Harmonies Journey: Chapter 2
Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.
CHAPTER 2
Doesn’t that phone ever stop ringing? If it’s not that, then it’s Bailiffs banging angrily at the front door. Bloody credit card bills.
She was determined not to answer the telephone. The obsessive calls were making her feel quite ill, and she knew what they wanted. When will you be paying your arrears Mrs Simmons? I DON’T KNOW!
She did her best to ignore the siren by picking up her daughter’s toys, hovering the floor, even cleaning the pile of dishes that had built up next to the sink. The phone did eventually cease making that dreaded sound but not for long, it quickly began again. She tried to read a magazine, an old issue as she didn’t have enough money for a new one, but the noise was driving her insane. She ignored it for as long as possible until eventually she ran the length of the room and slammed the phone painfully against her ear.
“WHAT?!!!!!”
A solemn, deep and mature male voice spoke slowly. She paused and listened intensely until he stopped speaking and then she unleashed a heart stopping scream that shattered the icy silence in her living room. The man respectfully waited a moment and then continued.
“Can you come to the hospital as soon as possible Mrs Simmons?”
She caught her breath and with a whisper answered that she would get there as quickly as possible. Once the line went dead at the other end she remained standing with the phone still pressed hard against her ear. Her eyes were transfixed and her body swayed slowly. Her mind was contemplating too much information for it to know what to do with the rest of her. Eventually the pain in her ear registered and she carefully put it down and gently slumped to the floor, where she began to cry wretchedly for a lost amount of time. It was not until she heard the sound of her daughter crying did she stop her wailing and composed herself. She weakly stood up, wiped away her heavy tears and breathed in deeply, numbing her painful mind.
Should I take her with me? Of course not, what a stupid, silly thought. Another deep breath. I’ll drop her at Moms first.
…
“Simon, I’m going to fucking kill you!” Dan shouted in muddled bewilderment on the hard sandbank.
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Comments by other Members
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 The Bar Stward at 01:03 on 16 June 2009
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A very short upload. When I do continue with this story I don't want the chapters to be overly long (Dan Brown style), though admittedly this particular one is very short, but it does have an important purpose. It’ll keep the reader guessing a little longer.
I thought I’d upload this for a little bit, while I’m working on quite a long bit of Memoirs.
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pwhybrow at 03:12 on 16 June 2009
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Hi Scott
I just caught up with this after reading chapter one, which by the way is extremely powerful. This chapter again captures the same sort of drama, I wonder if you cut it a little too short. There is certainly a good style to the way you are building the tension here. The first chapter really grabs the imagination and this carries it along well.
Only issue I had was the use of 'She' in this paragraph.
| She did her best to ignore the siren. She picked up her daughter’s toys. She hovered the floor. She even cleaned the pile of dishes that had built up next to the sink. The phone did eventually cease making that dreaded sound but not for long, it quickly began again. She tried to read a magazine, an old issue as she didn’t have enough money for a new one, but the noise was driving her insane. She ignored it for as long as she could until eventually she ran the length of the room and slammed the phone painfully against her ear. |
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Was this on purpose? I am not saying it is incorrect, in fact, the way you did this seems to add to the drama. On reading it I felt drawn into the scene, but I wonder if it is a little too script-like?
Anyway, its good so keep it coming.
Peter
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SJ Williamson at 09:00 on 16 June 2009
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Oh Scott, my mind's working overtime now!
This is a good 2nd Chapter, and I agree with your comments about small chapters. It's all about the content and how you move the story along isn't it, and this you have done, with a little tease at the end too.
I agree with Peter, I wondered about that paragraph. However, now I've read it again, I can see that it works. I get what you're trying to do here (I think). The emotion it evokes is that unsettled feeling when you don't know what to do with yourself; so you do a bit of this, a bit of that, and then you find you still feel crap.
| It was not until the sound of her daughter crying drowned out her own, did she stop and composed herself. |
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- I tripped over this line for some reason. Is there a bit of a grammatical hiccup here?
Some lovely pieces I liked -
| then she unleashed a heart stopping scream that shattered the icy silence |
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| she began to cry wretchedly for a lost amount of time. |
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I like it very much, and look forward to more.
