Login   Sign Up 



 

Collingwood

by Laurence 

Posted: 08 October 2009
Word Count: 740
Summary: Week 178 Challenge -Nighthawks


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


Depression takes over your life; it is with you every waking hour. It is like a worm that slowly eats away at your inside. I wasn’t always like this but since the death of my wife it is hard to remember better times. Three years, seven months and four days ago my wife was brutally murdered on her way home. Nobody was charged. There were a few leads but the trail went cold and the police closed the file. I had insisted they continue to search they apologised and said they would be in touch.
‘Hi Sam,’ I said nonchalantly entering the coffee shop.
‘Usual,’ he nodded with a half smile.

I sat at one end of the bar drinking my coffee slowly and trying to piece together the information I had come across a few hours ago. I removed a small piece of paper from my pocket; the name Richard Collingwood was scrawled across it.

I was staring at the far wall when two people stumbled into the bar; laughing and oblivious of anything else. I sat staring at the paper; a name it hit me like a punch to the stomach.

‘Richard darling, cheer up you should be over everything by now,’ she smiled as she kissed his cheek.

‘Beth, it’s hard to blot things out even though I couldn’t help it,’ sighed Richard, ‘Sorry it’s meant to be a celebration. Sam another two coffees.’ Sam brought over two fresh cups.

‘How’s things going Mr Collingwood?’

‘Great Sam, this lovely lady has just agreed to be my wife.’

‘Congratulations, hey this calls for something a little stronger,’ insisted Sam.

‘No I think I’ve had enough tonight I can’t afford to loose my license.’

‘Hey only one, can’t do any harm.’

‘Sam I’ll let you into a secret,’ he beckoned Sam closer, he glanced in my direction, ‘I did something really bad.’

‘We all do daft things darling ,’ said Beth cheerfully.

‘Yeh I know but this was really bad. If this happened to you sweetheart I wouldn’t rest until I found the person.’ Beth pulled away from Richard she wasn’t sure if this was one of his philosophical arguments or the drink talking. He began to slur his speech slightly but he still seemed to be in control. ‘It was nearly four years ago I was … I was coming out of a bar in down town. I know I should have hailed a cab and left my car but you know I thought I knew better. I got behind the wheel my eye sight was a little blurred but I could see straight. It was dark, the streets lights were casting a strange light across the road…. I think I revered the engine too much .. who knows….’

‘Darling, Sam doesn’t need to hear this,’ she kissed him on his cheek but he turned away from her. He noticed I was listening to him.

‘Hey buddy, what you staring at? No home to go to? No little wife to crawl into bed with?’

‘Knock it off Mr Collingwood.’

‘Don’t tell me what to do,’ said Richard raising his voice.

‘Knock it off. Mr Traynor’s wife was killed some years ago.’

Richard was about to open his mouth again and he seemed to stop in mid stream. He got up and staggered across to me, his steely blue eyes looked right at me. He placed an arm on my shoulder. He had no idea how much I resented this contact. I wanted to shrug him off and knock him out cold but I had something far better for this scum bag.

‘Sorry buddy. Accept my apologies.’

I noticed his expression was that of a troubled man. ‘What happened?’ I asked slowly and deliberately.

‘Some dame stepped out off the side walk and I hit her. I panicked and threw the car into reverse my back wheels skidded as I went over her a second time. I’ve lived with that image every day since. The police questioned me but I had an alibi for the time of the accident.’ He turned towards Beth who had turned white; clearly she had never heard this story.

I got up threw some coins on the table and nodded to Sam; I took one last look at Richard and Beth and left the bar.
As Beth and Richard left the bar minutes later, a silver Cadillac mounted the pavement and mowed Richard down.







Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



M. Close at 05:45 on 09 October 2009  Report this post
Nice Laurence. A chilling tale of loneliness, and revenge. I knew something would happen, I really liked the end.
Thanks for the read.

just a quick typo I think,
He turned towards Beth who had turned white; clearly he had never heard this story.

Shouldn't the 'he' be a 'she'?


Mike


Laurence at 07:33 on 09 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks for the comments Mike

Just corrected the typo.

Laurence

tusker at 09:54 on 09 October 2009  Report this post
I enjoyed this Laurence.

Good pacey dialogue. I could feel the man's anger.

One nit: through the car into reverse. Souldn't it be threw?

Jennifer

Laurence at 10:47 on 09 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Jennifer just cleared up the little problem!!

Laurence

Prospero at 12:08 on 09 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence

Some three years, seven months and four days my wife brutally murdered on her way home.

I think this should read

Three years, seven months and four days (ago) my wife (was) brutally 'killed' on her way home.

Sorry to be so picky but starting the sentence with 'some' and then being precise about the period of time that has passed implies an irony that doesn't appear elsewhere in the story. Without the 'ago' and 'was' the sentence doesn't really make sense. 'Murdered' implies that the wife's death was intentional which leads the reader to expect a whole different story. In this case it was more like manslaughter or unlawful killing. Bad, but not murder.

You have a great idea and a good narrative style, but you risk throwing your reader out of the story if there are inconsistencies in your presentation.

Best

Prosp

Laurence at 12:57 on 09 October 2009  Report this post
Point taken Prosp thanks.

Just sorted out the period of time.

Laurence

Prospero at 09:29 on 10 October 2009  Report this post
Yup, that has nailed it, Laurence.

Best

Prosp


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .