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by Bishti 

Posted: 17 May 2009
Word Count: 79

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The warm air lies flat on the dusk
as the sun pulls the last coral plume,
to a secret place
beyond the screen of impending darkness.

A startled blackbird screeches for safety,
in a shroud, dull jade
quiet, at rest.

across the low-growing ground,
the soft slimy creatures of the night
explore in the fading light,

the fleeting illusion of a ghostly bat
as midges diffuse,

in the subtle smoke,
there is no conquest.

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Comments by other Members

V`yonne at 11:41 on 17 May 2009  Report this post
I love the pace of stanzas 1-3. They match the subject matter perfectly for me. I can fell the slow burn of the sunset and the startled bird and the creepy crawlies emerging.

I'd lose the ? from this. It works well without it.
midges diffuse
and rule,
but not in the land of subtle smoke.

I like 'diffuse' but it seems at odds with rule. And I thought the last line loses power by being something negative.

Bishti at 16:17 on 17 May 2009  Report this post
Thanks Yvonne I really appreciate your comments and have made some changes

I have altered the negative ending, it relates to a cigarette, so didn't want to make it positive. (don't smoke myself)

V`yonne at 16:31 on 22 May 2009  Report this post
Ah, that's much better but I don't think people would automatically get the connotation. How about Smoking Outside as a title? Then how about sending it to EDP?

Bishti at 19:31 on 22 May 2009  Report this post
Thanks Yvonne,
I will change the title to Smoking Outside; what's EDP?

V`yonne at 19:34 on 22 May 2009  Report this post
www.everydaypoets.com - let's just say you know the editor ;

Bishti at 22:20 on 22 May 2009  Report this post
Thanks Yvonne,
I should have realised.
EDP have accepted a poem of mine recently called Planet Cat

V`yonne at 23:32 on 22 May 2009  Report this post
Yes, that was me

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