The lament of a lost queen
Posted: 28 April 2009
Word Count: 76
Summary: This is a very rough short poem I wrote this morning. I thought I'd post something as we are quite quiet at the moment... critiques, please.
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I am she,
Pharaoh queen and lover
Forever entwined to my Nile.
Above the remnants of my empire
I see that my present,
my needles, have gone
where once stood proud
others have crumbled.
I err upon a lost kingdom
tears of blood
falling on my beloved land.
What did they do to my story?
I travelled in my own tapestry
dining on pearls
and sweet wines
I kissed a snake, they say,
One too many
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Comments by other Members
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 Felicity F at 15:11 on 28 April 2009
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Hello Fabienne,
I loved the first verse of this poem and the lamenting feel in general.The first line sets the tone very well,in that it makes a statement and gives an imperious and proud quality that is appropriate to the subject,whom I presume is Cleopatra.
Although it is a short poem,I think that you could go further with this.The last lines are good,with a sense of regret and you evoke the disharmony between the present and past well.Still,I felt it ended too soon! write more...as it is something to work with.
Sometimes I write one verse of a poem,and think I will leave it as it is.Then I go back and if I like the subject and there is more to be said I add more on.
There is also a sense in the last lines that She is an observer of her own history as the word 'they' is used.
A good short poem.
Felicity.
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freynolds at 16:13 on 28 April 2009
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Hi Felicity,
Thank you for commenting. Yes, it is Cleopatra and I voluntarily omitted adding her name to see if there was enough for people to know.
She is one of two Egyptian queens whose death is shrouded in mystery, the other one being Hapshesut. I have always been fascinated by Egyptian history, it is almost like being haunted. I saw Cleopatra's needle and touched it (I know it is not allowed but somehow I felt she wouldn't mind).
I thought about writing more and I was not sure. I am one of these people that in the past tended to write rather long pieces of poetry. Since joining this group, I have learnt and tried to keep it to the essential. Perhaps I just increase the verses or perhaps write a series of mini poems around the Egyptian theme.
I am glad you liked it as I wrote it so quickly.
Best wishes
Fabienne
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 Mand245 at 08:59 on 29 April 2009
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Hi Fabienne
I was just taking a sneaky look at what fellow group members did when they took off their Beginners Group hat, and I came across this!
I don't read much poety (probably because I'm lazy and I always feel that poetry demands so much more input from its reader than other forms of the written word)so I'm not qualified to comment properly, but I just had to say something because this was so evocative and I really loved it!
I kissed a snake, they say,
One too many |
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I thought this was absolutely inspired! I guess the asp was the only snake in her life that didn't pretend to be something else!
Fabulous!
Mand
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freynolds at 09:52 on 29 April 2009
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Thank you Mand! It's is nice to have visitors from the good beginners group.
I am glad you liked this and yes, you guessed right, the asp was the real snake.
Perhaps another challenge for the beginners group... let's write a poem together where everyone writes a single line. Not sure it would be to everyone's taste though.
Fabienne
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 FelixBenson at 12:11 on 29 April 2009
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Hi Fabienne
It is a very interesting idea to use Cleopatra's voice to lament the changes since her death. If you do make this poem longer then maybe building more in about the mystery of her death (if that is what you want her to lament?) would be good. The only bit I think you don't need is the second line because "Pharaoh queen and lover" and the final line together, would make most people sure the voice was Cleopatra, so possibly you don't need the line line: "Mother and daughter of the Nile." ?
I really, really like the final line - very wry.
I wondered about Cleopatra's needle reference. I may have got this totally wrong, but I thought that this referred to the obelisks? I think there are three, not just one. Or is this something else entirely? I have been to Eygpt, but I am no expert on the history. Was absolutely fascinating, absolutely one of my favourite holidays...I can certainly see why it might be a subject that would get you writing.
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freynolds at 13:06 on 29 April 2009
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Hi Kirsty,
You know you got me thinking. I touched the obelisk when in Karnak and after reading the above I got confused. I know there is one in NY, one in London and one in Paris but the twin to the Paris one is supposedly still in Egypt according to some sources, although the whole history regarding the Needles is very confusing.
There is an obelisk that still stands at Karnak, one of the four erected by queen Hapshesut, which makes me think that this was perhaps the one I saw.
Perhaps I'll revisit the poem and edit accordingly. According to some sources, even the Cleopatra's needles were already 150 years old by the time she was born. How disappointing!
Thanks!
Fabienne
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FelixBenson at 16:31 on 29 April 2009
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Sorry Fabienne! I am sure you will have enough material from the Cloepatra story to make a good poem though.
I'm trying to remember whether I saw this on my trip to Karnak. I must have done. I must go back, Karnak was amazing.
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 James Graham at 19:07 on 02 May 2009
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When a subject like this comes up, you’ve got to google. I knew she was the last Pharaoh but didn’t know she was Cleopatra VII. This is a good subject, potentially a great one, but I think it needs expanding. The aim perhaps would be to make ‘What did they do to my story?’ your starting point (though not necessarily the first line) and use Cleopatra’s voice to bring out some of the realities of her life as opposed to the legends. It might be interesting to research the life of Cleopatra - that is, if you need to research! - hunting for details that modern readers would respond to, or be surprised or shocked by. You could probably keep much of the poem as it stands, but develop it with snippets of her life - the kind of things you imagine she would want to tell us. She must have been an extraordinary woman; your poem could convey that, in her own voice.
The last lines are brilliant - I suppose there had been quite a lot of ‘snakes’ in her life. I’m not sure about ‘they say’, which suggests the manner of her death is part of the legend, whereas - from what I can discover - it’s probably true that she died from the bite of an asp. Whether it was an accident or suicide, seems to be uncertain. So maybe these lines should read, ‘It’s true, I kissed a snake,/ one too many’.
This really deserves to be developed into a longer poem...30 lines or more?
James.
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freynolds at 19:40 on 04 May 2009
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Thank you James for your valuable comments. I like your suggestion for the last lines very much!
I'll take your advice and make it into a more inquisitive insight into Cleopatra's life and mysteries. I think she deserves the attention, You are right, she was a formidable woman.
Fabienne
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