Login   Sign Up 


Gustaf Der Mörderische Vampir

by Acolmiztli 

Posted: 07 November 2003
Word Count: 292
Summary: A small excerpt from a vampire story i'm working on. Its not the start, more toward the middle. Its a work in progress. Advice and opinions more than welcome, i know its short, but anything would be interesting to hear.

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

Dark black gristle protruded from the cavern i had sliced into her abdomen. True she was already dead, but i swear i could hear her panting for breath, a last desperate attempt at feigning life - the undead have a sense of humour it would seem.
My heart poured out the last of my love at that moment, hatred taking its place, vengeance would surely follow. Looking at her face a feeling of regret overcame me, not for the wound i had inflicted, but for the past, for the passing of katherine into the demon world. I spoke aloud in the darkness, my voice echoing off the walls of the crypt.
'My poor Katherine, how i loved you, how could you do it...' my brain then replacing my heart,
'No. I'm sorry. It wasn't you... you died way before any of the attrocites commited by the scourge inside you. I only hope you can rest easy now.'
I didn't feel any better now the deed was done, but at least she could sleep. My mind raced, i wanted to go back. We were happy a year ago, we had no troubles, lived comfortably and had many laughs. That all changed the night Gustaf entered our bedroom, i can still remember his long, overbearing, silhouette passing past the bed; me and Katherine screaming in panic. I jumped to my feet, lunged at the intruder without thinking anything of my own life, the only thought racing through my unfit mind, must protect Kath!
The man raised his arm, not in an aggressive manner, but still the hit flung me against the wall. I lost conciousness and awoke later on that morning, something which i regret to this day. Why couldn't it of been me.

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

Becca at 09:25 on 08 November 2003  Report this post
Hi Acol, loved the 'dark black gristle'. The mood of the piece is well drawn, I don't quite get the sequence though, .. Kath and the narrator were attacked by a vampire, why is the narrator eating Kath now? Or is that a daft and pedantic thing to ask you?

Dee at 09:55 on 08 November 2003  Report this post
This is good. I'd like to know more about these characters and the atmosphere is suitably vamped.

A few minor typos:
i should be I
katherine should have a capital K.
'passing past the bed' needs attention
and, finally, 'Why couldn't it of been me.' should be 'Why couldn't it have been me?
You're not alone with this last one. It seems to be an increasingly common error these days; using 'of' instead of 'have'.

Apart from that - I like your style. Good luck with it.

old friend at 13:59 on 08 November 2003  Report this post
Hi Acol,
I read this as the Narrator having pierced Kath's heart with a wooden stake to release her from being a Vampire. I'm not sure for
Becca asks about 'eating her' and the abdomen is lower than the heart, so you may have intended to convey something different.

Nicely written. Read very carefully through your work to spot the typos and things but also to see if you can change words here and there...'echoing off' to 'echoing from' (perhaps add a couple of adjectives about the walls of the crypt, like dark, dank, ancient, satanic, menacing etc) to create those surroundings you see in your mind as you write.

What about 'hit' being replaced with 'blow'?

Well done!


Acolmiztli at 23:13 on 11 November 2003  Report this post
Thanks for the comments folks!

I'm gonna work on it some more, then when i become a full member, i'll upload a newer version.

To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .