pits; the occasional greeting in hushed whispers, as neighbour past neighbour.

Sam’s father grabbed him by the arm and took him into the cage that would soon descend into the bowels of the earth. He could see the look of anxiety on Sam’s face, ‘Don’t you be worrying yourself Sam, you’ll be alright.’ He was not a man of many words but they were enough to settle Sam’s nerves for the moment. As the cage lurched forward on its descent, a strange sensation arose in Sam’s stomach. The darkness seemed to clutch at him with long tentacles; his small light barely penetrated the gloom.

‘You lad are responsible for this door,’ said the foreman when they reached the bottom, ‘It must be kept shut until you hear the trucks on this rail then you open it to let them through. Once they’ve passed close it again. Never ever leave the door open. Understood?’ Sam nodded; he looked around for a friendly face but his father and brothers had disappeared down the tunnel with the other men. The murmur of voices became less audible as they moved further down the tunnel until he was left alone.

Sam shivered with the cold; he stood in water up to his ankles. His feet were already numb. He clapped his hands on his arms to keep warm. The silence was suddenly broken by a voice calling out. Every fibre of his body strained to hear the voice again; seconds later the voice had grown a little louder. Sam realised it was coming from another tunnel which he could just make out a few yards to his left. He crept slowly over to it treading carefully through the water ensuring he did not trip. At first he could not see anything in the cavernous opening. A strange sensation swept through him and he realised he had also been holding his breath since first hearing a voice. He began to back away from the tunnel when he saw a lantern swinging from side to side; it was moving towards him. He was mesmerised by the light as it drew closer and closer. A young boy about his own age emerged from the gloom; he looked scared. ‘Help! Help! The tunnel has collapsed.’ As if in slow motion, he beckoned for Sam to follow him up the tunnel.

‘I’ll get help,’ cried Sam.

‘You must come now,’ he pleaded.

‘Wait!’

Sam raised the alarm. He heard the thunder of running feet. Men gathered around Sam demanding to know what is wrong.

‘Down that tunnel, said Sam, ‘hurry there’s been an accident.’ Sam rushed to the entrance of the tunnel but the men did not follow, he looked puzzled ‘What?’

‘Who did you see?’ asked his father.

‘A boy with a lantern, he’s gone back up the tunnel. We have to help …. men are trapped,’ stammered Sam. The men drifted away leaving Sam’s father to explain the ghost of Dave Brown.






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 21:01 on 22 October 2009  Report this post
Funnily enough I was going to send in my pit ghost story from a while back - quite similar so I knew where it was going. I think you have too mant sentences baegiing Sam in the 1st paragraph. Try to vary that a bit.
OOnah

Bunbry at 22:02 on 22 October 2009  Report this post
Spooky stuff Laurence, works for me! I'm not sure if they ever had rats down in pits, but if they did, I'd include a few for good measure!!

Nick

Laurence at 22:18 on 22 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Oonah, just sorted the Sam's!!

Laurence

Laurence at 22:19 on 22 October 2009  Report this post
I think your right Nick, decided to avoid them!! Might include a few in a rewrite at a later date when I'm not too restricted by words.

Laurence

V`yonne at 22:33 on 22 October 2009  Report this post
Yes they did - I included some in mine when I wrote it.

Prospero at 23:48 on 22 October 2009  Report this post
Very spooky, Laurence. Got to admit you got me. I didn't see that coming. Well done.

Best

Prosp

GaiusCoffey at 00:02 on 23 October 2009  Report this post
I was going to comment on overuse of Sam, then saw V'yonne's comment, and your response, and think the first version must have been very Sammy!

Enjoyed that a lot, I thought that closing the door was going to be more significant, but it was clear that something scary was on the way.

Nice sense of suspense building towards the end.

Thanks for the read!

Gaius

tusker at 07:46 on 23 October 2009  Report this post
I enjoyed this, Laurence.

No nits for me. The tension rose. A good sense of place and apprehension.

Two great uncles of mine worked in the pits not far from Port Talbot, and I heard quite a few ghostly tales from Uncle Harry, a no nonsense man, who swore he'd experienced.

Jennifer





Account Closed at 09:13 on 23 October 2009  Report this post
I thought most of this worked very well.

The streets were a snaking stream of men and boys moving to and from the pits; the occasional greeting in hushed whispers, as neighbour past neighbour.

- excellent evocation here.

p

Jumbo at 23:59 on 23 October 2009  Report this post
Laurence

Cleverly done, might I say! I loved the creeping menace that built up as Sam descended in the cage.

Great writing, and a nice spooky ending. Well done!

Thanks for the read

john

optimist at 22:44 on 24 October 2009  Report this post
Very good - loved the ghost and the build up - real horror was the children having to go down the pit? A very effective tale.

Sarah

crowspark at 23:15 on 24 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Lawrence

I enjoyed this. Great sense of time and place. I visited a mine not long ago and got to appreciate the dark, the low seams and low ceilings and saw where the boys would sit in the dark controlling the ventilation door.

Very spooky.

Tiny nit, bowls - bowels

Bill

Laurence at 14:11 on 25 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Bill hadn't picked up on that.

Laurence

choille at 21:08 on 25 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence,



I don't think I could go down & work in a pit. I would have a panic attack I feel.

You've created a great atmosphere in this, played on the fears that most of us have about the dark & confined spaces underground.

I really liked it.

All the best
Caroline.

Laurence at 12:20 on 26 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks for your comments Caroline - thinking of developing the idea further. Often the case when I write a flash I can see it develop into a short story.

Laurence

Forbes at 19:28 on 26 October 2009  Report this post
Spooky stuff indeed. I liked this,it is old fashioned horror -and not to be sniffed at because of that! Thoughts of The Signalman by Dickens was triggered by this,for me.

Couple of small picks:

You start too many paragraphs with Sam, see if you can lose some of them. Try he instead - we know the MC is Sam so I think you're safe to use that.

For me paragraphs 1-5 are not connected and don't flow the story through.
You might look at trying to put some connectors in them to smooth the flow of the story from one to t'other.

The first Para tells us Sam's fears. The second is his first day of work? But you don't tell us that. And it is the same with the other paras, they don't actually flow.

All this said, this is my favourite from last week.

Good Luck with it

Avis

Laurence at 20:36 on 27 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks for the comments Avis will take them on board for future writing. Thanks for taking the trouble.

Laurence


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .