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You Did Not Come
Posted: 18 August 2009
Word Count: 70
Summary: Still trying to find my voice again after not writing for a few years.
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This morning when I rose,
I shaved, I washed my hair
Yet still you did not come.
To while away the morning hours,
I read that book, they served my lunch
Yet still you did not come.
To speed away an afternoon,
I slept, I dreamed
Yet still you did not come.
What is this greed alive inside,
That must be fed by you alone?
Perhaps tomorrow, you will come.
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Comments by other Members
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 GaiusCoffey at 16:27 on 24 August 2009
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I'm no poet, but this I like.
It felt like there was a much bigger story about where "you" are and why you can't go and find her. Also, where she (I'm assuming  ) is and why she doesn't visit. May your greed alive inside be satisfied.
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 itcametomeinadream at 17:39 on 27 August 2009
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I like this too. Like GaiusCoffey, it prompted questions in me that weren't answered directly, forcing me to imagine.
I don't know if it's deliberate, but the rhythm seemed quite "jumpy". In some ways, I might have preferred a more consistent rhythm to chime with the repetition at the end of each verse.
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paul53 [for I am he] at 10:51 on 05 September 2009
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Hi Phill,
I know Oscar Wilde said "comparisons are odious" but this reminded me of a poem I penned many decades ago called Awaiting You, which off the top of my head began: "awaiting you, you did not come/though patiently I stood,". The point of telling you this is that it wasn't about awaiting a person at all, but about someone yearning for death.
This is just an aside, but I cannot shake my poem free when reading yours, and that is a shame, for there is a very strong and clever line here.
| I read THAT book, THEY served my lunch |
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unassumingly emphasises the undisclosed book and the servers of your lunch, drawing the reader in with - other budding WW poetry contributors please note - what is NOT said.
The strong lines, however, also act as forgiveness for the weaker ones.
"I washed my hair" unfortunately hovers too far on the wrong side of pathos, risking sounding banal, but for the wrong reason.
I also wonder if the final verse is even needed.
On finding your voice:
There is definitely one there worth finding, hence the strong line I praised above, but this line almost carries the entire piece with a promise that is struggling to emerge.
I wish there was more of your work on this site to compare it with.
Paul
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dreaming at 22:25 on 09 June 2010
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Phill,
It seems to me that she came and you missed her.There is always a chance for true love!!!
<Added>
Go and find her!
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dreaming at 22:46 on 09 June 2010
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I agree with Gaious. Why you can't go and find her. It is never too late.
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