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PART 11: Memories of a bar steward

by The Bar Stward 

Posted: 15 October 2009
Word Count: 1020
Summary: Hello all. I haven't written anything on Barstewards since September but now I've got my new laptop, I'm ready to pick the baton up again. To reintroduce everyone to what is going on I've just written quite a sort 'PART' to get the ball rolling. I hope you enjoy it. Scott

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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.

Thurs 24th August 2000

1811 HRS

My plan today was to sit in the office and work out every last fine detail of what Iím gonna do when Iím inside the Queens Legs tomorrow. Iíve gotta slip in undetected, get what I want, then get out fast! Itís such a great plan, Iím almost giddy with excitement because it is gonna feel great pulling it off, even though someone like me shouldnít have to go into such a shit hole. God my family donít deserve me and my brilliance. After yesterday I almost felt like saying bollocks to the pub, bollocks to the lotíem. Letíem roll in the shit they make for themselves, but then I remember that Iím not doing this for them, this is for me. Tomorrow is when my Empire grows like a beautiful flower out of compost. Though itís quite hard for such a wonderful rose to grow when the shit keeps getting piled on.

Every two minutes there was a knock at the office door. First Curly asking for a hand with the beer delivery (really, would a maid ask a King for a hand serving the dinner?), so I told him not to be so bleedin cheeky and bugger off. Then Miller rung down to the office phone and asked me for some money to make the fat woman in his bed go away (he swore he never knew she was a prossy). I had Clint badgering me every two minutes about his crappy Karaoke contest. He wanted to discuss what sort of ad we should put in the local paper and how we should organize the event. I didnít have time for his stupid little plans, not when I have a proper master plan to sort out! Then there was Marie. She didnít knock on my door. In fact she was very quiet today, which worried me even more. All day I saw her on my CCTV, sat huddled in the corner of the pub, but she wasnít on her own. It seems Marie has a new little friend, a little ginger head lad. White as ice cream, he has the kinda dead blue eyes you would see in a horror film. The sight of the pair of them hunched over a piece of paper finally got the better of me and so I went out to inspect what they were up to. Maria, being as sharp as a vicious cat, quickly noticed me coming and I saw her snatch the paper in front of her, into her fist.

ďYou two okay?Ē I kindly asked

ďFuck off spac faceĒ came the charming response from my little sister. Many times I have wondered if I could convince a court that I was not a child abuser if I punched the little fecker in the head, but British justice being what it is I thought Iíd best not try my luck and so let her remark go. I turned to the boy and asked him if he would like a drink (best treat him nice, then he can tell his family what a lovely pub his new friends family has). He didnít say anything; he just seemed to stare at me with pant shitting frightened eyes.

ďCome on Macky, weíre going outside now!Ē my sister shouted to the little boy. She jumped off of her chair and darted out of the front door, with the strange little lad quickly following after her. For the rest of the day I saw the pair on my office CCTV coming in and out of the pub, the whole time Marieís new friend seemed glued to her side, though he looked like he didnít actually wanna be anywhere near her. Iíll have to keep an eye on her, cos no one else will. Iím sure she is up to no good.

20.42 HRS

OMG SOMETHING AMAZING HAS JUST HAPPENED!!! Iím sure I mentioned it a few days ago; well one of my big ideas was to get some free publicity (it was idea number 3 on my list). Iíve been emailing celebrities and offering them the chance to drink and stay here for free. The idea was that they would turn up and then Iíd let the press know, and then all of their fans would turn this place in to some kinda Mecca and flock ere, thus making us a fortune while we exploit them. On TV at the moment there is a reality program about an old 80ís rocker and his famous porno model girlfriend, well they were one of the people that I emailed and just ten minutes ago their manager rang me up. He said (in real bad cock-knee) that the couple (Mick Champagne and his partner Sunshine) would love to come and stay with us and enjoy our kind offer of free booze. He asked if I minded if the TV crew came with them too. Do I mind? I almost fell off my fucking chair. I played it dead cool though and said the more the merrier. Iíve hit the fucking jackpot! Iím such a fucking genius. Iím gonna be rich! Probably famous too. When people see such cool celebs in my pub, everyone in and out of town is gonna queue around the block to get in here. My family will have to queue to kiss my hairy ass in thanks of my mightiness, for all the money I will make us! The manager (Chas) asked if it was okay if Mick and Sunshine came down this Saturday and Sunday because they are flying out to America next week to record a new album together. I said that was fine and that we would look forward to havingíem.

