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The Woman who had Bought the Winning Ticket

by Jordan789 

Posted: 01 July 2009
Word Count: 479


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Martha had packed all of her things in cardboard boxes. They lined the hallways stacked like a miniature industrial park, layered with clothes and shoes, trinkets and jewelry that had no value to the pawn shop.

She went out to the back porch, mostly out of habit, carrying her drink and a telephone. Once there she didn’t quite know what to do. The chairs and tables had been removed, and so it was only a wooden deck now and a view of the ocean that broke her heart now that she had nowhere to sit. She looked at the phone in her hands. She had thought about calling her sister.

When the movers arrived to take the last of her things, she peered through the glass of the front door at two short and burly men who stood there, watching her.

The men looked at each other. She held her glass between her two fingers and rattled the ice. She thought about not opening it. “No one is home,” she said, through the door. “Go away.” The men smiled.

She finally let them in. She couldn’t change things now. She let them in and she let them have at it. They carried boxes, two at a time, out to the truck, scuffing their tan work boots across the wooden floors. They weren’t her floors anymore. She sat on the stairs with her drink and the melting ice floating around the top.

She had nothing left to do. She was an old woman now and her sons were busy failing their way through life. One venture at a time. Thomas had called her last week to tell her he was going to become a movie producer. “There’s nothing left,” she told him, and this only angered him.

“What do you mean there is nothing left?”

“What does it sound like I mean?”

“But I don’t understand,” he said.

“You wouldn’t,” she said. “I’m sorry, there’s nothing left.” She didn’t harbor any hope for him. He was too dumb. She didn’t even want to know where he had gotten the idea. A producer. The trouble with people today, she thought, they think they can be anyone they want. He called her a greedy old liar, and hung up the phone.

When the boxes were all packed, the movers came to her on the stairs. They wanted a tip. She saw it in their lingering, in the way they told her the obvious. “We’re all finished,” one said, like she didn’t know. The other stood like a thug close behind. She felt the chill she felt sometimes when she passed a group of men on the street.

“I’m sorry,” she said. All of her things were gone. Everything was gone. The only thing left of her inside of the house was her, and her memories. And neither would last very much longer.







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Comments by other Members



tusker at 06:54 on 02 July 2009  Report this post
A sad reflection of today's financial crisis, sour family relationship, and greed, Jordan.

One nit: there are too many now's.

Jennifer

tractor at 10:00 on 04 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

I enjoyed this. The old woman dispossesed, the sons
busy failing their way through life
and the menace at the end are all well done. Very atmospheric.

Cheers

Mark


choille at 11:22 on 04 July 2009  Report this post
Great sense of place & atmosphere in here.

Wonderful emptyness of emotion - like the house.

Agree about the 'now's - to many of them.

Also liked the slight menace of the men - her slight unease - very well done.

She let them in and she let them have at it.
Although this doesn't work for me.

T'is a great flash.

All the best

Caroline.

LMJT at 19:28 on 04 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

I enjoyed this piece, but I think it could do with another edit or two. It didn't feel as tight as your other works.

A couple of comments:

She had thought about calling her sister.

I would cut the 'had' here. It makes it seem passive.

“Go away.” The men smiled.

When I first read this, I thought it was the men saying this.

Thanks for the read.

Liam

crowspark at 08:07 on 05 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan

A good piece with only a few edits needed to tighten. Strong sense of loss, vulnerability and fear and deep frustration.

Well done.

Bill

Jordan789 at 01:55 on 06 July 2009  Report this post
Hey all

thanks very very much for reading and for commenting.

Always appreciated.

Cheers!

Prospero at 11:09 on 06 July 2009  Report this post
As others have said already a great sense of place and atmosphere. As I have recently moved myself I can relate to the the stacks of boxes and the feeling of dislocation. Thanks for the read.

Best

Prosp

Jordan789 at 19:32 on 06 July 2009  Report this post
hopefully you're not in the same straights as my protagonist, Prosp.

Also hope that your move is going smoothly. It must be exciting to be in a new place.


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