|
|
 |
Opportunities
Posted: 28 April 2009
Word Count: 47
|
Font Size
|
|
There’s a star
in the sky
with a tear in it’s eye.
It’s burning ambition
is so wasted.
Never been tasted.
Just too far away
to change the tide,
to obtain some pride.
It sits in isolation
hoping for a spark
to get out of the dark.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 Felicity F at 15:29 on 28 April 2009
 Report this post
|
Hi Stephen,
this is an endearingly sad poem that because of its clear and uncomplicated words and verse makes the sentiment even more appealing.
There is a yearning to be something more,to be discovered and achieve that 'burning ambition'.The third verse seems to resign to the inevitability of this never happening though as the star is 'too far away'
But the last verse implies that it is not the end,as it sits and waits,hoping for that 'spark',of maybe inspiration,or the start of something that will propel it out its orbit as it were and thus bring it within range of what it hopes to do.
Felicity.
| |
freynolds at 18:21 on 28 April 2009
Report this post
|
Hi Stephen,
I agree with Felicity this is a lovely little poem. There is one verse I would question and perhaps you can clarify for me?
Does it refer to the star or to the tear? If you wanted to refer to the star, had you considered the use of spotted instead?
I had a look at your website today, you keep really busy!
Best wishes
Fabienne
PS: I like your nickname Hailfabio!
| |
 FelixBenson at 12:30 on 29 April 2009
Report this post
|
I like this tightly constructed and sad poem.
Beautifully put together, I especially like these lines...
Just too far away
to change the tide, |
|
is a really effective way to convey that sense of trying to reach out, but failing.
| |
 James Graham at 14:10 on 29 April 2009
Report this post
|
I too like this poem. Your personified star is more than a touch surreal, having ‘a tear in its eye’ and a longing ‘to get out of the dark’. This ‘pathetic fallacy’ - our habit of describing inanimate things as if they had feelings - is sometimes said to be risky in a poem, something that doesn’t always work. That’s as may be, but I’ve often found that it works well, as it does here. It works because it’s clearly not only about a star, but is a very human poem. The star represents our feelings of frustration and disappointment at wishes not fulfilled, ambitions not realised, and hopes deferred.
Kirsty has picked out these lines, and they stand out for me too:
Just too far away
to change the tide |
|
- too far away to have the immense power that the Moon has. In human terms, the word ‘tide’ has so many connotations. When things personal or in the world at large seem to be going the wrong way, we wish for the tide to turn. Even in personal matters we sometimes feel ‘too far away’, too powerless, to make change happen. These lines resonate. I’d go further and say they’re memorable; I think they could easily stick in the reader’s memory and be recalled in certain contexts, because they apply to so many situations in which we feel helpless.
I’d suggest changing ‘obtain’ to ‘acquire’ because ‘obtain’ is more to do with getting possession of a thing rather than a feeling. ‘Never been tasted’ doesn’t bother me - I didn’t think it referred to the tear. Good poem - one of your best.
James.
|
|
| |
hailfabio at 12:54 on 07 May 2009
Report this post
|
Thanks for the kind comments. Glad this was well recieved. I've been struggling to write lately, so decide to try to go back to basics and write about things I can relate to, it seemed to work.
The line 'never been tasted' I basically chose to keep the rhyming pattern, but I was referring to the star's ambition, of never having tasted success or the feeling of fulfilling it's burning potential, making a break through - that kind of thing.
I did want a positive spin at the end, as the start of the poem is sad and bleak, and I wanted to be about opportunism, and never letting go of hope even during your darkest days. Did I manage to do that?
Thanks for the feedback,
Fabienne - glad you like my site, I try to update it as much as I can.
Stephen
| |
freynolds at 16:47 on 07 May 2009
Report this post
|
Hi Stephen,
I can see the hope at the end albeit very faint. I'm not sure if it needs to be a little stronger, the poem works for me. Perhaps substituting "hoping" with "wishing" or even "hopeful" would make the hoping stronger... and perhaps too strong.
Fabienne
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
