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Sanctity and Justice

by tusker 

Posted: 01 October 2009
Word Count: 255
Summary: For Jen's 'overheard' challenge


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Sudden noise slammed into the silence. The church, its sanctity exploding into screams and rough, urgent voices. Sean ducked down behind the pew, eyes wide in terror. Around him, gloomy dusk glimmered through saints poised in ecclesiastical windows. Cries of help to the Lord and Holy Mother were muffled. Feet scuffed on a hard granite surface.

Minutes later, the sudden noise died. Phantom whispers, getting louder, approached. Three male figures, smelling of sweat and blood mingled with stale beer, passed by him. He heard a laugh cut short by a curt warning. A side door opened, letting in a slice of street light before closing again with a precise snap of finality.

Sean got up and walked down the aisle towards a body trussed up like a sacrifice at the foot of the altar. He crept closer, his palms wet with fear. ‘Help me, Sean,’ the priest’s mouth moved through a pulp of bloodied flesh. The boy stepped back, making the sign of the cross. ‘Help me!’ the priest’s voice gurgled.

Sean remained still, knowing that they’d be alone for at least an hour. Then he ran back down the aisle, out through the church door, happy that his Bible Class with Father John was cancelled, maybe, for ever. As he sprinted towards the park, he realised that he’d miss out on the priest’s reward of a bag of sweets and the occasional DVD, once weekly.

Still, he thought, there were other fish to fry. Sean chuckled at his own joke. It was Friday evening.






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 12:12 on 01 October 2009  Report this post
Oh he'll never get to heaven, that lad! Nice Jeninifer. I really loved
dusk glimmered through saints poised in ecclesiastical windows

tusker at 14:39 on 01 October 2009  Report this post
Father John won't make it either, Oonah.

Jennifer

Prospero at 15:49 on 01 October 2009  Report this post
Oh dear.

Looks like Father John was into little boys and some big boys put a stop to it.

A good take on the Challenge and an effective, if not entirely pleasant tale.

Best

Prosp

tusker at 16:56 on 01 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks John.

You got it in one.

I agree, it's not a pleasant tale. So many got away with it. This one didn't.



Jennifer

Jumbo at 00:27 on 02 October 2009  Report this post
Nasty, nasty, Jennifer.

Tell you what, you stay away from my Tescos and I'll stay clear of your church.

I was going to pick out the same line as Oonah, but I also liked,

A side door opened, letting in a slice of street light

Nice writing. Thanks for sharing it.

Cheers

john

Findy at 03:01 on 02 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Jennifer,

Enjoyed this Jennifer. Loved the lines highlighted by Jumbo and Oonah.

Father John will not make it?, hmm, I didn't get that at first - maybe the lad will get heaven after all

findy

crowspark at 12:45 on 02 October 2009  Report this post
Unholy goings on!
A crisp and urgent flash.
Well done!

Bill

tusker at 15:16 on 02 October 2009  Report this post

Thanks John.

I promise you, I won't put a foot into your Tescos. I'm a new recruit for Asda these days. Won't they be pleased?

Church? There's one not far from me but I just watch from the window the flock go in and out, once a week.

Jennifer

tusker at 15:16 on 02 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Findy.

I hope the lad will.

Jennifer

tusker at 15:18 on 02 October 2009  Report this post
'Tis terrible, terrible, Bill, I know.

I couldn't let the priest get away with it, could I?

Thanks.

Jennifer

Bunbry at 15:53 on 03 October 2009  Report this post
I love a good revenge tale Jennifer, so well done with this one!

I'm not sure about this line
Sean remained still, knowing that they’d be alone for at least an hour.
as the lad then runs off!

If you want to imply the Father will remain undiscovered I'd try a different way of wording it. Perhaps

'Sean paused, usure what to do as he knew that no one else would be coming by that evening' (or similar).

I would also cut the phrase 'once weekly'.

Nice work as usual!

Nick

tusker at 16:37 on 03 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Nick.

I see what you mean. Will take another look at it.

Jennifer

Laurence at 23:05 on 03 October 2009  Report this post
A powerful piece - with unsavoury undertones.

Laurence

tusker at 07:42 on 04 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Laurence.

Jennifer

Arian at 20:22 on 04 October 2009  Report this post
Nicely formed drama, for so few words. Outstanding first sentence - so it’s a pity (minor nit) that the second sentence isn’t a sentence at all, in a technical sense. Plus it mixes tenses. Easily solved, though, with something like:

Sudden noise slammed into the silence, as the sanctified peace of the church exploded into screams and rough, urgent voices.

Or similar.

Well conceived piece, though – thanks.
peter



debac at 17:41 on 05 October 2009  Report this post
Lovely tight writing. I esp loved the two sentences highlighted by Ooonah and Jumbo.

Like Bunbry I didn't understand the ref to staying still for an hour, and I also agree about 'once weekly' being superfluous.

I might be being thick but wasn't sure I understood 'other fish to fry', unless meant simply as a biblical reference?

happy that his Bible Class with Father John was cancelled, maybe, for ever.

I would cut the maybe (and its associated commas) because I think it would be far punchier to suggest that he certainly wouldn't be having bible class with father john anymore, whether or not the priest survives.

But apart from those minor quibbles I thought it was stonking.

Deb

tusker at 18:15 on 05 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Arian. See what you mean. Writing without editing is a fault I've got.

Jennifer

tusker at 18:19 on 05 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks Deb, as I've mentiond to Arian, I can see the glaring fault.

It was a childish joke for Sean. Meat was and maybe still is with some Christians, taboo on Fridays. Fish was cooked instead.

Jennifer

debac at 13:25 on 06 October 2009  Report this post
Oh, now I get the fish joke. Sorry - I did know that from way back but I'm an atheist so haven't thought about it for years.

Deb

tusker at 14:26 on 06 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Debs,
Lots got drilled into us back in those days.

I'm not a religious person, but I connect with what a late departed friend used describe his spirituality as 'listening to the songs of the earth.'

I've even got a wee book of that subject.

Jennifer



debac at 16:42 on 06 October 2009  Report this post
My mother says she finds god in the garden... her version of god, not that of any organised religion. As an atheist I find that far easier to understand than organised religion.

Deb


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