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Don`t play with me!

by freynolds 

Posted: 24 April 2009
Word Count: 493
Summary: First chapter of my new murder mystery. This is short, you'll be glad to know.


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Chapter I – Somewhere on the South Downs, 2007

Pierre wiped the blood from the knife. He looked at the bloody mess on the ground and felt nothing. There were no emotions left in him for the body at his feet. For years, he had felt love, then sorrow, followed by regret and, more recently anger, but all these feelings had gone. Isobel’s schadenfreude was no more. He had killed her, not in a moment of passion, nor in a bout of anger. He had killed her because he had to put things right, for himself but also for the others. At forty Pierre carried the burden of a long and miserable life, a misery that he owed to Isobel. He was in no hurry; he had been waiting for so long that a few more minutes would be of no consequence. There was a lot that needed doing, but he had all night.

He wrapped the refuse bags around his shoes and secured them with elastic bands then dragged the body a few feet away to a spot he had previously prepared. He lifted the makeshift leafy lid he had ingeniously made to cover the hole and moved it aside. Having jumped in to retrieve the compost bags he had hidden some days ago, he heaved them up on the ground and then pulled the body into the cavity. Getting out of the hole, he went back to the truck. Retrieving the bottle of perfume from the glove compartment, he carefully unwrapped it. Pierre walked back to the hole again and poured the whole contents of the bottle over the body. He then filled the hole with the compost. After having stamped over the slightly elevated heap until it felt firm under his feet, some more compost was added so that the surface was completely level with the rest of the ground. With a branch he cut from one of the bushes, Pierre brushed the soil surface so that it appeared untrodden. He gathered up handfuls of leaves from under the bushes and sprinkled them here and there to create a perfect autumn blanket. With the dozens of ramblers that would be walking the nature trail tomorrow, there would be no trace of what had happened tonight. He carefully picked up the empty compost bags and walked back to the truck. Pulling another refuse sack from the back, he removed the bags from around his feet, took his gloves off and placed them and every item that could incriminate him, including the packaging for the bottle of perfume, in the bag. Then he drove off.

In the cool night air, if anyone had been wandering along the South Downs’ nature trail that night, they may have come across a waft of ‘Chanel Number 5’. As it happened the fire that started later at Croft farm soon covered up the area with an acrid smell and, of the perfume, there was no hint.







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Comments by other Members



pwhybrow at 11:10 on 24 April 2009  Report this post
Hi

I just did a quick read of this. I must say that I am not that keen on murder mysteries usually but I like the opening of this one. I think it is short and to the point and gets the reader hooked quickly.

I think that in the burial scene you may be using too many 'He's. You might want to rejig that for readability, it reads like a list, he did this, then he did this, then he did this. I know it is very hard to not do that, I have the same problem and pull my hair out trying to figure out how to make a passage readable.

Very nice end to the peice with the perfume reference. I think this is one that a lot of the group will be interested in.

Well done.

Peter





freynolds at 11:23 on 24 April 2009  Report this post
Thanks Peter for the very valuable feedback. Having re-read it once again, all the "he" jumped at me!

I was not sure which category to place this in as it is in some ways a murder mystery but as the murder takes place in the opening chapter, it is also, in a way, a psychological investigation.

Fabienne

pwhybrow at 11:34 on 24 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Fabienne

I think it starts a little like a Dan Brown novel. That might be a good thing since you get the reader hooked. You just need to maintain the pace for the first few chapters before you give the reader a rest I think. I am not trying to categorise your writing here of course.

Peter



SJ Williamson at 12:57 on 24 April 2009  Report this post
Fabienne

This is very chilling. He is a remorseless killer, but I still get a feeling that he is going to be complex too.

It's a horrible thing to think about, but you've given us a step by step picture of how he behaved, almost as if we are following his exact thought process.

Really interesting.

SJx

Mand245 at 13:42 on 24 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Fabienne

Terrific stuff! A totally gripping start! I may be wrong but I'm guessing that this is a prologue, giving us a brief glance of the crime before the investigation starts in chapter one.


For years, he had felt love, then sorrow followed by regret and more recently anger, but all these feelings had gone.


For years he had felt love, then sorrow, folowed by regret and, more recently, anger.

Isobel’s Schadenfreude was no more.


I don't think schadenfreude should have a capital 'S'


At forty Pierre carried the burden of a long and miserable life, a life that he owed to Isobel.


'a life that he owed to Isobel' implies that he'd owed her his actual life, i.e. that she was his mother. I wonder if you meant that she was responsible for his misery?


He was in no hurry, he had been waiting for so long that a few more minutes would be of no consequence. There was a lot that needed doing, but he had all night.


semi colon rather than a comma after hurry; also maybe delete the comma after 'doing'

He wrapped the refuse bags around his shoes and secured them with an elastic band then dragged the body a few feet away to a spot he had previously prepared.


