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A Man in a Box
Posted: 25 May 2009 Word Count: 256 Summary: For this week's challenge. Mind that you don't trip on the second person present tense. And your shoes are untied!
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The two bruisers bind your arms behind your back with those plastic railroad ties that seem so fragile but don’t break for the world. Your legs, too, are tied and wrapped somehow between your legs so if you kick your balls take the punishment of a stampede. And then, because it was Houdini’s thing, they drop you into a potato sack and an old wooden box. You hear grunts, see nothing, and know that they’re carrying you. They feed you into the trunk of a car the way they might feed a chicken carcass to an alligator.
You kick, and you curse. You picture the man responsible, and you curse louder. You see him smiling, posing for a family portrait. You don’t know his family.
“I’m going to kill all of you,” you scream. All you can hear is Greek music. You kick again and feel the rope snap tightly across your genitals. You know that the pain will be bad, but you have to try. The other option is much worse. You kick and hear the wood crack. Again, and the end of the box slaps open like a mouth being punched, feet escaping like a tooth. You kick again, at the roof, anywhere. Nothing happens.
When the car stops you smell the fish-blood smell of the ocean. It sounds like the entire country is murmuring behind your back. The trunk opens. The two men grunt. You imagine the wooden dock, sand worn. Would the box have floated if you hadn’t kicked out the bottom?
Comments by other Members
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V`yonne at 10:04 on 26 May 2009
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Yip, I'm scared! Only trouble is, I want to know what happens next and did he get away and what had he done to the mob? I mean you have a novel here! I want to see the film...
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choille at 10:15 on 27 May 2009
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Horribly gruesome Jordan.
Very vivid - especially like the comparison of a chicken carcass getting fed to an alligator when they feed him into the boot of the car. Or should I say trunk?
For some reason the Greek music playing is especially atmospheric.
Mmmmmmmmm extremely effective.
All the best
Caroline.
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Prospero at 13:53 on 27 May 2009
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Very good, Jordan, shades of 'Kill Bill 2' where they bury the girl alive.
Very effective writing that brings across the whole situation and its terror.
Well done.
Prosp
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Jubbly at 14:37 on 27 May 2009
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Ooh very Sopranos, great stuff and I loved the line about the box not floating, this exercise seems to have produced little flashes that are begging to be something more. That's not to detract from the simple beauty of a perfect flash of course.
J
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Bunbry at 18:42 on 27 May 2009
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I think the box might have floated, so that's a nice little twist Jordan, sealing one's own fate. Well done.
Tiny point, try a comma after 'kick'.
Nick
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Forbes at 12:05 on 28 May 2009
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I liked this Jordan. And a hell of a final line.
I did hear a voice in my head answer that question "Tune in same Bat time, same Bat channel" But it is still a really good piece, even with my unruly thoughts!
Avis
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Jumbo at 18:16 on 28 May 2009
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Nasty!
Just the splash at the end would have done it for me, and I'd be hiding behind the settee!
Nice tight writing. Thanks for the read.
john
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optimist at 09:45 on 29 May 2009
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Yes - very gruesome and a nice - or should that be nasty? - twist at the end.
Sarah
<Added>
Meant to say - I thought the use of second person voice very effective - added another dimension.
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Inspiration at 12:34 on 29 May 2009
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Very good, and I thought I wasn't going to like the second person POV.
Great ending!
XXXInniXXX
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