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Chapter 1 - Day Five

by Warner 

Posted: 30 May 2009
Word Count: 1559
Summary: Re-written
Related Works: Chapter 1 - Day Four • Chapter 1 - Day Three • 

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Some Days, I Missed Paris.

Some Days, I Missed my Family.

Some Days, There were still planes flying over from the war that would dip there wings if people waved.

Today i chose a differant place to sit, where i could stare at such things like the Funnels and the Captain's deck, I started to feel very gratefull that i'd lived through the war for this day to happen. Mans invention, the engine, put a little fuel in, get a little adventure out, in, out, in, I sang to myself. Trying to pass the time was difficult for me, I couldnt swim or play tennis, Some passers by were giggling at me, I think they caught me singing. Luc was with me, leaning back in his deck chair, legs crossed, reading a newspaper, on the back page i could see some football story but i couldn't tell what it said. I could speak english but not yet read it, I was hoping i would pick it up by choice at work in New York, after all, We had our Learn English Book that Luc treated as the Bible.
'This is my future!! This is our future!! Daveen!! The war is over!!' I remember him saying dancing around in our apartment in paris.

'They have all the power Daveen' Luc was shaking his head at the newspaper mouth open.

'Quoi?' again i wasn't listening it was hard to hear on deck, Especially with the sea air constantly in your ears . Luc was only sat two feet away from me, his hair blowing in the wind like fields of brunette grass, as the sun beamed through passing clouds on this warm summers day.

'Look' he passed me the opened newspaper it read something like.

"Eniac!! The Giant Brain Super Computer to Change the World, is turned on in Maryland, USA, on July 29 1947".

'That's great darling' i said handing the newspaper back.

'AMERICA!! Daveen, they have Everything, Hollywood, White Picket Fences, Computers, Airplanes, The skys the limit.....Right' as he cheesily pointed upwards.

We were 30 years old but love made us feel young, I guess that was the positive of the War, Everyone was so relieved that they became somewhat childish again. I knew, the day i saw Luc in the library that we would always be by each others side, a certain i dont know what was there.

He was shouting at the clerk for charging him a late return fee, and she was refusing his next book request, I swiftly ran over and said "Mademoiselle it is ok" i had been working there about half a year so knew i could handle the situation and if not a flutter of my eyelashes and a giggle would calm him.
'Un problem Monsieur?'
'Oui! un problem, je suis un book le charge e.t.c.' said Luc.
'Ah oui, no problem Monsieur our mistake'

"Daveen! Really!" Strong sharp eyes were burning into the right side of my face from the other librarian, as she stood there talking in a coughed voice, She was a tubby woman with witch like features, worn out clothes, and glasses that dangled from her ears like a dirty chandelier, She of course knew what i was upto and walked away shaking her head upwards. I didnt charge him the book fee, but said he would need to wait a while for it to cool off before he came back.

'But I uh dont want to wait i want to come back sooner' said Luc.
'But Why?'
'Because uh i will have asked you out for dinner and uh wont want to keep you waiting" this was delivered with an incredibly cheesy smile.

Turns out Luc had seen me a few times when dropping off his books. Luc had a good job in Paris and wasnt a man of my league, i could tell that just by the quality of his business suit, His slick shiny haircut and his suave attitude, but i guess life just bought us together. I didn't think a year later we would be here?.

Luc tapped My shoulder.

'Here you go Daveen......last taste of home', Luc stood above me like a cowboys silouette in the sunset, holding food instead of guns, i had to raise my hand to my eyebrows to see.
'Good choice!?' i laughed. now would be the day i would have to tell Luc that this daily French delicacy was not for me
'un Problem?'
'Non, i just don't like pan au chocolat that much'
'Really!? ok they have croissants too, i'll get you one" as he started to turn round.
i grabbed his hand.
'No i dont want to change it, a good memory of France will only hurt me in New York'
'Very well my sweet' he walked off to have a cigarette, the sun was losing the battle with the clouds, I started to eat my "Pan oh France" for the last time.

