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Untitled Prologue

by Doyaldinho 

Posted: 21 October 2009
Word Count: 760
Summary: A revised prologue to my first, as yet untitled, novel. Hopefully heeding the advice of Gaius and NMott! I will upload more chapters as I complete them. :)


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The White Citadel was bathed in moonlight; the bluish hue gave the capital’s bastion an unearthly aura. It was an unnerving sight of an evening, its vastness and grandeur dominated the cityscape of Cellador. Rising high above the towers of the temple district, and stretching the breadth of the inner city, it was a symbol of raw power.

They say that from its highest point, the west tower, you can see for hundreds of miles. They say you can see the Crystal Peaks to the West, the frozen wastes of Niflheim to the North and even the isle of Uesegi to the East. The King of Mercia could survey his neighbours as well as his own holdings from here.

The city of Cellador itself was a metropolis. One million souls dwelled in its streets and traded in its market places. Cosmopolitan were its people and immeasurable were its tales. The flavour of Cellador was varied, yet unified. From simple, rustic hovels on the outskirts, to the white stone dwellings of the city proper, to the grand white estates of the nobles, there was nowhere else in Mercia quite like Cellador. Nowhere on the continent could you find a broader range of creeds, trades or cultures.

The courtyard was quiet at this time of evening. Not a soul stirred across the waxen, stone paved yard, its blackness scarred by strips of light from the slow burning lanterns. A robed figure, with his hood up and across his face quickly paced across it; carrying a bundle of rags.

Bors was his name, and his cargo was precious. He swiftly made his way through the main gate and into the temple district of Cellador. He stuck to the shadows; ducking into a niche or doorway when he sensed a passerby approach. Hastily, but cautiously he found the Temple of Gaia.

(In the primary religion of Mercia and its surrounding countries The Three Fathers were the gods who raised the Earth when it was young. Gaia the mother of the Earth, died giving birth to life in the Universe, but her spirit lives on in the stars. The Three Fathers were represented by The Sun, The Moon, and the Eclipse. There are several more minor deities that are honoured but the most important are Gaia and The Three Fathers.)

Bors, a large man with an unkempt appearance, yet nice enough manner, briskly walked through the grand entrance hall of the temple and into one of the private prayer booths.

A priestess, dressed in her traditional garments of pale blue silk robes, was knelt at the altar silently meditating. Bors breathed a sigh of relief and smiled.

“My lady, pardon my intrusion.” He said.

Despite the sudden interruption in her concentration she did not startle or appear flustered.

“Yes my lord? How may I help you?” She asked.

She turned to face Bors; she mustn’t have been a day over sixteen years old. Priestesses are gifted to the temples at birth by particularly pious families, or by those seeking religious favour.

“I have something for you.” Said Bors “And I have a task that requires the upmost secrecy.”

“What do you require of your priestess?” She smiled at him; the girl was remarkably calm.

“I need you to take this bundle to The Priory to the west. Present it to Eiric.”

She looked puzzled. “What would Sir Eiric want with these?”

Bors lifted one of the rags to reveal a small pink face amongst the bundle. He was sleeping!

“Oh my!” She exclaimed “Who…”

“Eiric will explain. You must leave right away. Take this.”

Bors handed the girl a money purse. It was plenty for her journey. “Make your way to the outskirts of the city on the West Road, you will find my squire waiting for you with a fine white horse. In the baggage you will find food and water, and milk for the baby. But I beg you not to rest until you are out of the city. Now go.”

The girl’s mind was spinning, the only word she could think of uttering were:

“I don’t even know your name…”

Bors put a reassuring hand on the young priestesses shoulder.

“I’m sorry my lady. It’s best that we do not exchange names, for both our sakes. Now God’s speed to you, and may The Three Fathers guide you.”

The girl left the booth, carrying the bundle. Bors paused for a moment and took a deep breath. He composed himself and made his way back to the Royal household before he was missed.






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Comments by other Members



Joella at 20:10 on 21 October 2009  Report this post
I really like this, Doyaldhino. I'm no technical expert, but would like to say that I was absorbed by the description and intensity of the passage. It read really well, was easy to follow and had me intrigued at the end. As I said, I'm no expert, but would like to make the following points:

1. Do you need .'.... of an evening..' in first para? We know the moon is out. Just didn't seem to follow on naturally.
2. Why use 'They say '... in second para? Doesn't fit with the rest of the passage.

Just a couple of things I noted. No doubt the experts will be more specific with their comments.

Looking forward to reading more. Regards, Joella.

Doyaldinho at 20:37 on 21 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Joella,

I appreciate your comments. I'm glad you picked up on a couple of things.

I'll probably upload some more either later in the week or next week.

Doyaldinho

Demonqueen at 16:53 on 23 October 2009  Report this post
Hello D,

My first impression is it's good, clean narrative. Not cluttered, easy to follow the story direction. Your first few paras give a strong image and impression of what the city is like.

But as you move from this broad sweep of the setting, the first words that begin para 4 jarred me. I wondered, 'What courtyard?' If it is such a large city, there would be many courtyards.' You have written it as if it is the only one. Maybe to say something like, tucked away in the xxx quarter, the courtyard was quiet, or, give the courtyard a name- St. Peter's courtyard just as an example. Something that transitions us from the general overview in the beginning, to the more intimate setting I think you want, which I think would help give that air of secrecy. You've almost got a setting within a setting, if you get my drift!

