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Revenge

by Laurence 

Posted: 02 October 2009
Word Count: 497
Summary: Week 274 Challenge. Words in bold are part of a conversation I picked up from a radio play.


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The sun rose on a drab street, on a non-descript estate in Newcastle. The spirit of community had been knocked out of the street by the death of a teenager seven years ago and it has never recovered; the grieving family still live at 56.

Mary is pottering around the house because John will be released from prison today; there will be no celebration, it is just one more reminder that Darrel will never return. Josie, her daughter, has been very bitter since the death of her brother and does not understand why her father was put away for defending his family; she cannot get out of her head the jeering as her brother was kicked to death by the gang. Her boyfriend Ryan had also been hurt that dreadful night and she wants revenge.

John makes his way from his cell to a counter where a prison officer is asking him to sign for his belongings. John takes them without any fuss and doesn’t bother to check the contents of a brown envelope containing his personal defects.

Standing outside the prison John finds himself on a empty street breathing in the cold morning air. A figure approaches, she looks different he can tell she is bitter. Josie hugs him and then looks him up and down. ‘Let’s get you home.’

Mary and John stare at each other they give each other a quick embrace and then sit down on either side of the kitchen table while Josie plonks two cracked mugs down, tea slops onto the table; John plays with it momentarily.

‘How’s things?’ asks John.

‘Fine,’ mumbles Mary.

‘Just fine?’

‘What do you want me to say?’

‘Forget it,’ says John. He stares around the kitchen; it needs a lick of paint. It can wait.

‘We need to get even,’ blurted Josie.

‘No,’ insisted John

‘I know you are not ready for anything like that,’ insisted Josie, ‘but we need to bring closure for Mum and Darrel. Look at her Dad! Look at Mum!’

John looked across the table at Mary, tears came to his eyes; he wipes his nose with the back of his hand, ‘Now I’m settled. I just don’t think I have any fight left in me, I really don’t.’
I was going to ask Mum if she knew anyone but she thought you might,’ pleaded Josie. John shot a glance at Mary who looked away.

‘Why?’

‘I need to know, John. I need to know,’ she trailed off as she began to sob. ‘My son, our son, wasn’t a bad boy. How could they do that to him? John I am sick … it’s like something is eating away inside me. I just want it to go away.’ She buried her face in her arms as she sobbed uncontrollably; her whole body wracked with the sobs.

‘Okay love, okay,’ he said patting her gently on the shoulders, ‘I’ll see to it.’ He turned to Josie ‘I’ll sort it tonight, trust me.’






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 14:43 on 02 October 2009  Report this post
I thought perhaps the dialogue could be interlaced more with the background information you detail at the start and there are a few changes from past tense to present and back you need to look at eg:
John looked across the table at Mary, tears came to his eyes; he wipes.
Maybe that is part of why I couldn't quite grasp what was going on.

And here,
tea slops onto the table; John plays with it momentarily.
what? The slop? The tea? The table?

The idea of a need for revenge is a good one.

tusker at 15:12 on 02 October 2009  Report this post
The story is solid, Laurence. The sad fact of a son's death well written.

I agree with Oonah about the background and I think the story could start with the father coming out of the prison. For me he's your main MC.

The rest of the information could be interspersed through the story. Edit, what you might consider irrelevant words. I call it pruning.

I don't think you need to tell how the spirit of the community and his family had been affected. You could write it from MC's point of view, from what he sees, feels and in his conversation with his family.

This is John's story. It's what he finds when he gets out of prison, and what is expected of him.

Jennifer

Bunbry at 15:38 on 03 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence, I think the points made already are good ones, so won't reiterate them.

I would have liked a stronger ending with some interesting revelation about the man's character perhaps - what prison had done to him etc.

Nick

Arian at 17:52 on 03 October 2009  Report this post
Good points above – won’t repeat them.

For my part, I liked the choice of present tense, which gives the piece a fresh, pacey feel. But it’s worth going through it to check for consistency – you chop and change a little between past/present. Take these dialogue tags, for example:

‘Forget it,’ says John.
‘We need to get even,’ blurted Josie.
‘No,’ insisted John.

And there’s other places.

Also one or two construction errors, such as:

A figure approaches. She looks different and he can tell she is bitter.


Most of these are easily, fixed, though.
Hope it helps.
cheers
peter


Laurence at 18:40 on 03 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Peter

Proof reading one's own work is not always a good idea!

As I change ideas, adding and subtracting words I sometimes leave the odd word behind which does make construction of some sentences a little awkward.

Laurence

crowspark at 21:18 on 03 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Lawrence

Solid story with good scene setting.

You have a few tense changes which are easily fixed.

Rather than use third person omniscient viewpoint you might consider choosing a mc who can best carry the story. Get the reader engaged early and help the reader experience the story rather than tell.

Welcome to FF1 and I look forward to reading more of your fiction.

Bill

Laurence at 23:19 on 03 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks for your comments Bill.

Will try from MC viewpoint.

Laurence

Jumbo at 11:37 on 04 October 2009  Report this post
Nice writing, Lawrence. I enjoyed reading this.

It's a solid story and you capture the emotions of this family so accurately.No pics, other than those already mentioned.

Thanks for sharing it.

Welcome to the group.

Regards

john

debac at 16:33 on 05 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence,

I liked this. I found the story involving and enjoyed reading it.

I agree with some of the comments already made, and I noticed a few punctuation errors (or things I would disagree with, at least).

I believe 'nondescript' is written without hyphen, but I admit I haven't just looked it up to check.

Should be 'personal effects' not 'personal defects'.

she looks different he can tell she is bitter


I would punctuate after 'different' - suggest a full stop, semi-colon or dash.

Mary and John stare at each other they give each other a quick embrace


Again, I would punctuate after 'other'.

Sorry for the picky points - I notice such things!

But a nice story, told with feeling.

And those quotes come from The Archers, don't they? I don't follow it but I happened to hear that episode twice while busy doing something and the radio was on!

Deb

Laurence at 19:56 on 06 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks for your comments Deb and well spotted the quotes did come from the Archers.

Laurence


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