SJxx
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The Bar Stward at 15:08 on 16 June 2009
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| Only issue I had was the use of 'She' in this paragraph. |
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Hey Peter, thanks for the comments. Yes, the use of 'she' was used on purpose. I don't want to reveal who she is just yet, just to add a bit of intrigue (Is it Sarah or someone else? I mention her surname but that gives nothing away). I know it is very short, but it is just a small breather between what is happening to the main character.
| I like it very much, and look forward to more. |
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Hi SJ. There really won't be anymore for a long time. I only wrote this because it was such a short chapter and I just wanted to add a bit more mystery. In the book there will be some Major big questions but who is who would be cleared up by the next chapter, as you need to know your characters if you are going to invest in a long story.
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nezelette at 22:33 on 16 June 2009
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Hi Scott
An interesting upload. The intensity of chapter one is still there and it follows well from there. I didn't really notice the 'she', it sounded fine to me.
One thing I like a lot is that you would HAVE to read the next chapter, and that's the whole point here, isn't it?
Looking forward to more in the distant future.
Nancy
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The Bar Stward at 00:06 on 17 June 2009
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| I didn't really notice the 'she', it sounded fine to me. |
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That is because I have reworded it a little after the inital comments. Thanks for the comments
I'm half way through my next Memoirs chapter, but its a long one. I hope people still enjoy it as there seems to be a lot who like this better
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 Mand245 at 06:03 on 17 June 2009
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Hi Scott
Great that you decided to upload more of this. Your Memoirs are entertaining but this definitely has more depth and intrigue and leaves me wanting to know more.
| When will you be paying your arrears Mrs Simmons? I DON’T KNOW! |
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comma after "arrears"
hoovering
| The phone did eventually cease making that dreaded sound but not for long, it quickly began again |
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I would replace the comma after "long" with a semi colon
Just a question mark is enough here
| She paused and listened intensely |
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maybe "intently" rather than "intensely"
| “Can you come to the hospital as soon as possible Mrs Simmons?” |
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comma after "possible"
| She caught her breath and with a whisper answered that she would get there as quickly as possible. |
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comma after "and" and "whisper"
| Eventually the pain in her ear registered and she carefully put it down |
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sounds like she's putting her ear down!
| for a lost amount of time. |
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that's a lovely phrase
| It was not until she heard the sound of her daughter crying did she stop her wailing and composed herself. |
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The tense isn't quite right here. Suggest "compose" rather than "composed" or "that she stopped" rather than "did she stop"
| Of course not, what a stupid, |
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I would use a full stop or maybe a semi colon after "not"
| I’ll drop her at Moms first. |
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Mom's
| “Simon, I’m going to fucking kill you!” Dan shouted in muddled bewilderment on the hard sandbank. |
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I like the sudden change of scene with this last line - a great hook for reading on!
I really enjoyed this Scott. I know that you're going back to "Memoirs" but I hope you decide to post more of this in due course.
Mand
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freynolds at 08:31 on 17 June 2009
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Hi Scott,
This is a good second chapter. Short, yes, but you are setting the scene and engaging the reader to carry on by not revealing too much at a time. You've given us a short insight into Mrs Simmons (Simon's wife perhaps?) and yet at the same time posed more questions. The last line is also pulling us back into chapter one, reminding us of Dan and Simon and establishing a connection. Of what? We don't know yet. It is for the reader to find out.
Great stuff!
Fabienne
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The Bar Stward at 12:19 on 17 June 2009
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Thanks for the kind comments Fabienne and many thanks for all of the grammar advice Mand, as always, they will be put to use.
The truth is that though I actually know the beginning, middle and end of this, I haven't yet got it mapped out chapter by chapter, and that is what I like to do before I actually start writing.
I originally wrote this story back in 2002/2003. It began with two characters called Jacob and Miller who ran a pub and decided to leave. Obviously I can't use those characters anymore because I took them into something completely different, I expanded their origins story and turned it into something humourous. However, with Simon and Dan, I have found quite different characters, at a different place in their lives who will carry this story more seriously, and so, better.
Thanks for all of the comments guys. Always appreciated.
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