The para in brackets - is that your authors note to us or do you intend that as part of the story? Either way, I would consider weaving that background in as the story goes along, as currently it reads like an author's note.

And the other thing that crossed my mind- are you aiming this at the American market? Just wondered about the "".

You definitely leave the prologue with enough intrigue to wonder what's going on, what happens next? And there's plenty of atmosphere.

Look forward to reading more,

Charlie


GaiusCoffey at 19:17 on 23 October 2009  Report this post
Hi,
This reads much more cleanly than the first one you uploaded and it has a good feel to it, setting the scene nicely and the writing flows well for the most part with only a few picky errors.

However, there is a lot of superfluous detail in here - stuff you need to know to write well, but the reader either doesn't need to know, or doesn't need to know here.

An example would be: "The King of Mercia could survey his neighbours as well as his own holdings from here." Ok, I'm sure that is true, but the king doesn't seem to be mentioned ever again so is it relevant to the scene as it unfolds? Similarly, the following paragraph, though nicely written, delays us getting to the actual story which IMHO doesn't begin until the fourth paragraph.

So, although I think you are right to do a bit of descriptive scene setting, and you have done it well, I would be inclined to either have less of it or to mix the story into it sooner... I confess to being an impatient reader and I tend to put books down very quickly if I don't get introduced to the characters and / or action fairly early on.

This goes double or even treble for the paragraph in parentheses that starts "(In the primary religion..." Why do you need this at all? Yes, it is important for you to know it as background, but for the reader to see it - knowing that you don't consider it important enough to work into the prose - makes it feel like a footnote that delays us from getting to the meat.

A few pickies in no particular order...

Bors handed the girl a money purse. It was plenty for her journey.

I'm sure he did and I'm sure it was, but this is force feeding me with information that doesn't seem relevant or important to the story - ok, so he isn't ripping her off, but otherwise... why do I need to know this? If I do need to know this, can you tell me in a more interesting way?

You have used "upmost" when the common English word is "utmost".

Bors, a large man with an unkempt appearance, yet nice enough manner

INFO DUMP! Nice enough manner? How is it relevant to the story right now, as in to this scene? If it is important, which I doubt, then show us rather than tell us. How do we know he has a "nice enough manner"?

A robed figure, with his hood up and across his face quickly paced across it; carrying a bundle of rags.

Bors was his name, and his cargo was precious

The paragraph break here seems unnecessary and "Bors was his name" seems a bit overwritten. I would be inclined to run the two together and use a more natural sentence structure.

“My lady, pardon my intrusion.” He said.

Despite the sudden interruption in her concentration she did not startle or appear flustered.

“Yes my lord? How may I help you?” She asked.

The "He said." and "She asked." are implicit - so it is optional whether to include them and I would be inclined to take them out.

The girl’s mind was spinning, the only word she could think of uttering were:

The preceding and following prose is from the POV of Bor, so why the sudden jump to her point of view? In fact, I don't see what the sentence adds in any case - better to simply cut it and stick with Bor's POV.

Priestesses are gifted to the temples at birth by particularly pious families, or by those seeking religious favour.

Again, this doesn't feel relevant to the reader or to the scene - it is very important for you to know, but just gets in the way of your story to have it here.

So... I'll stop there so that you don't get the mistaken impression that I dislike it - because I do like the scene you are setting and I do like quite a few things about the way you have imagined the scene.

As a closing comment, this reads to me like some of my early drafts where I am still working out the details in my head... and so include far too many of them. This is a good thing because it means you will have a rich story at the end of it, so keep on writing and imagining in this detail to get to the end of your first draft...

BUT...

Once you get to the end of the first draft, there is an awful lot of information in this passage that you need to cut in order to expose the story behind it - and I think you probably do have a strong storyline underneath.

When you redraft, think very clearly about the actual scene that you are in and what is and is not relevant. For me, it is important for every scene to have an emotional charge, and you can't do that without meeting the characters. So, although the descriptive text is good (and I tend to have too little of it) I would try to get closer to Bor by the end of the scene.

To close, though, this does read nicely and, once you have cut out the superfluous detail, will make a strong introduction.

Gaius

Vixen at 23:16 on 24 October 2009  Report this post
The mix of general background, descriptions of the town and the important thing that happened (Bors giving the baby to the priestess) seem a little awkward to me. I agree with Gaius' examples of 'too much irrelevant information now'. (Where priestesses come from, for example.)

You start with a description of the Citadel, then two paragraphs about the city in general. Does that belong here? Why not consider the first paragraph, a description of the Citadel at night in the Temple district, and move to the description of the robed man moving across the courtyard. Then the scene with Bors and the Priestess.

Another alternative would be to start with the general and move to the specific: description of town, citadel, courtyard, the man moving across it, the priestess, what the two of them did.

How does the Prologue relate to chapter one? Are you planning on leaping forward in time, with the baby grown or half grown? Bors goes back to the Royal Court. I assume this is a royal babe, legitimate or not, and this has to do with the general politics of the period and Bors is savings the child's life. How you're going to deal with the 'info dump' that Gaius mentioned is tied into how chapter 1 relates to the Prologue. You might look at the two together in considering revising.





Doyaldinho at 00:04 on 31 October 2009  Report this post
Thank you all for your input, I can see it still needs some neatening up. Ill keep your comments in mind for when I do my 2nd draft.


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