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We Click-Clacked Back...

by skinnieminnie 

Posted: 07 April 2009
Word Count: 316
Summary: This is an excerpt from chapter two, (before Libby gets a lift home in the Ferrari). She has just had a tour of the stately garden, when her have-it-all Sister-in-Law offers her coffee in the new designer kitchen.


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


We click-clacked back in the direction of the house. Once inside I dropped my heavy bag onto the floor and kicked off my grubby Primark’s, perching myself on a breakfast stool I rubbed between my blistered toes. Krista assembled a huge stainless steel espresso machine and loaded it with freshly ground Arabica beans.

I sat awkwardly in the clear Perspex bucket seat, my hipster mini skirt retreating like a Blackpool tide. Aware that half my backside would have been visible through the unflattering transparent seat. I shuffled and pulled my skirt down as far as I could. Sitting rather uncomfortably, I managed to force a smile.

The coffee machine gurgled and spluttered as the strong aroma filled the frosty atmosphere.

‘Still having sugar?’ Krista asked.
‘Two, please.’

Krista couldn’t hide her look of disgust as she tweezed two lumps of demerara into the steaming liquid. She handed me a tiny bone china cup with raspberry, lemon and blue wavy stripes running vertically down it.

‘Nice, isn’t it?’
‘Um.’ I replied in disagreement as I sipped the strong black espresso.
‘It cost fifty-eight pounds. It’s a Missoni Home Margherita, I’ve got the whole set.’

The espresso suddenly burnt my throat and the tiny cup seemed to get hotter in my hand.

‘And the silver edging just matches the stainless steel look in my kitchen, don’t you think?’

I almost dropped the Missoni Home Margherita onto the Italian terrazzo floor.

‘Its lovely.’ I lied again, trying not to choke with the shock.

It was quite a pretty cup. The whole coffee service was lovely. But it was a vessel to hold coffee after all. It wasn’t the fucking Holy Grail!

I grimaced as I sipped the murky liquid. It would have tasted just the same served in a cheap earthenware mug. My stomach rumbled out aloud as I yearned for a biscuit to dunk into the designer china.






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Comments by other Members



Bunbry at 13:08 on 07 April 2009  Report this post
Classic lines!
I almost dropped the Missoni Home Margherita onto the Italian terrazzo floor.


And
as I yearned for a biscuit to dunk into the designer china.



Brilliant!

Tiny nit, try a comma after 'transparent seat'

Nick

Forbes at 17:47 on 10 April 2009  Report this post
I liked this it gave me a sense of place and character. I liked the same lines as Nick... and the comma!!

It moves well, but I don't have a sense of where it fits or what's going on in the overall story because I haven't read enough of it.

But good stuff for what I've read.

Cheers

Avis

hopper2607 at 20:43 on 10 April 2009  Report this post
Plenty of tension here, and scope for more of the same.
Plenty of scope for biting comment on the emptiness of material possessions.
The house she's in reminds me of the ones you see on MTV Cribs - cost a fortune, but completely soulless.

Good choice of names.
Libby sounds informal. Krista, with its much harder sound, is far more aloof.

I scribbled a few suggestions while reading the passage, but it's your story so you don't need to feel these ideas are necessarily an improvement.

Para 1 - replacing 'heavy' with 'deadweight of a'
Para 1 - a semicolon or a full stop after Primarks (think the apostrophe can go as well)

Para 2. How about -
Her Perspex bucket seats were designed to be looked at, not sat on. I couldn't get comfortable and my hipster mini skirt was retreating like the Blackpool tide. Half my backside must have been visible. I shuffled about, pulled my skirt down and managed to force a smile.

I've got a few more ideas, but don't want to appear to be rewriting it for you!

Tweezed is a great word, by the way.
Not in the dictionary, but should be.

At the end, how about 'a mug from Asda' instead of 'a cheap earthenware mug'.
And I imagine Libby would be happy with a supermarket own brand Digestive to dip into her tea.
I can't imagine there are many supermarket own brand products in Krista's kitchen, however.

Cheers,
Andy

J0ul35 at 17:08 on 12 April 2009  Report this post
I can't think of anything to say that the others haven't touched upon. Nice section of writing, but hard to get a feel for anything in such a few words that isn't written to be a flash piece

Lola Dane at 18:42 on 23 May 2009  Report this post
I like your tone and how you have set this up.
Again, it's hard to get a real idea without seeing a bit more. But I like it.
Only thing which didn't sit with me was the reference to the see through chair - as it reminds me of one of my favourite scenes from 'Rachel's Holiday' - but I like how the house is completely without soul.

Trina at 17:56 on 21 August 2009  Report this post
Hi,

Sorry I haven't commented up until now, I haven't been on here in ages.

I also liked this piece and can't wait to see how you develop the two very different worlds of these characters. Great descriptions, I felt like I was right there with them.
Looking forward to reading more.
Trina



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