Login   Sign Up 



 

The Enchanted Chocolate saved Jayden

by Dami 

Posted: 20 April 2009
Word Count: 1305
Summary: This is the piece so far. I started writing this story for ages 1yrs to 5yrs but it has evolved. I'm thinking about doing away with the enchanted chocolate because it's difficult for me to move forward with it. Thank you. Dami


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


My house was at the bottom of the hill on the other side of the enchanted wood. I passed through the enchanted wood everyday to get to school. The wood was so magnificent with lots of precious animals like the red squirrel, beavers, and hedgehogs.

I liked to feed the animals when I passed through the wood. My Gran told me that the enchanted wood had magical powers. She told me magical stories about people who went to the woods when she was a young girl. ‘The wood looks after anyone who looks after it.’ She told me.

One day on my way back home, I dropped a packet of chocolate stars on the ground whilst passing through the woods. They fell out of the bag and onto the ground. I liked to keep the woods clean and tidy so I picked up the chocolate and took them home. The enchanted woods had turned my chocolate stars to enchanted chocolate. At home I left the chocolate stars on a table in my bedroom and forgot all about them.

I woke up to a windy morning the next day. The trees rustled from side to side. I always ride my bike to school and my mum said she would drop me off at school instead. On my way to school we passed through the woods. The animals huffed and puffed and ran for cover. I was worried that some of the animals may be hurt. My mum arrived at school in good time. At break time Asam and two of his friends in my year group started to pick on me. They made cruel remarks at me and called me mummy’s boy. I ignored the boys and went to my lesson. My mum picked me up from school and I did not mention the incident at school.

The wind had calmed down the next day. I rode my bike to school. I made a quick dash through the woods to avoid the bullies. After school I hurried along to the bike shed. I unlocked my bike and climbed on, whistling away. No sooner had I started my journey home did Asam and his friends school follow me to the woods. I rode faster but the boys tried to catch up with me. As I went to through the woods a big branch came tumbling down onto my path. I braked hard and my bike came to a halt. I jostled ahead missing the spiky part of the branch. The Enchanted Chocolate came alive ready to save me. The boys started laughing at me. My heart missed a few beats as I prepared myself for a painful landing. To my surprise I landed on soft ground. That was a nice landing I thought to myself. I got up so quickly and climbed unto my bike and hurried on home. The boys were so shocked and stopped because I was off before they could get to me.

I had been busy preparing for my exams to keep up my grades. The exams were now round the corner. My day at school had been so busy and had not had time to think about Asam and his friends. At the end of school I was only too pleased that I managed to do all my tasks for the day. I unlocked my bike in the shed and hoped on. On my way home my bike felt wrong and did not ride well. When I looked down on it I notice my back tyre was flat with a pin stuck in it. “Oh no not now” I yelled. By this time I was in the woods and thought about what to do.

I thought about what happened yesterday with Asam and his friends. As I looked up I saw all three boys appear one by one from behind the trees in the woods. ‘Now where are you going to run to’ said Asam. I stood up and held on to my bike. They gradually moved in on me leaving me in the middle. As they moved closer the enchanted chocolate got into position too. The enchanted chocolate drew a sticky circle around me. The boys thought I could not get away from them. They all had a smirk on their faces. As they stepped on the circle they tried to lift their feet to move even closer. Their feet got stuck to the ground. They all tried to move backwards, forwards, sideways but could not. The enchanted chocolate had done it again. When I realised that the boys could not come any closer I quickly pushed my bike through a gap. I pushed as fast as I could with out looking back until I reached home.


I had my exams the next day so I started out to school early. I rode my bike so fast and did not notice the boys hiding behind the big tree, waiting for me. I did not see the spikes they had scattered on the ground either and I rode over them. Asam and two others came out from behind the tree and pushed me to the ground. ‘Where do you think you’re going, you can’t get away this time. ‘I’ve got my exams today and I need to be off quickly, let me go or else’. I got up and gave Asam a push. I felt a big force behind me and my push was so hard it landed Asam on a tree stuck between two branches. His friends ran away as he screamed for help. ‘I its happening again, let’s get out of here’ they said.




He looked so helpless and I felt sorry for him. I could not leave him there on his own. I wondered how I could save him. I decided to climb the tree and held on to the trunk. I noticed a few brown steps all around the tree. It was easy to climb the tree. When I got to the top I asked Asam to hold on to the branch above him. I then pushed him free out of the gap. He was freed and hung on to the branch with both hands. I asked him to move along to the end of the branch until he could bounce downwards.