Iím more determined than ever now to get as many people as possible out of The Queens Legs tomorrow and into here. I want this pub looking busy when the cameras are rolling. I want the whole of the UK to see what kind of pub this isÖOH SHIT! Fuck fuck fuck. Itís the Bakers birthday party on Sunday SHITTTTTTTT!

Fri 25th August 2000

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Comments by other Members

SJ Williamson at 06:29 on 16 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott!

I fell back into step with Jacob's story as if he had never been away. This is an excellent chapter too, so funny with lots of laugh out loud moments. It was good to be back in his life again.

when Iím inside the Queens Legs tomorrow.

- what a fantastically funny opening (oops, pardon the pun)!

I loved the part about Marie and her little friend too, so funny.

a little ginger head lad.

- ginger haired lad?

so left her remark go.

- let instead of "left"

he just stared at me with what seemed like awfully frightened eyes.

- tripped over this line a bit because I couldn't quite imagine it coming from Jacob. Could he just say "he just stared at me with his frightening eyesĒ?

the whole time Marias

- I think you mean Marie's? You name her Marie earlier, does she also go by Maria (some people are both)


- talk about getting into a character Ö when I read this, I actually cringed and wondered what on earth he was going to come up with next!

their manager me rung up

- their manager rang me up?

Mick Champagne and his partner Sunshine

- absolutely inspired names for these characters, genius.

A very enjoyable read, Scott. I'm so looking forward to the poop hitting the fan (not that I doubt Jacobís abilities at all)!


The Bar Stward at 09:31 on 16 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks for the corrections SJ, I'll sort them ASAP.

This is only a short chapter but I didn't want to tack it onto Friday because that entry is quite long. Also this chapter is the last of the 'SET UP' entries, from here on now, everything is about the collapsing of Jacobs house of cards. He is in the pub, his family is established, as well as the pub locals - the dreadful Barkers, Jacobs met Winky, his cousin has mentioned that his gangster uncle is up to something at home, the father is getting mysterious calls, Clint is trying to save the pub with his karaoke contest while Jacob is relying on his masterplans to bring them fame and fortune. I don't think there is anything to add now, the stories are all rolling. Though they seem seperate events at the moment, like a Guy Ritchie movie, all these parts will come together with a bang at the end.

fbtoast at 06:09 on 17 October 2009  Report this post
Hey, hey, Jacob's back!

It's like he's never been away, with his schemes that you know will always end in disaster and his awful friends and "challenging" family. I'm looking forward to more of his adventures.


Mand245 at 06:40 on 17 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott

This was entertaining as always, some real laugh out loud moments. SJ has really got things covered here but just one or two little points:

Queens Legs

Queen's Legs

but then I remember that Iím not doing this for them

He's talking about yesterday so it should be "remembered"

ginger head lad.


Good stuff


StephB at 13:20 on 20 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott,

Entertaining as ever, its good to have Jacob back - I'm interested to see how all these individual events come together as you've mentioned.

Looking forward to reading on...

Steph x

nezelette at 21:44 on 20 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott,

Nice to have you back and to get back into Jacob's adventures.

I liked the hook at the end of the chapter. Can't wait to know what's going to happen.

I'm also very intrigued about the paper Marie has found.

There are quite a few interesting sub-plots now. Great stuff.


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