I guess life just bought us together, on that first date he was the perfect gentleman, Of course, he did not keep me waiting, I was actually a little late. He was dressed very similar to his work clothes, Black and white but with his collar undone, Cashually stood outside the restaraunt whistling while he waited to greet me. Although i had only met him a few days ago i was surprisingly not nervous, the excitement of eating out overwhelmed my nerves, he softly grabbed my elbows pulled me in and kissed my cheeks and said, 'Thank goodness you came, you look great' it was the closest we had been since the library, in fact it was the closest i had been to a man since before the war i realised, He had an aura about him, and the smell of his cologne was strong, and got stronger the closer i got, it lured me in, I leaned back out of his grip and said 'Where shall we sit?'.
'What kind of gentleman do you think i am madame' he said boastingly. 'It is all taken care of' as he pointed to the most adorable candle lit table for two in the front porch of the restaraunt.
'Outside?' i said as my heart shouted yes.
'it would be a waste of such a beautifull sunset would it not?' Luc said whilst pointing up and throwin me a warm wink, He beat the waiter to my chair and pulled it out for me, as i sat down i took a second to catch my breath and take in the surroundings, The streets of northern town were lit up in there ushual romantic way with hanging lanterns and there was an orchestral sound of people walking the streets infront of us and bike bells ringing in the distance, We chatted all night long discussing the liberation of Paris and the future, He was charming me with his wit and ambition of wanting more in life. I told him about my art course that i was doing and that i only worked at the library on weekends. He told me of his time in the war working the morse code machines and radars.
'Being alone during the war was hard you know Daveen, so as soon as i saw you i felt compelled to ask you to come and have dinner with me, I had nothing to lose, Only to gain.'
'I am most glad you did Monsieur Luc'
'Did you notice, uh, I kept taking out the same kind of books in the library' He said softly.
I put my glass of white wine down on the table and leant forward and kissed his cheek and said 'i do now'.
'Some more wine please sir' luc turned and clicked to the waiter. I was going to discuss my secreterial time in the war but stopped and let luc do all the talking, my kiss had certainly changed the pace and volume of his entertaining, I was having such a lovely evening listening to his stories, his cologne flying from his collar to my synuses and the wine trickling down my throat like a waterfall of diamonds, I wanted him to stop talking and just take me back to his apartment. this thought would not leave my mind whilst i stared at him twirling my blonde hair as he weaved his pasta in his spoon. The candle carried on melting away succesfully like the yellow cupid soldier of the night that it was. It was a memorable night. Luc walked me home. I will never forget that restaraunt, That night I slept with the biggest smile on my fa....

Tap.

'Come Daveen let's go inside it's getting grey out here it could rain.
'Why don't we just go to the undercover promenade?
'Non Daveen, I want to swim and then rest, We may not get the chance in New York.
'He was right we proably wouldn't'
That night i swam in Luc's eyes for the duration of the dinner, and pretended i was there in that little italian restaurant again getting to know the man i would eventually marry, we had sold everything we had to do this move, as scary as it was i felt comfort in Lucs confidence. What a man...my man.

i spent the whole night cuddling and kissing him in our cabin.






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Comments by other Members



nezelette at 12:45 on 30 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Ed,

Is this the exact same extract I commented on yesterday or have you made changes? I tried to spot them but couldn't see anything obvious. Can you point out what theyt are?
Thanks for commenting on my piece. The more you comment on people's pieces, the more likely they are to take a good look at yours!

Nancy

Warner at 12:57 on 30 May 2009  Report this post
yeah just rewrote the dinner apart from that all the same

hope to finish writing day six tonight

pwhybrow at 17:06 on 01 June 2009  Report this post
Hi Ed

I have been a little busy to read lately but had a spare hour today and saw this. This is a good descriptive piece and I quite enjoyed it. I saw from your earlier intro that you arent really looking for punctuation or editing advice and I am the last person to give it.

The candle carried on melting away succesfully like the yellow cupid soldier of the night that it was.


Very much like that, you have a nice style here and I am sure that the guys here will help you all they can to get it together,; they certainly have with me.

Peter

The Bar Stward at 22:26 on 01 June 2009  Report this post
I've gone through some of your work and made some changes to highlight some of the areas where you are going wrong with your grammar. I'm not exactly great when it comes to precise grammar but I have corrected where some capitals should and shouldn't be and swapped some comas for full stops.

Some Days, I Missed Paris.

Some Days, I Missed my Family.

Some Days, There were still planes flying over from the war that would dip there wings if people waved.

Today I chose a different place to sit, somewhere I could stare at such things like the Funnels and the Captain's deck. I started to feel very grateful that I’d lived through the war for this day to happen. Mans invention, the engine, put a little fuel in, get a little adventure in, out, in, out, in, I sang to myself. Trying to pass the time was difficult for me as I couldn’t swim or play tennis. Some passing people were giggling, at me I think. They must have caught me singing. Luc was with me, leaning back in his deck chair, legs crossed, reading a newspaper. On the back page I could see some football story but I couldn't tell what it was about. I could speak English but I couldn’t yet read it. I was hoping I would pick it up at work in New York, after all, we had our ‘Learn English’ book that Luc treated as the Bible.

'This is my future!! This is our future!! Daveen!! The war is over!!' I remember him saying dancing around in our apartment in Paris.

'They have all the power Daveen' Luc was shaking his head at the newspaper mouth open.

'Quoi?' again I wasn't listening. It was hard to hear on deck, especially with the sea air constantly in your ears. Luc was only sat two feet away from me, his hair blowing in the wind like fields of brunette grass, as the sun beamed through passing clouds on this warm summers day.

”Look” he said and passed me the opened newspaper. It read something like:

Eniac!! The giant brain super computer to change the world, is turned on in Maryland, USA, on July 29 1947.

”That's great darling” I said handing the newspaper back.

"AMERICA!! Daveen, they have everything. Hollywood, white picket fences, computers, airplanes, the sky’s the limit.....right?" as he cheerily pointed upwards.

We were 30 years old but love made us feel young, I guess that was the positive of the war, everyone was so relieved that they became somewhat childish again. I knew, the day I saw Luc in the library that we would always be by each others side, a certain I don’t know what was there.

He was shouting at the clerk for charging him a late return fee, and she was refusing his next book request. I swiftly ran over and said "Mademoiselle it is ok" I had been working there about half a year so knew I could handle the situation and if not a flutter of my eyelashes and a giggle would calm him.

”Un problem Monsieur?”

”Oui! un problem, je suis un book le charge e.t.c.” said Luc.

”Ah oui, no problem Monsieur our mistake”

"Daveen! Really!" Strong sharp eyes were burning into the right side of my face from the other librarian, as she stood there talking in a coughed voice. She was a tubby woman with witch like features, worn out clothes, and glasses that dangled from her ears like a dirty chandelier. She of course knew what I was up to and walked away shaking her head upwards. I didn’t charge him the book fee, but said he would need to wait a while for it to cool off before he came back.

”But I uh don’t want to wait I want to come back sooner” said Luc.

”But Why?”

”Because, uh, I will have asked you out for dinner and, uh, won’t want to keep you waiting". This was delivered with an incredibly cheesy smile.

Turns out Luc had seen me a few times when dropping off his books. Luc had a good job in Paris and wasn’t a man of my league. I could tell that just by the quality of his business suit, his slick shiny haircut and his suave attitude, but i guess life just bought us together. I didn't think a year later we would be here.

Luc tapped my shoulder.

”Here you go Daveen......last taste of home”. Luc stood above me like a cowboys silhouette in the sunset, holding food instead of gun. I had to raise my hand to my eyebrows to see.


The Bar Stward at 22:30 on 01 June 2009  Report this post
I see you are spending a lot of time concentrating on your MC relationship. Is this what your main story will be about? I think I have seen hints at other areas you might move into, but I'm unsure.

Eniac!! The Giant Brain Super Computer to Change the World, is turned on in Maryland, USA, on July 29 1947.


Was there a new computer turned on in 1947? Or is this a sci-fi element you will be moving into. I see you wrote that your character says that everyone has a computer in America, where I believe they wouldn't have in the Forties. Perhaps this will be an alternative reality.

I'm interested to know where you are going with your story.


Warner at 10:09 on 02 June 2009  Report this post
yeah cheers buddy.

i did actually go and read all of them after i uploaded and noticed lots of things i hadnt corrected.

i notice things everytime i read it to be honest, so should of just started uploading it to this website now. i will be a lot more patient with chapter 2 when uploading it.

day 6 is written i just need to edit the grammer and i'll upload it later on

i will also re re re upload the other days hopefully to there completion

and no i didnt say everyone had computers im merely pointing out what america has that france didnt have.

im not sure what you mean by MC but yes ive rewritten some things as im starting to understand more and more how i can portray what im hoping to do with the story to the reader aka the peoples charachteristics

The Bar Stward at 19:02 on 02 June 2009  Report this post
im not sure what you mean by MC


It means Main Character

Warner at 20:10 on 02 June 2009  Report this post
its not what my main story is about but getting it right will help with tension as im sure most backs depend on charachteristics

The Bar Stward at 23:02 on 02 June 2009  Report this post
I don’t think you need to drop your background story or all of your MC characteristics in one bulk at the start of your book. I think it works best if you subtly fill the reader in as you go along. Explain enough at the beginning so that we know the jist of your character but then build’em up as the story progresses.


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