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The Old Vicarage
Posted: 26 April 2009 Word Count: 328 Summary: Extract from work in progress
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In the darkest recess of the parlour where the light barely reached, sat a figure. At first it was difficult to make her out since she blended so well with the blackness. At regular intervals she would turn and stare hard at me with eyes as blue as cornflowers. We had moved into the old vicarage last September. The price was excellent. The previous occupant wanted a quick sale. We subsequently discovered it had been on the market for years. This was to be our first home; Jane and I were so excited. At first I thought I imagined the figure but as the weeks passed into months, there she sat. I said nothing to Jane at first but one evening I broached the topic with her. ‘Do you sense a presence in the room?’ ‘Don’t be silly.’ replied Jane. ‘Do you notice someone sitting in the far corner?’ I insisted. I got up to walk across to the figure but halted as the woman looked at me and shook her head. ‘There’s no one there.’ said Jane smiling. I stood staring at the woman for a moment. ‘Perhaps you are under too much strain at work.’ replied Jane showing some concern. ‘I’m not under any strain at all but I ….’ I stopped as the figure for the first time stood up and appeared to be walking towards me. ‘Look….look there she is…..’ I shouted. Jane looked frightened with this sudden outburst. She held her hand across her mouth stifling a scream. I was shaking uncontrollably and clutching my chest; the pain was excruciating. The next minute I was on the floor with Jane bending over me in hysterics. Behind her stood the old lady staring into my eyes and smiling. Weeks later I was released from hospital; paralysed down one side and the loss of speech. I sit in the corner of the room where the light barely reaches. I am she and she is me.
Comments by other Members
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nezelette at 21:46 on 26 April 2009
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Oh, Laurence, this has chilled me to the bones!
What a cracking twist! That could stand alone as a piece of flash fiction, in fact.
Can I suggest a few corrections(manily comas), knowing Mand will be here before long to pick the rest of your nits (he he!)(she never misses one!)(Mand you should get paid by WW, btw, you're so good at it!)
In the darkest recess of the parlour where the light barely reached, sat a figure. |
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In the darkest recess of the parlour, where the light...
At first it was difficult to make her out since she blended so well with the blackness |
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At first, it was difficult to make her out, since she blended...
At first I thought I imagined the figure but as the weeks passed into months, there she sat. |
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At first, I thought I was imagining (or had imagined?) the figure but, as the weeks passed into months, there she sat.
I said nothing to Jane at first but one evening I broached the topic with her. |
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I thought the "at first" was a little repetitive as this one is the third in a few lines...
‘Perhaps you are under too much strain at work.’ replied Jane showing some concern. |
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‘Perhaps you are under too much strain at work,’ replied Jane, showing some concern.
Also, I personally would do away with the "showing some concern", as it is kind of shown through what she is saying anyway.
I stopped as the figure for the first time stood up |
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I stopped, as the figure stood up for the first time...
that made me wonder if she was laughing, but that might just be my ignorance of the English language showing here...
paralysed down one side and the loss of speech. |
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paralysed down one side and with loss of speech? or having lost the ability to speak? (not sure!)
I love the last line. It's brilliant! I'm a bit scared now, I'm going to have to go and read something nice and fulffy before I go to bed (one of my kids' books?)
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Laurence at 21:55 on 26 April 2009
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Thanks for reading the work and offering some very helpful comments.
Laurence
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SJ Williamson at 05:37 on 27 April 2009
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Morning Laurence!
Wow ... that's a brilliantly spine tingling start to my day. I agree with Nancy that it could be an excellent Flash piece.
Being grammatically challenged, I can't comment on the technical issues, but I thought the content was stirring.
One thing I did wonder. The dialogue at the beginning was very informal, and just how a couple would talk to one-another, however this line
‘Perhaps you are under too much strain at work.’ replied Jane showing some concern. |
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seemed a bit formal? It jumped out at me for some reason - I may be wrong here but I wondered if something like 'Are you overdoing it at work?' would suffice?
Anyway ... great to have you onboard, and looking forward to reading more.
SJ
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Mand245 at 06:23 on 27 April 2009
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Morning Laurence
A great tale with a dramatic and definitely chilling twist. I loved it!
You say this is an extract. I'd be interested to know your plans for it because I agree with the others, this stands up very well as a piece of flash fiction. (hark at me - I'd never heard of flash until I joined this site!).
Nezelette has picked up most of what I would have pointed out so my apologies if I repeat anything that's been mentioned already.
‘Don’t be silly.’ replied Jane. |
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comma rather than a full stop after "silly,"
‘There’s no one there.’ said Jane smiling. |
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comma rather than a full stop after "there,"
‘Perhaps you are under too much strain at work.’ replied Jane showing some concern. |
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comma rather than a full stop after "work,"
‘I’m not under any strain at all but I ….’ I stopped as the figure for the first time stood up and appeared to be walking towards me. ‘Look….look there she is…..’ I shouted. |
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you don't need to add a full stop after an ellipse
Jane looked frightened with this sudden outburst. |
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frightened at this sudden...
paralysed down one side and the loss of speech. |
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and having lost the ability to speak (?)
I sit in the corner of the room where the light barely reaches. I am she and she is me. |
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Terrific last line! Look forward to reading more!
Mand
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wyf of bath at 07:45 on 27 April 2009
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hi laurence
the others have picked the perfect decription for this piece 'chilling'. i dont know what i was expecting to read but it wasnt this! you have managed to find the perfect pitch between reality and the supernatural without being over the top. i enjoyed it very much and am now off to see what else you have written.
judith
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freynolds at 08:24 on 27 April 2009
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Hi Laurence,
I agree with the others, this is really gripping and the last line is delivered superbly! Is this perhaps the first chapter in the book? If yes, then it is certainly a page turner.
Fabienne
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Nic23 at 12:15 on 27 April 2009
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Hi Laurence
Everyone has mentioned anything i noticed in regards to grammar and punctuation. I thought this was great, very spooky and the last line was a great hook. I hope this is part of a novel because i can't wait to read what happens next.
Nic x
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Laurence at 21:43 on 27 April 2009
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Thanks again for the comments. I am spurred on to continue with the project and hopefully share a little more with you all.
I love scaring myself!!
Laurence
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fbtoast at 23:31 on 27 April 2009
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Hi Laurence
Oh my god! Freaked me out! It seems like it's over though - as someone else said, it's like a piece of flash fiction.
The only other thing that struck me was - I don't know why - but something about the way it is narrated made me think that the narrator was a woman, even though I suppose it is actually a man. Perhaps it is the uncontrollable shaking, or it is simply because of the last line. Is the effect deliberate to add to the sense of dislocation and alienation?
Nicole
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Laurence at 13:17 on 28 April 2009
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Very perceptive Nicole!
I have been trying to write from different perspectives - guess I nearly pulled it off.
Laurence
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The Bar Stward at 18:13 on 30 April 2009
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Creepy, damn this'll give me nightmares tonight! This feels like one of those very short stories people post on here a lot BUT you say its an extract from a bigger story, so I'd like to know what is happening to the MC.
Great
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THS at 21:54 on 29 May 2009
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Hi there!
I enjoyed reading this, even though I am loathe to admit that I didn't get the twist
So sorry. It must be my pain med as everyone else got it so I have to admit to having my 'thick' head on tonight!lol.
I thought of a few different possibilities and I'm sure it will be obvious when you tell me (pretty please) but I don't want to ruin it by coming up with rubbish!
Gosh, I'm so embarrassed now. :%
T
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