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Deep in a Well

by keithhodges 

Posted: 15 July 2009
Word Count: 379
Summary: I gave it a go! It's not my best that's for sure!


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Everyday without fail little Ben would walk through the village on his way home from school, his hands rustling through his pockets as he reached the sweetshop; rummaging for loose change. Through the tissues, the dirt and the little stones he would collect Ben would pull together 30p and use it to buy his favourite sweets.

“2 chewy bars please.” He would say, with his eyes just poking over the counter, the scars on his head clearly visible to the frail lady, who in 60 years had not moved from that counter.

“There we go Ben, and how are you today? On your own again?” She would ask, her eyes hinting towards scars.

“I’m fine.” He would answer, everyday, in the sweetest voice, angelic, full of youth and vibrancy.

He would skip off over the hill opposite, towards the fields. A woman with better eye sight would see him throw a coin into the deep well situated in the middle of the field; a woman with the ears of a dog would hear how he wished for enough money the next day to buy some sweets. People from far and wide came to that well, asking for cars, money, and success; never did they get it.

“I wish for 31p again tomorrow please.” He would ask the hole before him.

The next day Ben arrived in the shop, “2 chewy bars please.” He placed his money on the counter, and once more set off across the field home, throwing his penny in the well.

Which had become somewhat of a national news item, with cries being heard from inside when coins were dropped, a myth the frail old lady thought but wondering what all the fuss was about she left her counter, with her coin, and headed for the well. Clutching the penny she looked into the hole, she closed her eyes, held her breath and wished.

“I wish I knew how that poor little boy keeps cutting his head.” She threw the coin with a force,to her surprise a cry was heard from the well, the shocked frail old lady lost her balance, the wind blew; and she fell, deep into the well; landing on a small boy called Ben, cradling a cut as he did his homework.






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Comments by other Members



tusker at 15:12 on 15 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Keith,

This is lovely. I really enjoyed it. Great twist in the end. It was a sort of fairy tale in a way, if you get what I mean.

Jennifer

keithhodges at 16:00 on 15 July 2009  Report this post
It was! I thought this after reading it back! Glad you like it! This pleases me as you pushed me to do it! x

Findy at 18:26 on 15 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Keith

Lovely story, I just had one doubt though, why the other people did not get their wishes - I hope it is not a dumb doubt - but is the line

they never got it


required at all. Just wondering, let's see what the others say, maybe it's just me

findy

Forbes at 22:57 on 15 July 2009  Report this post
Nice idea of the fairy story. it gave me a clear start, middle and end.

I think you could tighten it up a bit - a lot of woulds in there, for a start.

Look at the punctuation too:

...in the sweetest voice, angelic, full of youth and vibrancy.


needs some more definition, but I can't quite see how, without changing it.


Ben had scars on his head because he falls into the well? How does he get out everyday?

And why doesn't anybody else get their wish?

The overall feel was very Hansel & Gretel, so well done to create this mood.

Cheers

Avis


Prospero at 11:16 on 17 July 2009  Report this post
Nice one, Keith.

I tumbled, so to speak, just before the end, but nonetheless a well written and entertaining story.

Best

Prosp

LMJT at 10:17 on 18 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Keith,

I liked this. It's a very original idea. As others have said, it's a little like a fairy tale.

A couple of points:

the dirt and the little stones he would collect Ben

This jarred with me as it read as if he was collecting Ben! Do you see what I mean? I think you need a comma after collect.

A woman with better eye sight would see him throw a coin into the deep well situated in the middle of the field; a woman with the ears of a dog would hear how he wished for enough money the next day to buy some sweets.

I really liked this idea.

“I wish for 31p again tomorrow please.” He would ask the hole before him
.
A couple of things here: he had 30p the day before, why does he wish for 31? Also, what he says isn't a question, so I think maybe cut 'ask'.

“2 chewy bars please.”

I think 'two' looks better than '2'.

Anyway, thanks for the read.

Liam



keithhodges at 11:34 on 18 July 2009  Report this post
thanks a lot! all taken on board! he asks for 31p so he can wish with the last penny on the way home again! I'll rework the grammar and wording a bit and maybe post it up again!


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