I dashed back down and asked him to let go of the branch once I got hold of his legs. He was really scared and wouldn’t do it. I told him not to worry because I would not let him fall. He eventually let go of the branch and I pulled him safely to the ground. ‘We’re okay I said to him’ He had sweat dripping down his forehead.’ How did you do that’ Asam said. ‘It was easy there are steps on the tree. ‘I’ll show you I said’ . All the steps had disappeared. I could not explain it and Asam never believed me anyway. ‘I don’t know how you did that but you’re cool. I’m sorry about earlier I was just being silly’ he said. ‘Don’t worry about it, I need to get to school fast. Okay I’ll give you a hand with your bike. We pushed the bike together and made it to school just in time for the exams.

What an amazing adventure I’ve had. I got home so tired. I emptied my pocket on a table in my bedroom along with the chocolate stars. Gran was right about all those magical stories after all. Mum made me a nice roast dinner to finish off my busy week. Mum tidied up my room on Saturday morning and threw all the rubbish on my table in the bin including the enchanted chocolate stars. ‘The enchanted chocolate stars are no more sad I know, but I’ll think about all the good they’ve done.








Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



Nic23 at 19:06 on 20 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Dami

I think the idea of enchanted chocolate is great, i know my little boy would love it if he thought he could get his hands on some enchanted chocolate. I think this story would be suited to an older child, around 5 years old maybe, i don't really know much about writing for children. I've noticed a few things whilst reading through, but grammar isn't really my strong point so the others might be more helpful.

cruel remarks

the incident at school

This might just be me, but i don't know if younger children would understand what remarks and an incident were. So maybe they said cruel things to me and i didn't tell her what happened at school.

my journey home did Asam and his friends school follow me to the woods

perhaps did Asam and his friends from school follow me

climbed unto my bike

Think this sounds better as onto my bike

The exams were now round the corner.

Maybe The exams were now just round the corner

My day at school had been so busy and had not had time to think

My day at school had been so busy i had not had time to think

I rode my bike so fast and did not notice

Maybe I rode my bike so fast i did not notice

screamed for help. ‘I its happening again

I don't think you need the I before its and i'm not sure but i think it should be it's not its, one of the others will know.

He had sweat dripping down his forehead

I think sweat running down his forehead might sound better


‘I don’t know how you did that but you’re cool. I’m sorry about earlier I was just being silly’ he said. ‘Don’t worry about it, I need to get to school fast. Okay I’ll give you a hand with your bike. We pushed the bike together and made it to school just in time for the exams.

I got a bit confused here because there wasn't any closing speech marks. Does the main character say
‘Don’t worry about it, I need to get to school fast.

and then the bully says
Okay I’ll give you a hand with your bike

because then a speech mark would have to go after fast for the MC and new speech marks for the bully, or was it all the MC speaking?

‘The enchanted chocolate stars are no more sad I know, but I’ll think about all the good they’ve done.

I don't think this needs speech marks because the MC is talking to the reader, and i'm not sure but you might need a comma or a semi colon after more. Again one of the others will be able to tell you.

I thing enchanted chocolate is a great idea, and maybe you could expand the story more by having other magical things happening within the enchanted woods (maybe something with the animals?). Probably a rubbish idea so feel free to ignore me

Nic x







Mand245 at 20:08 on 20 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Dami

I’m afraid I have no experience of writing for young children (or indeed, of young children) but I agree with Nic that enchanted chocolate is a great idea. You could certainly have a series of stories based around the idea (as long as the chocolate didn’t get thrown away at the end!). I apologise in advance if I repeat anything Nic has said.



‘The wood looks after anyone who looks after it.’ She told me.


‘The wood looks after anyone who looks after it,’ she told me.

I picked up the chocolate and took them home.


chocolates (plural)

I always ride my bike to school and my mum said she would drop me off at school instead. On my way to school we passed through the woods.


‘drop me off’ implies to me that they were in a car, but then they pass through the wood. Maybe you could say: my mum said she would walk with me to school instead.

My mum arrived at school in good time.


This sounds like mum arrived alone. I would say: We arrived at school in good time.


As I went to through the woods a big branch came tumbling down onto my path.


As I went through…


The Enchanted Chocolate came alive ready to save me.


Could you maybe explain what the chocolate did.


I had been busy preparing for my exams to keep up my grades.


It’s about 100 years since I was at school but would five year old children be familiar with the concept of exams and grades? Would they not just have tests? Maybe one of the other group members would know.

My day at school had been so busy and had not had time to think about Asam and his friends.


…so busy and I had not had…

At the end of school I was only too pleased that I managed to do all my tasks for the day.


… that I had managed…

I unlocked my bike in the shed and hoped on.

Typo. hopped on

When I looked down on it I notice my back tyre was flat with a pin stuck in it. “Oh no not now” I yelled.


When I looked down I noticed my back tyre was flat with a pin stuck in it. “Oh no, not now!” I yelled.

‘Now where are you going to run to’ said Asam.


This should be on a new line and you need a question mark after ‘ run to,’


‘Where do you think you’re going, you can’t get away this time.

