Victoria
Posted: 11 May 2009 Word Count: 420 Summary: I am working on a children's story and trying different openings
|
Font Size
|
|
Molly’s earliest memories of visiting great Aunty Doris, was a strange house standing in the corner of an attic room. Molly had been allowed to explore the old rambling Victorian house. She felt like one of the children from the ‘Narnia’ stories although she never discovered a huge wardrobe.
It was one wet damp day, Molly had to remain indoors, the grown-ups had settled in the drawing room after lunch with various things grown-ups do. Molly slipped out of the room unnoticed and decided to explore the attic. Molly had been told to go no further than the first landing but she was bored with those rooms and there was only so many time she could use the dress-up box; she found herself placing a tentative foot on the first stair leading to the second floor. Molly glanced over the banister to see if the hall was empty; she listened to the low murmur of voices coming from the drawing room content that no one else was around she climbed the stairs.
On the second landing there were five doors, two of which were open slightly. Molly glanced inside the room at one end of the small landing; it was full of boxes of various shapes and sizes. The door opposite this room was also open; this one was full of blankets, curtains and shelves of books all gathering dust.
Molly was beginning to think the attic held no exciting secret, she was about to return down stairs when she heard a noise from the far end of the landing. Reaching the door where she imagined the noise had come from, she heard it again. She put her hand on the handle and turned it very slowly.
‘I’ve been waiting for you,’ said a young girl in the prettiest dress Molly had ever seen.
The young girl was sitting next to a dollhouse, the contents was placed around her and in her hand were several miniature dolls which Molly presumed lived in the house.
‘Who are you?’ asked Molly.
‘Victoria.’
‘What are you doing here?’ enquired Molly.
‘I live here. I’ve always lived here.’
‘My great aunt never mentioned you.’
‘That is because she doesn’t know, not really.’
Molly was a reasonably bright girl for a nine year old and it didn’t take her long to realise that Victoria was not a real girl. Molly would say nothing, it would be her secret and she would have someone to play with. Molly smiled at Victoria and sat down beside her.
Comments by other Members
| |
SJ Williamson at 18:08 on 12 May 2009
Report this post
|
Evening Laurence!
This sounds as if it could be really magical. I like where it's going!
I could picture Molly climbing the stairs and making her way across the landing. You paint the picture nicely.
I can't help you with grammar or spelling, but there was just one quibble I had with the first line.
was a strange house standing in the corner of an attic room. |
|
I had to read it twice to work out how a "strange house" could fit in an attic! I wondered what may be happing here. Would it be possible to say it was a strange doll's house standing in the corner?
I think it could be a good story.
SJx
| |
Laurence at 19:29 on 12 May 2009
Report this post
|
Thanks SJ
Your quite right it is a doll's house.
I'm thinking of having several children in the house that Molly begins to see. Haven't decided if something happened to these children and they are therefore trapped in a time warp.
I also thought Molly might be the vehicle of helping them to the otherside? Stil in the early stages.
Laurence
| |
SJ Williamson at 20:03 on 12 May 2009
Report this post
|
Some lovely ideas. I really like things like this, and I'm sure it's a great subject for children, especially of an age where they don't scare so easily!
SJx
| |
SusieL at 08:26 on 13 May 2009
Report this post
|
Hi - I agree with SJ about clarifying the house in the first sentence. Love the ideas you've got for this story. Looking forward to seeing where you go with it!
Molly was a reasonably bright girl for a nine year old and it didn’t take her long to realise that Victoria was not a real girl. |
|
Did wonder if this sentence could be a little more positive - you know, something like, 'Molly was a bright nine year old and she quickly realised...' etc. Just a suggestion though - feel free to ignore it!
All the best with this.
SusieL
| |
Issy at 10:08 on 13 May 2009
Report this post
|
I very much like the concept of the story and the idea of children popping up at odd corners and talking to Molly, and that something happened to them which your mc will uncover in an exciting way.
I also like that you get on with the story, instead of a lot of scene setting and stuff about the adults - that they are just got out of the way.
And we know that Molly has an inquisitive nature and is not totally "good" which has an appeal.
I was rather hesitant about the beginning lines - early days I know as you are trying out different openings. "Molly’s earliest memories of visiting great Aunty Doris..." does tend to suggest that Molly is much older, and looking back remembering, whereas for this age group (am assuming about 6 or7 )the child reader (or read-to) relates more to someone their own age and the immediate past or present.(If it is important that Molly makes sense of the happenings as she is older, I think it would be wise to have that towards the end.)
Reading on in the first sentence, I think the various references to the two houses are a little confusing and it may be better to hone in on one or other of them with the suggestion that this is exciting and unusual.
For this age group, publishers (and readers) like to go for a simple sentence construction mainly - with not too many clauses. An example is "Molly glanced over the banister to see if the hall was empty; she listened to the low murmur of voices coming from the drawing room content that no one else was around she climbed the stairs." This should ideally be split into several shorter sentences.
There are a number of repetitions of words within a short space - lots of "had"s "glimpsed" too and I did find a couple of places where the verb should have been "were" instead of "was" which interrupted the flow. Examples are:
"Molly’s earliest memories of visiting great Aunty Doris, was a strange house standing in the corner of an attic room." In this sentence "memories" is the subject so the verb takes the plural form ie "were".
"...there was only so many time she could use the dress-up box;" This would read better as "...there were only so many times..." making both subject and verb in the plural, as the phrase "so many times" needs to be plural because of the "many" if that makes sense.
So lots of good ideas, some tidying up of the language and editing and this could be the opening you are looking for - but by all means, do post alternatives that you are trying out if you would like more comments.
And welcome to the group.
| |
NMott at 11:11 on 13 May 2009
Report this post
|
A good start. With the simple prose style and short sentence structure I would pitch it at 5-7yr olds, so it should have a fairly straight forward plot and simple vocabulary to suit.
I don't think the memory in the opening paragraph works. Maybe have a short character sketch of Aunt Doris and the old house from Molly's perspective instead, as she arrives for her first visit.
- NaomiM
| |
Issy at 11:56 on 13 May 2009
Report this post
|
Yes, that's a good suggestion, Naomi. Perhaps something like: "Aunty Doris lived in a strange old rambling house. Molly was allowed to explore, but not beyond the first floor. She wasn't to go into the attic."
... so the reader knows immediately that she is going to go into the attic.
| |
Laurence at 17:55 on 13 May 2009
Report this post
|
Hi Issy
Thanks for your observations. I shall certainly take them on board. This is my first serious venture into children's books. I know it is not easy but with such support it has spurred me on. Unfortunately work requirements keep getting in the way.
Wasn't sure which age range to aim the story at - but I take the point about Molly's earliest memories.
Laurence
| |
Laurence at 17:56 on 13 May 2009
Report this post
|
Thanks Naomi
I think I will need a lot of help writing for such a young age group. I shall start the redrfat and further developemnt of the story and hope for plenty of guidance.
Laurence
| |
Freebird at 18:27 on 13 May 2009
Report this post
|
A good start - this is the kind of story children like, I think - it has a timeless quality. one thing I might suggest is that you could 'home in' on Molly's point of view, and try to describe everything that is happening as she is experiencing it.
e.g instead of "Molly was a reasonably bright girl for a nine year old",
you could have something like "Molly thought for a moment. Why didn't Great Aunty Doris know about Victoria? Then it dawned on her; Victoria wasn't a real girl!"
look forward to seeing how it develops
freebird
| |
mafunyane at 00:06 on 14 May 2009
Report this post
|
Laurence,
Interesting stuff! You've already had lots of comments so I'll try to keep mine brief.
I agree that you could remove the 'memory' aspect of the opening unless there is some great reason to have it there. And start instead with the second paragraph. Like Issy, I'm impressed you get into the story so quickly - this change would make it evern quicker! ;
one thing I might suggest is that you could 'home in' on Molly's point of view, and try to describe everything that is happening as she is experiencing it.
|
|
Like Freebird above, I also wondered about the point of view. You could keep it a little distanced from Molly but I think at the moment it is a bit of a mixture of the two. So sometimes you say things as if she might be saying or thinking them, like this:
... and other times you say things as if an adult is describing what is happening, like this:
Molly was a reasonably bright girl for a nine year old
|
|
It would be great to settle on one approach or the other.
I hope I haven't added too much to your redrafting list - I do like the instant intrigue, the timeless story and the light delivery. Good luck with the next stage!
Anna
| |
Laurence at 09:03 on 14 May 2009
Report this post
|
Thanks Anna
The more suggestions the better. It is much harder writing for young children than I first imagined.
I need to avoid adult phrasing.
Commencing with second paragraph is a good idea.
Laurence
| |
| |