Hello Michelle,

Thank you so much for your message. You’re quite right, it is my birthday today (though, sadly, not 21 again!) I’d completely forgotten I’d filled in those details on my profile, so your message was quite the nice surprise!

I still can’t believe how supportive everyone on the forum is being, but I suppose we’re all in the same boat, aren’t we?

Anyway, how are you? How was your cousin’s wedding? What did you wear in the end? I know exactly what you mean about choosing an outfit that detracts attention, by the way. I never used to wear skirts before, but these days I practically live in them. I put some jeans on the other day and the legs just looked like deflated balloons. I felt so self-conscious, but then I reminded myself of how lucky I was to have survived. Do you ever have moments like that?

It’s funny (coincidental) that you mentioned your dream. I’ve been having one similar since September. Like you, I dreamt that something was pressing down on my legs. It was so heavy that I couldn’t lift it and no matter how much I screamed, no one heard me. Sometimes I even wake up convinced that I can taste smoke in my mouth. I told my psychiatrist about it and she said that these kinds of dreams are ‘a way for the mind to process and deal with a traumatic event’ and that ‘they’ll pass in time’. Perhaps she’s right, but every morning that I wake from one it’s like I’m reliving that day. As if going through it once wasn’t enough.

In answer to your question, I am getting a little better in the wheelchair (my arms are certainly a lot stronger than they’ve ever been!) I’m still not used to the looks I get from people, though. You’d think people had seen it all in London, but it seems that a woman without legs is still quite the head-turner. It sounds like you’ve been having similar reactions. I suppose it just takes some time to get used to it all, doesn’t it?

Anyway, on a brighter note, what are you doing for New Year’s Eve? Friends have invited me round for dinner, but I’m tempted to stay in with the cat and a good novel in front of the fire. It feels like a long time since I’ve had any normality in my life.

Well, if I don’t hear from you before, I hope that you have a lovely Christmas and see 2002 in with style.

Best,

Tilda

PS - I’ve just re-read what I’ve written. It probably won’t surprise you to know that I’m not as calm and collected as I come across. Like you, there are mornings I wake up and don’t even think I can get out of bed, but I’m taking it a day at a time. I think that’s the only way to get through it, isn’t it?