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The last time I woke up.
Posted: 27 August 2009
Word Count: 100
Summary: Challenge 172. A little story about not being able to wake up. I don't like it, but I'm going to put it up anyway!
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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.
The last time I woke up was the day I was born, I had a lot of brothers and sisters. We were separated, we all lost contact. I知 so tired, fucking tired of not sleeping.
I was only a fraction of the size I am now, I was fresh faced, there was a look of exploration in my eye. Now, two years later I知 left here, my eyes have sunk, these stupid bastards my only company and I eat my own kind.
The last time I woke up I was free, now I知 stuck in this fucking tank for life.
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Comments by other Members
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 tusker at 14:20 on 27 August 2009
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An unusual take on the theme, Keith.
I enjoyed it, and felt the depair of a goldfish in its cramped environment.
A nit pick, maybe the others might disagree but- I'd put a full stop in the first paragraph after: I was born.
'We were seperated. We lost contact' instead of the comma in between or add an 'and.'
Same with second paragraph. A full stop after 'I am now.' instead of a comma. Then, 'I was fresh faced' either with a full stop or an and.
Also in 2nd paragraph, I'd leave out 'these stupid bastards' Just write, 'I eat my own kind,' to create more impact.
3rd paragraph, the same. Full stop after, 'I was free.'
Jennifer
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 Prospero at 19:20 on 27 August 2009
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There was a goldfish escaped the other day. Survived 7 hours out of water apparently.
Interesting interpretation of the prompt, Keith. I wasn't sure this was a goldfish, you left it ambiguous which I like.
Powerful imagery that puts me in mind of people suffering from those dreadful conditions where an active and enquiring mind is trapped in a useless body.
Good stuff.
Best
John
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jenzarina at 20:08 on 27 August 2009
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It sounded so sinister to me! I wasn't sure what the creature was but if it is a goldfish somehow that's no less sinister.
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 FelixBenson at 13:56 on 30 August 2009
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Very effective in conveying the horror and frustration of the trapped. I especially liked:
| two years later I知 left here, my eyes have sunk, |
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As Prosp said - you left it ambiguous...giving it much more power..When I read:
| The last time I woke up I was free, now I知 stuck in this fucking tank for life. |
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I thought - you could apply that to any creature, trapped in its own environment, or body.
Great stuff,
Kirsty
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Comments by other Members
V`yonne
GaiusCoffey
