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Don`t play with me! Chapter two

by freynolds 

Posted: 01 May 2009
Word Count: 455
Summary: Chapter II – Croft Farm, October 2007


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As Pierre was leaving The Bostal, a fire started at Croft Farm.

It was two in the morning when an anonymous 999 call reported the fire. At two ten, the fire brigade in Steyning set off towards Croft Farm. Six minutes later, the first engine reached the spot in a cacophony of sirens and screeching tyres. It woke every single household in the quiet road on the way. The fire was raging by now, smoke travelling thickly around the old barn with sleek flames dancing a frenzied waltz.

Pierre reached Chichester oblivious to the chaotic scene that was taking place so close to where he had come from, less than an hour ago.

The second fire engine to arrive on the site of the fire came from Worthing. It reached the farm at a crucial time as the team on site was struggling to keep the flames at bay. With the extra resources and hands, the fire was eventually put out and all that remained of the barn was a pile of blackened stumps that scented the scene with an un-aromatic flavour. Fortunately for farmer Jenkins, the grain had been sold and the barn had been empty save for a few empty sacks. With the insurance money Peter Jenkins might be able to get a new storage building, something he had wanted for some time but had kept putting off because of the costs involved. Standing in his pyjamas, farmer Jenkins thought that destiny had dealt him a good hand, for once. He did not yet elaborate on the fact that the insurance company may deem the incident an act of arson and therefore refuse any compensation. At this stage, all his greedy brain could focus on was the prospect of a new building.

It was difficult at this stage to isolate what may have started the fire but the 999 call echoed of suspicious endeavours. The fire brigade woke the inhabitants of Croft Farm up, and it seemed to rule out any possibility of foul play from the Jenkins family.

Taking a sip from his glass of wine at The White Horse, Gianni da Mosto read the article in The Steyning Herald one more time.
‘Perfetto!’, he thought ‘all has gone according to plan.’
He winked at the young waitress as she walked past his table; something Italian men are reputedly too inclined to do. Natalie did not mind. Gianni had been very generous with the tip. Gianni was not remotely interested in Natalie. He finished his glass of wine, walked back to the rental car, and drove off to Brighton for an evening of fun. The gay capital of England awaited him and he deserved a treat. He had done a fantastic job!







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Comments by other Members



fbtoast at 21:35 on 01 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Fabienne

Well the plot is thickening nicely! Gay Italian arsonists, mysterious murderous French men, avaricious English farmers, there are so many potential plot lines here, you definitely want to know how or if it is going to all tie up!

Looking forward to more.

Nicole

Mand245 at 06:13 on 02 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Fabienne

I agree with Nicole, the plot is really shaping up - plenty of hooks to keep the reader interested!

For some reason the guidelines don't say what sort of comments you'd like, but I take you for a "Go on, I can take it" kind of girl and will comment accordingly (apologies if I'm wrong)!

As Pierre was leaving The Bostal, a fire started at Croft Farm.


As, at the end of the last chapter, we learned that there was going to be a fire, I wonder if this first line is necessary. I feel it would be more dramatic to start with: It was two in the morning...

The fire was raging by now,


'by now' sounds present tense. 'by then' or, perhaps even better would be: The fire was already raging,

The second fire engine to arrive on the site of the fire came from Worthing.

...arrive at the site of the fire... (or) ...to arrive on the scene came...


Fortunately for farmer Jenkins,

Farmer Jenkins or ... for the farmer, Jenkins... I prefer the latter. To me Farmer Jenkins sounds like a character from a children's show like Windy Miller or Postman Pat!

Standing in his pyjamas, farmer Jenkins thought

pyjamas, the farmer thought, (or) pyjamas, Jenkins thought

He did not yet elaborate on the fact that the insurance company

He did not consider that the insurance (Or, He had not yet considered)

the 999 call echoed of suspicious endeavours.

This doesn't sound quite right to me. I'd suggest: the 999 call suggested foul play


‘Perfetto!’, he thought ‘all has


comma after thought


Great stuff. Gianni is a character I definitely want to meet again! Intriguing! Hope you don't keep us waiting too long for the next installment!

Mand





nezelette at 19:44 on 02 May 2009  Report this post
Very good, Fabienne, it's really entertaining and I definitely want to know more! I'd like to find out more about the characters encountered so far. I like the factual writing style. It reads a bit like a police report and seems appropriate to the genre.

At this stage, all his greedy brain could focus on was the prospect of a new building.

It was difficult at this stage to isolate what may have started the fire


I would remove one of the "at the stage" here to avoid repetition.

Nancy

AdeAdler at 02:28 on 04 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Fabienne,

I love the pace of this piece. It raced me along and I was really getting into it. Just my cup of coffee.

"his greedy brain..." - terrific!

I think high-functioning psychopaths are terrific dramatic characters. I liked Highsmith's Ripley and this character has a similar exciting-disturbing appeal. Definitely want to read more of this.

Ade

freynolds at 09:18 on 04 May 2009  Report this post
Thanks everyone for commenting on this, much appreciated.

Mand, I'm glad you suggested removing the first sentence. I put it in, then removed it, then put it back in and thought; 'Let's see what the guys on WW think' Now I got my answer and will remove it.

Thanks for the other suggestions too from everybody. I have written chapter 3 but I am treading carefully with this as these are the key chapters to keep the momentum going, so I need to revisit before posting as I can't have any inconsistencies or errors...

I'm now off to do a bit of catching up on the latest works uploaded. Mand, your latest download is no longer on the list of works. Did you archive it? I didn't get a chance to read it...

Fabienne

Mand245 at 09:24 on 04 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Fabienne

I had second thoughts and consigned it to the bin rather than the archive! It was just a bit of nonsense and it wasn't really me so I deleted it!

Mand

Jane Elmor at 16:40 on 04 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Fabienne -

I've been catching up on chaps 1 and 2 of this - intriguing! (The Chanel No 5 was a nice touch in the first scene!) I too really like the style Nezelette mentioned - I think it's telling the story really effectively. Somehow you give us a good idea of these characters without going into big descriptions of them, which is impressive! I really want to know what's going on!

I'd agree with Mand (and you!) that the first line here can go. I also thought 'Farmer Jenkins' sounded a bit odd. Especially after the first time you mention him - it sounded repetitive. I think just 'Jenkins' would do, and 'he' one of the times.
I only have a couple of nitpicks -

an un-aromatic flavour

This jumped out at me. One, 'un-aromatic' doesn't sound right; I think if you describe a smell you shouldn't say it doesn't have one! Do you mean that it doesn't smell nice? And two, a 'flavour' isn't a smell!

the barn had been empty save for a few empty sacks

Just repetition of empty.

Told you they were nitpicks!
All the best, Jx

The Bar Stward at 14:31 on 18 May 2009  Report this post
I read back over chapter 1 again after I read this. I like the way this is heading. I sense you have lots of characters doing their own thing, who will soon become intertwined with each other, a bit like Snatch, or Lock Stock, where there are several storylines that play along their own path throughout the movie, and then all come together in a big pay off.

The chapters are a little short, I would like to read more. These feel like short tasters, tease scenes, to get us hooked. Very good. You've got a good sense of story telling and structuring. Now I want to know more about the characters.

Why did Pierre kill his wife?

Why did Gianni burn down the farm?

How is it all connected?



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