‘Where do you think you’re going? You can’t get away this time!’

‘I’ve got my exams today and I need to be off quickly, let me go or else’.

Always start a different characters dialogue on a new line. Full stop after quickly and then a capital L for let

‘I its happening again, let’s get out of here’ they said.


New line again. ‘It’s happening again! Let’s get out of here,’ they said.


‘We’re okay I said to him’


‘We’re okay,’ I said to him.

He had sweat dripping down his forehead.’ How did you do that’ Asam said.

New line again: He had sweat dripping down his forehead. ‘How did you do that?' Asam said.


‘It was easy there are steps on the tree. ‘I’ll show you I said’ .

And again. ‘It was easy. There are steps on the tree. I’ll show you,’ I said.

‘I don’t know how you did that but you’re cool. I’m sorry about earlier I was just being silly’ he said.

New line and you need a comma after the word silly.

‘Don’t worry about it, I need to get to school fast. Okay I’ll give you a hand with your bike. We pushed the bike together and made it to school just in time for the exams.

New line and close speech marks after …with your bike.’


‘The enchanted chocolate stars are no more sad I know, but I’ll think about all the good they’ve done.


The enchanted chocolate stars are no more. Sad I know, but I’ll think about all the good they’ve done.


Just a thought. If you wanted to move away from the chocolate stars maybe you could write a series of stories about different enchanted items. The character could take different things into the wood to see if they would become enchanted. Maybe the character and Asam could become friends and plan to have enchanted adventures together.

I think this is a lovely little tale for young children and I really look forward to reading more of your work!

Mand


freynolds at 12:31 on 22 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Dami,

Nic and Mand have already addressed vocabulary and grammar, so I won't go into it any further as I think they've done a very thorough job.

I too liked the idea of the magic chocolate. I could too with some of it!

I tend to agree with Nic, in that the language may be a little too high brow for 5 years old but you could aim it at a slightly higher age range. Mand got a very good point about developing other magical ideas - the enchanted chocolate could be just one chapter in the story and you could find a new title for the book. Perhaps the other two boys do some mischief in the wood and Asam and the little boy (what's his name by the way? I don't seem to be able to find it) could try to repair the damage and the wood repays them in revealing a secret liquorice spring or something?

This is a charming story and I look forward to read more of the adventures around the enchanted wood.

Fabienne




<Added>

Sticky keyboard this morning, I just saw the typos in my comment!

LeeLoo at 18:35 on 22 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Dami,

One thing that stood out to me when I started reading this was the repetition in the first few pars of 'enchanted woods' or 'woods' on its own - 10 or 11 times I think.

I know repetition features a lot in books for tots but I agree with other members here that this seems more appropriate for older children who may be beginning to read independently and have understanding of things like school, and school tests, roast dinners and so on. Maybe for ages five or older? This repetition may be too simple for these children.

I don't know if anyone else has noticed this.




THS at 15:33 on 25 April 2009  Report this post
Hi LeeLoo & Dami.

Yes I noticed the repition of 'wood' and I thought that maybe with the opening paragraph it would be better to maybe reform it to cut the number of repitions down?
i.e.

My house was at the bottom of the hill on the other side of the enchanted wood. I passed through the enchanted wood everyday to get to school. The wood was so magnificent with lots of precious animals like the red squirrel, beavers, and hedgehogs.
I liked to feed the animals when I passed through the wood. My Gran told me that the enchanted wood had magical powers. She told me magical stories about people who went to the woods when she was a young girl. ‘The wood looks after anyone who looks after it.’ She told me.


to maybe:-.......

My house was at the bottom of the hill, on the other side of the woods. I passed through these magnicificent woods every day on my way to school, and liked to stop and feed all the animals such as the red squirrel .... etc
When I went to visit my gran (unless he lives with her??), she would tell me stories about the wood having magical powers and the people who went to visit it when she was a young girl, and so we nicknamed it 'The Enchanted Wood'.



Well I have reduced it from 7 down to 4 - but it's only a suggested Dami so I hope you arent offended!

Nice story.

Oh, I did notice something else which may have been picked up by the others above... but I got a little confused when the boy had emptied his chocolate stars out in his bedroom first and then somehow he had them in the forest when he was being bullied? Did the stars manage to jump back into his pocket? That would be a nice idea maybe - so that they were always with him and he was surprised when they appeared because he thought he had left them at home?...

Tani

Dami at 20:30 on 25 April 2009  Report this post

To Nic23,Mand245,freynolds,LeeLoo & Tani

Your comments have been most invaluable. I now have a good sense of direction and realise how important it is to keep the reader in mind. LeeLoo I appreciate your observation on the number of repetition in the story. Tani, thanks for the suggested text.

Thanks

Dami


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .