The Boatmen by woodsville - WriteWords.org.uk

WriteWords

The Boatmen

by woodsville

Posted: 21 October 2009
Word Count: 112
Summary: A poem about escape into a dream state that refreshes the soul

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

Silently they tend to our spirits as mists sweep
Out vessels so bristles ripple
A dream.

Away from the jetty a boatman, pastry thin,
Wipes clean the torn sail and
We float.

Water parts shallow lips deepening a moonlit
Sky. Heavier now we softly turn our
Souls intent .

The prow cuts through darkness and like rolling pins
We unfold bitter moods chanting
Unsaid prayers.

At last, a strange place, an oasis of steamy rocks - water
Greening memory - spilling youthful
Wishes.

We stretch tall till the boatman loosens the
sail winding up the
Warmed silence.

Glancing round and no boatman or dark to be seen.
Only light fills my dream.

Favourite this work

Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

FelixBenson at 15:10 on 23 October 2009 Report this post

I like the way you have used the structure of this poem to suggest a drifting, ebb and flow or even rippling tone, which underpins the theme.
There is also use throughout of sibilants which give a peaceful feeling and imitate the ‘shh’ sound of the boat moving softly through the calm waters.

The poem translates sensation of drifting off well – and then in the ending a ‘coming to’ is clearly conveyed.

Glancing round and no boatman or dark to be seen.
Only light fills my dream.

I think the language and the sounds you have used are very effective - this felt dreamlike and calm.

The only things I wondered about are – the use of ‘we’. I assume for the ‘we’ part – the dream involved two people – and these two people seem to be acting as one:

We stretch tall till the boatman loosens the
sail

This is compatible with a dreamlike state – the idea of two acting as one.. but I stumbled over the image of that a little.

A carefully written piece, which I enjoyed reading.
Welcome to WW.

Best wishes, Kirsty

Like (0) Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

woodsville at 18:40 on 23 October 2009 Report this post

Thank you Kirsty (Felixbenson) for reading this poem. I have had 4 days to gain some distance on the poem. And on reflection think that an extra verse is required to describe the depths of sleep state before the introduction of the oasis.

The use of the pro-noun we was to distance the effect of confession. Although this is about sleep and the way that I interpret it though there is a wider interpretation. By using the word "WE", I was trying to get to this sense of detachment.

The difficulty I have with "I" is that in learning to write poetry it is easy to fall into the self-indulgent trap. Writing non-impressionism is difficult, but if you wnt to be inclusive I don't know of any other way.

Once there is confidence with the techniques the drama of slippage with "I" can be averted - well that's what I think.

Like (0) Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .

Other work by woodsville:

...view all work by woodsville