I would say 'secured them with elastic bands'. otherwise it implies he used one elastic band for both feet which would mean he'd fall over when he tried to walk!


pulled the body in the hole.


the body into the hole

whole content of the bottle over the body.


whole contents

With the dozens of ramblers that would be walking the nature trail tomorrow, there would be no trace of what had happened tonight.


suggest: For the dozen of ramblers

including the packaging for the bottle of perfume in the bag.

comma after perfume

As it happens the fire

happened (past tense)


A gripping opening! Can't wait to read what comes next!

Mand



nezelette at 14:02 on 24 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Fabienne
I loved this! Very efficient, no messing about, gripping from the very first line, great stuff!
I thought the last little paragraph was brilliant, with the chanel perfume replaced by fumes. Can't wait to know what happens!
Bravo!


wyf of bath at 17:55 on 24 April 2009  Report this post
hi
i liked this , great beginning. i agree with all the comments but i think maybe you could omit the 'bloody mess' and just use 'mess' as you have already used blood in the first sentence and the reader knows a murder scene is bloody.
i may have read it wrongly and your intention may be that you want the murderer to be impassive but i would have liked a bit more tension while he is burying the body. i think anyone would be a bit tense in this situation. is he afraid someone will see him? is his heart beating fast? does he hear a noise and pause for a moment? you know that sort of thing to make it more atmospheric. that's just a personal preference though.

its very good, im looking forward to more

freynolds at 18:41 on 24 April 2009  Report this post
Thanks ever so much to everyone for taking the time to look at this and provide comments and suggestions. I've drafted the new few chapters but will polish up a bit before posting the next bit.

I am so glad you like it and feel encouraged to continue the story...

Fabienne

fbtoast at 22:04 on 24 April 2009  Report this post
I too am not a fan of murder mysteries, but this one cracks on quickly, and you definitely want to know what has driven him to this, because it doesn't seem like he is an evil psycho, but someone who has been driven to the act - or perhaps has convinced himself that it is necessary. That is definitely what would lead me to read on, wanting to know the story behind what led up to this point. Very efficient story-telling.

THS at 20:00 on 26 April 2009  Report this post
Hi!

Sorry I'm late with this one.
Forgive me if I repeat what has been said before even thought I have just read throught all the comments!

Isobel’s schadenfreude
- what is this sorry? I thought at first it might be her name but you have used the possessive 's', so I being ignorant of what a 'schadenfreude' is?

He had killed her, not in a moment of passion, nor in a bout of anger. He had killed her because he had to put things right, for himself but also for the others.


I thought this might read better as:-
He had killed her, not in a moment of passion, nor in a bout of anger; he had killed her because he had to put things right, for himself but also for the others. - to make it flow more?

At forty Pierre carried

At forty, Pierre carried

and secured them with elastic bands

and secured each of them with elastic bands

Getting out of the hole, he went back to the truck. Retrieving the bottle of perfume from the glove compartment, he carefully unwrapped it.


Getting out of the hole, he went back to the truck and retrieved a bottle of perfume from the glove compartment, carefully unwrapping it. - I thought keeping it in present tense might be better and also changed it to 'a' bottle of perfume as 'the' indicated you had mentioned it previously.

Pierre walked back to the hole again and poured the whole contents of the bottle over the body. He then filled the hole with the compost.


Pierre walked back to the hole again and poured the whole contents of the bottle over the body, which he then started to fill over with the compost. - or something to that effect. I noticed, which I understand is very difficult to avoid, that the word 'hole' is also very prominent so I thought that by stringing some of the sentences together, it would link it to the hole without having to mention it?

I do agree with Wyf that you could definately put a bit more descriptive tension in there. Even if there was a wind rustling the trees so that he may think someone could be watching him etc etc?

Really enjoyed it though even with all my picky comments! Sorry!
I know you have probably done more drafts as you say but I do look forward to reading more - and I do enjoy a good murder mystery come thriller!



Tani x

freynolds at 08:16 on 27 April 2009  Report this post
Thanks Tani with your help with all the holes; I was not happy with the multiple use of the word.

Schadenfreude is a word borrowed from the German language often used in journalistic writing to describe someone who takes pleasure in the misery of others.

I see your (and wyf's) point about the tension but Pierre does not care about being caught or not at this stage; Isobel has driven him to this. It will become more apparent later on in the story, I hope, and explain why the tension is not there.

Glad you enjoyed it and don't mind the picky comments as this is the whole point about posting here, to make it better.

Cheers

Fabienne






The Bar Stward at 02:18 on 01 May 2009  Report this post
Straight in with the action. Most of the stories I have enjoyed the most so far have been character driven but I love a sotry with mystery. The questions demand answers and it spurs me to read on. Why did he kill this woman? How had she brought him so much misery?

Well written and I will read more!


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