Login   Sign Up 



 

Count D

by Laurence 

Posted: 15 October 2009
Word Count: 593
Summary: Week 276 Challenge


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


Rushing into the kitchen I found my Grandmother sitting in her favourite chair by the old range. She was toasting her feet on the fender and flicking through the ‘Weekly Post’. Grandmother smiled as we filled the room; my three sisters, my mother and me. Grandmother loved our weekly visits and we loved coming. There was something magical about my Grandmother’s house; she lived mainly in the kitchen despite having a huge rambling Victorian house. After much kissing and patting on the heads, our coats were removed and put in pile on a chair.

‘Now, run along and play,’ beamed my Grandmother, ‘lunch will be ready in thirty minutes.’

When we returned for lunch we were all very curious about a cloak lying in the corner of the passage.

‘Grandmother,’ I asked, ‘have you had a visitor?’

‘Why do you ask Donald?’

‘There’s a cloak in the passage way.’

‘Is there?’ she said looking amused.

We looked at each other and knew a story was coming. Grandmother told wonderful stories. ‘Now this isn’t one of my stories, she said looking at Mother, ‘this is real.’ We all took a deep intake of breath as if we were being let in on a great secret. We gathered closer to Grandmother’s chair waiting for her to begin. I slid down onto the floor next to her while my sisters all sat cross-legged in front of her. Four pairs of eyes staring in expectation. A silence fell on the kitchen as we waited for her to begin. ‘Last night I was just about to go to bed when there was a knock at the door. Who could that be I thought to myself?’ she stared at each pair of eyes in turn, ‘I took my candle and walked along the passage, the light made the shadows larger than life as I walked to the door. I stopped with surprise when a silhouette of a man was framed in the glass panel.’

‘What did you do?’ asked Mary, my eldest sister.

‘I opened the door very slowly.’

There was a gasp from my sisters and I felt how brave Grandmother was to open the door.

‘Standing on the step was a man. He looked tired and worn out so I invited him in. He introduced himself as Count D; he looked familiar but I couldn’t quite place him. I invited him into the kitchen and I offered him a drink but he refused it. He noticed I was wearing a cross and chain and this made him a little uncomfortable.’ Grandmother was interrupted by a muffled snort from Mother. We all looked at her with puzzled looks and then back to Grandmother. Mother waved a hand in the air and said sorry.

‘Now where was I,’ said Grandmother, ‘are yes, I offered him a bed for the night because I felt the poor man was too tired and needed to regain his strength. I took him to the spare room on the first landing and said I hoped he would find the room comfortable. I went back downstairs and retired to my bedroom. It was about an hour later as I turned over the figure of the man was bending over me baring his fang like teeth.’

We were hanging onto Grandmother’s every word when we all shrieked as the door burst opened and in walked a figure wearing a huge cloak.

‘Don’t take any notice of those stories; it was me, Uncle Pat, wanting a room for the night,’ he roared in his deep base voice.






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



tusker at 06:27 on 16 October 2009  Report this post
I really enjoyed this Laurence.

I enjoyed the relationship between the grandmother and children. I loved their innocence.

I could see those childen gathering at her feet and their wide-eyed expectation.

It had a 1950's feel about it. The ending was a smiley end.

Jennifer

V`yonne at 08:53 on 16 October 2009  Report this post
Yes you did the children well and the mother's sniggering.
You used 'look' 4 times. Here
We all looked at her with puzzled looks

you could say
We regarded her with puzzlement.


also here
We all took a deep intake of breath

you could have
We took a deep breath in


These are just nitty things but variations improve the writing.

I thought perhaps at the end

We were hanging onto Grandmother’s every word and all shrieked when the door burst opened and in walked a figure wearing a huge cloak. It was Uncle Pat.

‘Don’t take any notice of those stories,' he said, 'it was only me wanting a room for the night.’ His deep base laughter roared.


I loved the description of grandma's house. It gave a safe feeling.

Prospero at 08:59 on 16 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence.

This is a pleasant little story, but there isn't really a lot to it. The kids visit Grandma and hear a tall tale. Hmm.

I would have liked to read about the old lady trapping or killing a vampire or revealing herself as Van Helsing's widow or some such. Nonetheless thanks for the read.

Best

John

Laurence at 18:05 on 16 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Oonah

Thanks for the comments. I knew when I had written it that the ending needed to be reworded. Thanks for the suggestion.

My aim was to keep the story simple and homely which could possibly fit into the context of a much larger piece.

When I write flash fiction I tend to see if it can go further. Possibly this would work with a childrens story - not sure yet.

Laurence

Jumbo at 22:25 on 16 October 2009  Report this post
Laurence

Like Prosp, I felt this never reached its full potential. After all, you painted such a brilliant picture of the Grandmother telling the story to the children, catching their fears and anticipations so wonderfully, but then... it all dissipated far too quickly.

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to keep the first 400-450 words of this and then find an ending which better matches your wonderful opening.

Thanks for the read

john

Laurence at 09:41 on 17 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks John[Prospero] and John[Jumbo} for your comments and suggestions. I think I will revisit the piece and see what I can come up with.

I agree the ending needs more of a punch.

Laurence

choille at 11:32 on 17 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence,

I really like this - the descriptions of the family gathered in Grandma's kitchen & the way they listen & hunker down.

The scene is very vivid - they hang on her every word. It is a delightful vinigrette (sp?) of a happy family scene.

All the best
Caroline.

Bunbry at 11:35 on 17 October 2009  Report this post
Hi, I have to say I think Oonah's ending would be just the ticket if it's the children's market you are aiming at.

Nick

Findy at 07:02 on 18 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence

A delighful story, enjoyed it very much

A couple of nits -

‘Now, run along and play,’ beamed my Grandmother,


feel my is not required there

‘Now where was I,’ said Grandmother, ‘are yes,


Is are required there or is it a slang?

The penultimate line was too long I felt, maybe you could break it inot two lines and increase the suspense element?

findy


Laurence at 09:31 on 18 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Findy

Thanks for the comments - you're quite right 'my' good go and 'are' should have read 'Ah!'


Laurence

Elbowsnitch at 09:37 on 18 October 2009  Report this post
A very cosy story, Laurence! It's told in a fairytale-like, or even comic-book, way. The suggestion of dark shadows, but those are all dispelled by the end and nothing remains but a happy family gathering.

Personally I would steer clear of 'beamed'!

Frances

debac at 12:52 on 18 October 2009  Report this post
Caroline, do you mean vignette?

I agree with Jumbo's comments, and Oonah's alternative ending would work better, I think. It would feel more natural and less of a let-down.

Yes, most of it is beautifully done, but the ending as is was a little limp.

There were a few minor editing issues with punctuation and I noticed a tense slip. Things easily ironed out with an extra read-through.

Thanks for the good read, Laurence.

Deb

Laurence at 20:38 on 27 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks for the comments Deb will take these on board in re-write.

Laurence


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .