Gone Fishing
Posted: 27 May 2009 Word Count: 370 Summary: Flas 1 challenge
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Darkness descends. Lights dance up and down on the promenade like mad red imps at a drunken orgy.
At the end of the promenade, a high sea pounds its fury at the mouth of the dock where anchored boats threaten to leap out and over clanking metal chains.
The stench of oil and fish, like the reek of a teasing banshee, wafts on briny cold air; an ominous stench that catches in Tess’s throat. On her right a cluster of men shriek into the howling wind that shakes masts rattling them like iron teeth about to snap off into broiling water.
Unseen, beyond the dock, a small boat flounders, dipping and swaying its futile and erratic course towards the haven of the dock. She remembers the recent explosion and stream of white smoke, its flare now long extinguished. She weeps as the lifeboat men scramble into their solid dinghy that appears too flimsy for such an endeavour they’re about to face.
She hears its powerful engine roar, the sound weak like an smothered apology to her ears. Now the lifeboat, its bow almost erect, plunges out through the mouth of the dock into a sea that roars with uncontrollable vengeance.
Tess crouches on her haunches, hugging herself, waiting for the futile attempt at rescue to reach its finale. In her mind’s eye, Jon’s boat capsizes, tossing him, his cousin Gary and Uncle Jim out into a sea that will show no mercy for foolish part-time sailors.
Time drips by like the rain dripping down onto her neck as she waits in the darkness. In the near distance, onlookers straddle along the promenade to view and discuss a certain tragedy unfolding before them.
When the lifeboat returns, orange life jackets and helmets of its crew glow an eerie glow. They stop at the slipway’s edge. Ashore, someone throws a rope, and a jeep reverses downwards to tow the lifeboat up onto concrete and safety.
Two men are helped out of the craft, wrapped like silvery beacons. She runs forward. Grabs her husband, Jon, and hugs him tight. She takes hold of her Uncle Jim’s cold, wet hand and squeezes silent, heartfelt grief and sympathy for the loss of his son, Gary.
Comments by other Members
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choille at 12:27 on 27 May 2009
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Very sad. Very long.
Could you excise the excess as an excercise in consiceness[SP?]?
Other wise you shall be shot at dawn.
E.g
When the lifeboat returns, orange life jackets and helmets of its crew glow an eerie glow. They stop at the slipway’s edge. Ashore, someone throws a rope, and a jeep reverses downwards to tow the lifeboat up onto concrete and safety. |
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You could cut the two 'glows' & do away with quite a bit of this & still retain, if not improve the atmosphere.
It's a good excercise in editing.
It has a 'nice' feel, but by editing it it would be sharper I feel.
Cap't Caroline.
<Added>
Sorry - don't know what came over me - not feeling quite myself. Maybe the Canadian knows something after all.
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Prospero at 13:48 on 27 May 2009
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Powerful writing, Jennifer, full of sound and fury capturing the storm and Tess's terror very effectively.
Well done.
Best
John
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tusker at 14:22 on 27 May 2009
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Thanks Caroline.
Yes, I could cut it down but time at present is not on my side.
It came to me and I just wrote it down. It happens too often around here with dire results.
Who's the Canadian?
Jennifer
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tusker at 14:24 on 27 May 2009
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Thanks John. Glad you liked it even though I broke the rules. Again.
Two days ago, we watched our lads practising in the harbour. One is a newphew. Lost count how many times he and his courageous crew have gone out on a call in all weathers.
All of them are volunteers.
Jennifer
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Jubbly at 14:31 on 27 May 2009
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Very vivid writing Jennifer, I could feel the spray of water as I read. A very haunting last line.
J
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Jordan789 at 14:44 on 27 May 2009
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Hey Tusker,
This is a rescue story, and the main character is looking on from somewhere relatively safe. This is a very powerful moment in this woman's life, when she doesn't know the fate of her family. I have a few questions. Where is she looking on from? Also, what is she thinking about? There is a time when she imagines the fate of her family, but then what happens to her thoughts? Do they stop? Does she briefly imagine her life without her husband? How she reacts, even internally, in these situations is what defines her character. Currently, she is, to use one word to describe her: worry, but its more interesting, and probably more accurate, to give her some more complex thoughts.
The scene descriptors are often very powerful and work well to keep the reader in the moment. This one works the best for me, In the near distance, onlookers straddle along the promenade to view and discuss a certain tragedy unfolding before them. |
| Some of the earlier ones describing the raging sea, they are nice, but a bit tedious because we don't yet know what's at stake for the woman and the family.
Jordan
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tusker at 15:41 on 27 May 2009
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Hi Jordan, thanks for your comments.
MC is not looking on. She's in the harbour. She can't watch like the 'ambulance chasers.'
I didn't want to make this a personal story. I saw, as I wrote it, as a film without dialogue.
Her thoughts, I should imagine, are sheer despair as it was her family involved.
When in a terrifying situation, a person doesn't look back on memories of family life. The moment of terrible waiting is all eveloping.
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V`yonne at 17:09 on 27 May 2009
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Sorry you are to be executed, Jennifer - Caroline can be that hard on people! I enjoyed the story
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Bunbry at 18:32 on 27 May 2009
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A great idea Jennifer with some lovely images. For me you have overdone some of the descriptions a little.
For example The stench of oil and fish, like the reek of a teasing banshee, wafts on briny cold air; an ominous stench that catches in Tess’s throat |
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I would have perhaps just said 'The stench of oil and fish catches in Tess's throat.' But that's just me - I write plain remember!!
Nick
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tusker at 06:30 on 28 May 2009
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Thanks Nick.
I overdid the descriptions, I realise. Oh, and the word count.
Jennifer.
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Forbes at 17:10 on 28 May 2009
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Very sad, and atmospheric. It told a tale from end to end. One pick 2 promenades very close together. It stopped me.
A really dramatic one.
Avis
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Jumbo at 18:12 on 28 May 2009
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Jennifer
Powerful and sad; great descriptions and you capture Tess's anguish so well.
Lovely writing, thanks for the read.
All the best
john
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Inspiration at 23:56 on 28 May 2009
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Yes, powerful and sad. I agree. I enjoyed it.
I know this has not been mentioned before, and it's obviously the way i think, and irrelivant LOL but I saw a lot of other words in there...sailors, erect, plunges, mouth, tossing...
I'll get my coat.
XXXInniXXX
<Added>
Sorry, I can't seem to spell tonight!
It is late!
XXXInniXXX
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optimist at 09:42 on 29 May 2009
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I think you capture the scene very well and Tess's desperation - just waiting on the shore and unable to do anything. A very effective tale.
My one minor pick would be the imps and the banshee were a miscue for me - had me thinking Lovecraft horror territory when the perils of the sea are enough? But then I liked the vivid picture of the lights dancing - flickering seaside illuminations that are so incongruous to the tragedy unfolding?
Sarah
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