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The Joyride

by Jordan789 

Posted: 17 July 2009
Word Count: 497
Summary: for this week's challenge


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I woke up to Jerry jabbing me in the ribs. “You awake?” he whispered. We shared a room in a house not far from campus.

“Now I am. What is it?” It was two-thirty in the morning. Seven hours earlier, a committee of teachers, provosts, fellow students, and the president of the college, had ruled to discontinue Jerry’s education. Due to poor academic performance, he would not be returning next year.

“Come here,” he said. “Look.” He stood on his toes, skinny legs pushing his eyes up to the circular attic window. He was making sure that from this vantage, we could see it there in the driveway, through the trees and the humid night.

“How am I going to look with you in the way?” I said. He moved, and I looked out and I saw it. A carnival green colored ’56 Chevrolet, a convertible with the canvas roof stretched open like a mouth that could swallow the sky, the body of the car shining under the yellow street light.

The car belonged to Arthur C. Daily, the 17th president of Geneseo University. Every Sunday, on his way home from church, he and his wife drove past our house. He waxed it every week, taking better care of it than anything we’d ever taken care of in our lives.

“What did you do?” I asked.

“Get dressed,” he said.

If one person saw us, or it--parked stupidly in front of the house--they’d know.

“We’re just going for a little ride,” he said.

I’ll never forget the leather seats, how smooth and cool they felt, and how they smelled; the crunch of the tires on the gravel, the overhanging trees, the stars, the streetlamps, the houses all lined up and pressed together and asleep. We drove north and when we passed the edge of town I stopped worrying about the police. At the field with the wooden bubble of the astronomy observatory, he opened her up. The engine dropped a gear and we sped off. We went one-hundred and ten miles per hour between a cornfield and a manure farm. The world around us, the sky above us. He cheered. He had a high pitched, girlish cheer, ecstatic and unforgettable. The wind screamed back, alive and wailing.

He left sometime in the early morning. I found out a day later, in the paper, that he had abandoned the car in the center of Main Street, parked neatly against the other town landmark, the concrete bear fountain. He had ditched the keys into a sewer drain, and hitched a ride to the bus station. “A Mysterious Joyride,” the paper called it.

“We have some suspects in mind,” the sheriff was quoted as saying.

The next morning I woke up to a car door slamming shut. The sheriff and another stood in the driveway, bent over a car track with a measuring tape. I denied everything. Since I didn’t know where Jerry went, I had nothing to tell them.






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Comments by other Members



choille at 22:08 on 17 July 2009  Report this post
Yes - It's good Jordan.

I loved the canvas mouth that could swallow the sky & the houses pressed together & asleep. Also the peeping through the window.

The only bit that halted me was the name of the guy who owned the car.

We have an old series on TV called Minder where one of the characters is called Arthur Daley. He is a bit of a dogdy dealer but likable. Kind of threw me when you had that name as it's a classic here.

Good flash.

All the best
caroline.

Forbes at 00:26 on 18 July 2009  Report this post
Jordan same reaction to the name with me! But if this is for US market - no probs.

Nice coming of age piece.

One tiny pick:

He stood on his toes, skinny legs pushing his eyes up to the circular attic window.


This sentence didn't make sense to me.

But I liked the tale of the two naughty boys.

Avis

<Added>

...and meant to say I liked the same bit about the car's open top too.

LMJT at 09:47 on 18 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

I like this piece. It had a great sense of pace and surroundings. I also really liked that the story started and finished with the MC waking up. I liked the full circle effect of that.

There were a couple of points where I stumbled over the sentences because of comma usage, but that's maybe just me. The below made me read them twice:

Seven hours earlier, a committee of teachers, provosts, fellow students, and the president of the college, had ruled to discontinue Jerry’s education.

I think if you cut the one after 'students' and 'college' it would read a little smoother. Do you see what I mean?

He was making sure that from this vantage, we could see it there in the driveway, through the trees and the humid night.

And here, I think maybe you need a comma after 'that' and the one after driveway could be cut.

I don't know, maybe it's just me. In which case just ignore!

A great flash, thanks for the read.

Liam

tractor at 10:31 on 18 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

great revenge story and so visual. Personally I think it would have been better to have the reason for kicking the guy out of college to be some misdemeanour that more reasonable people would have ignored, but in this case the President had had it in for him. I know if I got chucked out of college for poor academic performance the only grudge I'd hold would be against myself.

Cheers

Mark

Findy at 11:44 on 18 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan

Lovely flash, loved the descriptions, esp this para -

I’ll never forget the leather seats, how smooth and cool they felt, - alive and wailing.


and the canvas mouth too

findy

Bunbry at 12:30 on 18 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan, I think this is you at you absolute best - terrific stuff. I was there in the car riding with them at one point!

Two minor points to ponder -

Did you mean Mysterious Joyrider?

And what exactly is a manure farm??!!

Nick

crowspark at 08:05 on 19 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan

My reactions match what others have said, great visuals, the Arthur Daily moment, surreal skinny legs pushing eyes, what's a manure farm etc.

Nice twist ending. Strong writing.

Jubbly at 15:48 on 19 July 2009  Report this post
I thought you'd given him that name on purpose for comic reasons, so no problems there. Great imagery and a lovely feeling of wickedness running through the story.

J
x

Jordan789 at 16:45 on 19 July 2009  Report this post
Thanks everyone for reading and commenting. It's always appreciated! I didn't know about Arthur Daily, but it's good to know.

Liam, I think I agree with you about those comma places. Thanks for the points.

Mark, Originally it was going to be a story of a revenge, at least as a motivation it was going to begin as a racial issue, but I took the motivation out of the story. This was then just a joyride, and a last celebration before one boy left.

Nick, a joyride is a noun; the act of joy riding, or a pleasure cruise. Manure farms = places the produce animal(usually cow, i think) poop (excrement, dung, feces, etc., crap, shit, hehe) for fertilization purposes. I'm not sure if many produce only that, but in this story one does.

Thanks again everyone for your feedback!

Jordan




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