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A childhood memory

by Tmog 

Posted: 21 October 2009
Word Count: 105
Summary: part of my memories from a lost youth collection


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Memories from a lost youth

(A childhood memory)

Shoe leather for break pads
we scuffed to a stop.
“There” cried Derek “its there”
tumbling down hill, scratching
and ripping through
bramble thicket we gave
chase;
Into the newly ploughed field
splurging treacle-like through
mud that tried to suck off your
feet.
We stopped and looked at each
other as a gust of wind lifted
the bright red balloon, with its
unread message waving to us,
as the wind carried it on to
where?
Derek screamed words you can’t
say to an adult when you’re only
ten.
defeated we went back to our bikes.

T Morgan






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Comments by other Members



NMott at 13:03 on 22 October 2009  Report this post
Hi, Tmog, and welcome to WriteWords.

If you would like feedback on the poem it's best to join one of the poetry groups and upload your poem there, as it's liable to be over looked in the Archive.
If you look along the top line of the page you'll see 'Groups'. Click on that and it'll bring up a list of all the group forums on WriteWords.



- NaomiM

SarahT at 20:24 on 06 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Tony,

Sorry, it seems to be a long time since you posted this, so please accept my apologies for taking a while to get to it but the poems have been turning over thick and fast recently!

I really liked this poem and it tells a lovely story about a simple moment. I wouldn't have any comments about the lines but you might want to catch up with the discussion that we've been having, across various posts, about prose poetry and what distinguishes it from other types. For my money, although this is a prose poem, it qualifies the 'poem' bit with some good imagery. I particularly liked:
we scuffed to a stop.

splurging treacle like through
mud that tried to suck off your
feet!

with its
unread message waving to us,


The only minor nitpicks I have relate to punctuation/spelling typos. The one that yelled was
“Their” cried Derek “its their”, which should read "There" cried Derek "It's there", with possibly some extra commas in around the speechy bits, depending, I guess, on whether you feel you need to bother with them in a poem. You also need a hyphen in 'treacle-like'.

On a subjective point, I would take out the exclamation mark after the mud that sucks off your feet because I think it is strong enough not to need emphasising.

Welcome to the group!

Sarah



Tmog at 00:45 on 09 November 2009  Report this post
Thanks for the comments Sarah,
I have removed the exclamation mark, you are right the line is strong enough without it. I also corrected my Their, to there.
As you can see my spelling and punctuation are not the best of my qualities but I get by.
Thanks again I always welcome any criticism, I find it much better than people pussy-footing around a subject. Tony


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