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Missing

by Laurence 

Posted: 13 April 2009
Word Count: 371
Summary: An on-going piece of work based on the murder of Hazel Harlow. A case for Inspector Anthony Hurst.


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Hurst could not sleep. The case was not going well and he was no further forward in solving the murder of Hazel Harlow. He was convinced there was a connection between the death of Jennifer Brookes and Hazel Harlow but for the moment it escaped him. Getting up at two he made his way to the kitchen ensuring he did not disturb anyone. He made a cup of tea and pulled up a stool and sat at the breakfast bar. As the hot liquid slid down his throat he pictured both father’s and was surprised how grief affected them in different ways.
He was sure one of them was either the killer or knew who did it. The proving would be the hard part. Hurst checked the kitchen clock it was nearly three. He decided to change and go to the station.
He walked into his office and noticed something was out of place. It took him a split second to realise the forensic bag with the gloves was not where he left it.
‘Sergeant,’ he said into the telephone receiver, ‘get yourself down here now.’ His tone of voice was one that everyone obeyed without question.
Heavy footsteps hurrying along the corridor stopped outside Hurst’s office; a knock at the door and the sergeant entered.
‘Something wrong sir?’ enquired the officer.
‘The gloves?’
‘Gloves sir?’
‘The gloves I left on my desk! Where are they?’ shouted Hurst getting irritated.
‘What gloves?’ said the officer somewhat perplexed.
‘I’ll have your stripes for this. I left a forensic bag on my desk containing a pair of gloves found at the crime scene. They have disappeared. Now where the hell are they?’ The crescendo of his voice had brought a couple of other officers hurrying down the corridor and they now stood in the doorway.
Hurst loved an audience, ‘What are you all staring at? Haven’t you got work to do? For the last time sergeant where is the bag?’
The sergeant raised his index finger and pointed to a mound of paper on the corner of Hurst’s desk a forensic bag was poking out from the middle of the pile. Hurst followed his finger and retrieved the bag.
‘Get out!’ he roared.






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Comments by other Members



Prospero at 13:54 on 14 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence

This is very promising work. It's a personal thing, but I find phrases like 'hot liquid sliding down his throat' a bit purple. By that I mean, frothy and overblown.

I would have written something like 'The tea was really too hot to drink, but Hurst gulped it anyway. The grief of the two father's had affected him. He needed to drown their sorrows so he could concentrate on the girls.

Just a thought, take it or leave it.

Best

Prosp

Laurence at 20:23 on 14 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Prospero

Many thanks for your comments - the rephrasing of the tea drinking sounds better, will bear it in mind as I continue to pen this story.

Laurence

Bunbry at 21:51 on 14 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence, I'm hooked already!! This has got legs and I can't wait to see more.

I've a few tiny suggestions which you can ignore at will!!

Second line - I would say either 'Hazel' or 'Harlow', but not her full name again.

Line 3 'fathers' without the apostrophy.

[quote][The gloves I left on my desk! Where are they?’ shouted Hurst getting irritated/quote]

I'd perhaps do -"The gloves I left on my desk. Where are they?!" then you can cut the speech tag yet still show him shouting.

Finally, at the end 'Hurst's eyes followed his finger..."

Keep up the good work

Nick

Laurence at 23:13 on 14 April 2009  Report this post
Thanks Nick

I appreciate the points made - helps to make the extract a little stronger.

Laurence

tusker at 07:35 on 16 April 2009  Report this post
I enjoyed this Laurence.

Agree with the suggestions Prosp and Nick made.

I'm interested to see how the story continues and curious to know why and who he suspects.

Got a bit muddled at, 'pictured both fathers.' Idiot that I am, I thought, briefly, that MC had 2!

Another suggestion to add to the others: 'fathers of both victims.'

Jennifer

Forbes at 16:49 on 17 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence

Read this and had a bit of trouble positioning it - as we came in to it mid stream.

You could make more of his going to the kitchen in the middle of the night.

Why was he sure murderer was one or other of the fathers? (is this in previous stuff?) I would have him reviewing why he thought that here, to give him a reason to go down to the station - otherwise it looks a bit random - y'know?

He walks into his office at just gone 3 am and there are so many officers there? Don't know the workings of a police station (I'm a good girl, me!) but there seemed to be a lot of people milling around ready to answer his roar at that time in the morning.

He seems inordinately... tetchy. Is this a theme in the stuff before, or is he "losing it"?

I think you need to make us privy to some of his "internal cogitations" to enable the reader to identify with his thought processes, without telling us too much of the plot though.

I wasn't sure what the point of this passage will be in the whole, is it a pivot? Is it moving us along to info we need? Has someone been in there snooping? Is he losing it?

Please take all and any of these comments with a pinch of salt, or tell me to sod off. But I think you may still have some work to do teasing the information you need to pass on in this section out - for the reader.

Good luck with this.

Avis

SJ Williamson at 12:48 on 24 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Laurence,

It's pretty much all been said above!

I picked up on the name on the second line and agree that either changing it to Hazel or Harlow would read a little better.

I really like this part very much


The sergeant raised his index finger and pointed to a mound of paper on the corner of Hurst’s desk a forensic bag was poking out from the middle of the pile. Hurst followed his finger and retrieved the bag.
‘Get out!’ he roared.


It is funny, something a little light in a dark and anxious passage, and it also gives us a glimpse into Hurst as a person - is he generally messy, or is the case making him a little lapse!?

Keep going!

SJ



Laurence at 20:53 on 26 April 2009  Report this post
I appreciate all the remarks said and have taken them on board in my re-draft.

The piece posted is part way into the story. It begins with Hazel's father being called to the morgue to identify his daughter. I will post these later.

Laurence

wyf of bath at 07:54 on 27 April 2009  Report this post
hi
you write very confidently and convincingly laurence. i agree with the other comments although i didnt notice them until they were pointed out

the only thing that jumped out at me as a bit clumsy was the sentence:

‘Sergeant,’ he said into the telephone receiver, ‘get yourself down here now.’ His tone of voice was one that everyone obeyed without question.


perhaps 'Sergeant,' he said in a voice that expected to be obeyed, 'get yourself down here now.'

its just a thought though. im looking for ward to more

judith

The Bar Stward at 17:51 on 30 April 2009  Report this post
Hurst seems a grumpy ol'bastard but thats good, it gives him character. All the best characters have a personality flaw. Is this apart of who he is or is it because of the case troubling him. I imagine he must have a temper because so many people hop to attention so quickly when he shouts them.

The storyline isn't striking yet but then this was only a small excert from a larger chapter, I imagine. At the moment it is the character who I find the most interesting. Why is he taking the case home with him, why is it troubling him so much? I'd like to know more.




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