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Mudskippers - synopsis

by Freebird 

Posted: 26 March 2009
Word Count: 646
Summary: I know this is probably too long. Also need to find the 'voice' and smooth over plot details to give an overall picture... but how?!
Related Works: Mudskippers - Chapter 1 • Mudskippers Chapter 2 • Mudskippers Chapter 3 • Mudskippers Chapter 4 • 

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MUDSKIPPERS – Synopsis


Twelve year old Evie Doubleday, bearing the scars of childhood operations, feels like a different species from the rest of her family. She has no say in the matter when they are forced to live with Evie’s squirrel-stuffing grandfather, Jeremiah – as unwelcoming as his forbidding house on a bleak northern bay. Mum hates Jeremiah because of something he did in the past, but Evie is shut out of the secret.
Jeremiah ignores Evie completely; Dad is busy trying to find work; Toby is football mad and afraid of vampires. And Mum is hiding more secrets about the driftwood dolphin and the gaps in the family photo album. All Evie wants to do is swim, but she is forbidden to do so. Left to her own devices, Evie is drawn to the strange, nameless boy she finds washed up on the shore one night, wounded and web-footed. Evie now has a secret of her own.
When Evie and Toby explore the house, Evie steals a photograph of Mum as a child, her arm round a mysterious girl with a strong family resemblance. Evie is horrified to discover Jeremiah’s collection of freakish stuffed animals, including a baby Mudskipper – an amphibious creature with an evil history and murderous habits, believed to be extinct. Evie realises that the boy, whom she has named Finn, is a Mudskipper. Can Evie trust him, or is he as wicked as Jeremiah thinks? Finn offers to bring her a sea urchin, to prove his integrity.
Evie withdraws from her family and wanders the shore at night. She strays too far and gets swept out to sea, where Mudskippers try to drown her. When Evie wakes, disappointed and betrayed, in the hospital, doctors discover a strange wound behind her ear that refuses to heal. Evie discovers the remains of a sea urchin in her pocket, and realises the Mudskippers were trying to help her. But Jeremiah sees the bruises on her ankles; he realises that Mudskippers are still living in the bay, and declares war on them. It is more important than ever that Evie keeps her friendship with Finn a secret.
Finn gives Evie another sea urchin, carved from the same wood as the dolphin. Evie questions Mum about the origins of the dolphin and the identity of the girl in the photograph. She finds that the girl is Mum’s sister...and Evie’s real mother. Evie is shocked to discover that she is adopted. She takes her distress to Finn, who identifies the wound behind her ear as a set of gills. Evie understands that she is half Mudskipper. She learns to breathe underwater and Finn invites her to come away with him and the other Mudskippers.
Evie and her family become more distant and angry as the secrets between them mount up. Evie draws out of Mum the full story of her birth – and the dreadful fact that Jeremiah wanted to kill her. Realising the full extent of her family’s rejection, Evie vows to run away with Finn, but Jeremiah locks her in her bedroom as he leads a gang of local men to kill the Mudskippers.
The ever-resourceful Evie escapes, and rescues a wounded Finn. The Mudskippers accept her as one of them. She and Finn are caught in the battle, with Jeremiah himself hunting them down. They overturn his boat and Finn sees the perfect moment for revenge. He insists that Evie come with him but Evie, choosing her own destiny at last, embarks on a more radical means of ending the conflict. She gives up her dream of running away with Finn, rescues Jeremiah and goes back to her own family, so that the Mudskippers will be free to live in peace.
Jeremiah reveals to Evie the root of his bitterness, and he and Evie begin a new relationship based on forgiveness and shared loss.







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Comments by other Members



NMott at 00:10 on 27 March 2009  Report this post
Hi, Freebird. An intriquing set of characters and an interesting story. I'll give my first impressions as I read through it, then if you think I'm getting the wrong impression of the plot and characters you'll know which bits to work on.


MUDSKIPPERS – Synopsis


Twelve year old Evie Doubleday, bearing the scars of childhood operations, feels like a different species from the rest of her family. She has no say in the matter when they are forced to live with Evie’s squirrel-stuffing grandfather, Jeremiah – as unwelcoming as his forbidding house on a bleak northern bay. Mum hates Jeremiah because of something he did in the past, but Evie is shut out of the secret.


Very good start. Is it important to know what the operations were for?
Don;t switch to the mother's view point in the last sentence. The focus is on Evie and it should be told from her pov. So here, it would be something along the lines of: Evie can see that her mum doesn't get on with her grandfather, but doesn't know why.

Jeremiah ignores Evie completely; Dad is busy trying to find work; Toby is football mad and afraid of vampires. And Mum is hiding more secrets about the driftwood dolphin and the gaps in the family photo album. All Evie wants to do is swim, but she is forbidden to do so. Left to her own devices, Evie is drawn to the strange, nameless boy she finds washed up on the shore one night, wounded and web-footed. Evie now has a secret of her own.


Again, tell it from Evie's pov, and start each paragraph with Evie, eg, Evie is ignored by her grandfather, Dad....., her brother, Toby...., and mum is hiding secrets. (I wouldn't mention the driftwood dolphin or gaps in the album at this point). but all Elvie wants...forbidden to do so.
I don't think 'drawn to' works in the next sentence. Simplify it a bit, maybe:
Left to her own devices, Evie wanders the shoreline where she discovers a strange, wounded and web-footed, boy. Evie now has a secret of her own.

When Evie and Toby explore the house, Evie steals a photograph of Mum as a child, her arm round a mysterious girl with a strong family resemblance. Evie is horrified to discover Jeremiah’s collection of freakish stuffed animals, including a baby Mudskipper – an amphibious creature with an evil history and murderous habits, believed to be extinct. Evie realises that the boy, whom she has named Finn, is a Mudskipper. Can Evie trust him, or is he as wicked as Jeremiah thinks? Finn offers to bring her a sea urchin, to prove his integrity.


Too much minor detail, and use 'grandfather' rather than 'Jeremiah'.
Exploring the house she finds a photograph of her mother and a girl - a stranger - bearing a strong family resemblance. Amongst her grandfather's stuffed animals she finds a baby mudskipper -...Can Evie trust him, or is he as wicked as her grandfather thinks?
I don't understand why the gift of a sea urchin would prove his integrity? I would simply delete this sentence.


Evie withdraws from her family and wanders the shore at night. She strays too far and gets swept out to sea, where Mudskippers try to drown her. When Evie wakes, disappointed and betrayed, in the hospital, doctors discover a strange wound behind her ear that refuses to heal. Evie discovers the remains of a sea urchin in her pocket, and realises the Mudskippers were trying to help her. But Jeremiah sees the bruises on her ankles; he realises that Mudskippers are still living in the bay, and declares war on them. It is more important than ever that Evie keeps her friendship with Finn a secret.


This could be simplified:

Evie withdraws from her family and wanders the shore at night. She strays too far and gets swept out to sea, where Mudskippers try to drown her. Evie wakes in the hospital feeling disappointed and betrayed, and bearing a strange wound behind her ear that refuses to heal. Evie [discovers the remains of a sea urchin in her pocket, and - I would drop the 'sea urchin' reference. She wouldn't still be wearing the same clothes for a start] realises the Mudskippers were trying to help her. But [Jeremiah] when her grandfather sees the bruises on her ankles he [realises - don't switch to his pov] declares war on the Mudskippers. It is more important than ever that Evie keeps her friendship with Finn a secret.

Not sure about that last sentence, surely Elvie would be concerned for Finn's safetly with a murderous and angry grandfather on the rampage. However, keeping their 'friendship' a secret implies she is worried for herself. I would delete it.


Finn gives Evie another sea urchin, carved from the same wood as the dolphin. Evie questions Mum about the origins of the dolphin and the identity of the girl in the photograph. She finds that the girl is Mum’s sister...and Evie’s real mother. Evie is shocked to discover that she is adopted. She takes her distress to Finn, who identifies the wound behind her ear as a set of gills. Evie understands that she is half Mudskipper. She learns to breathe underwater and Finn invites her to come away with him and the other Mudskippers.


The sea urchin, wood, dolphin are all un-necessary details. You want the overview, and more important is the photograph. Simplify it to put the emphasis on the identity of girl in the photo -
Elvie asks her mum about the girl in the photograph, and discovers it is Mum's sister - Elvie's own mother, she is shocked to discover she's adopted...
'takes her distress' is a bit clunky.

Evie and her family become more distant and angry as the secrets between them mount up.

- I'm not sure that follows. Far from secrets mounting up, Mum has admitted the big one about Elvie's adoption. I would delete it.

Evie draws out of Mum the full story of her birth – and the dreadful fact that Jeremiah wanted to kill her. Realising the full extent of her family’s rejection, Evie vows to run away with Finn, but Jeremiah locks her in her bedroom as he leads a gang of local men to kill the Mudskippers.

Again, use 'grandfather' not 'Jeremiah'.

Realising the full extent of her family’s rejection,

- I would delete this. It's a bit of a sweeping statement, and, even though it probably works in the novel, you haven't established this in the synopsis. She hasn't been rejected by the woman she calls mum; her dad is occupied finding work; and, although I've deleted it, Toby has explored the house with her. And she and the family have been taken in by the grandfather. Maybe they aren't playing with her, and she's been left to her own devices, but she hasn't been rejected.

The ever-resourceful Evie escapes, and rescues a wounded Finn. The Mudskippers accept her as one of them. She and Finn are caught in the battle, with Jeremiah himself hunting them down. They overturn his boat and Finn sees the perfect moment for revenge.
He insists that Evie come with him but Evie, choosing her own destiny at last, embarks on a more radical means of ending the conflict. She gives up her dream of running away with Finn, rescues Jeremiah and goes back to her own family, so that the Mudskippers will be free to live in peace.


Good suspense, but you've switched to Finn's pov in the middle, and have not said what form the revenge takes. I would have assumed that Finn kills the grandfather, but you go on to say that Evie rescues him, so does she talk Finn out of killing her grandfather. This is confusing, especially the second half. Tell this from Elvie's pov, not Finns and that should help to clarify this section. Don't slip into cliche to explain Elvie's motivations - 'choosing her own destiny' doesn't really mean much. And 'embarks on a more radical means of ending the conflict.' is just as meaningless. She gives up her dream of running away with Finn and instead rescues her grandfather...and what? How does this stop the war?

Jeremiah reveals to Evie the root of his bitterness, and he and Evie begin a new relationship based on forgiveness and shared loss.


'the root of his bitterness...' - again, this is cliche not a proper explanation. What is the 'loss' you mention here?


- NaomiM

<Added>

Overall, this is very good, but you must stick with Elvie's pov as you tell it - don't wander to the grandfather's or Finn's.

You don't say what the operations were for. I'm assuming it was to hide her mudskipper lineage, if so I think that should be mentioned the same time she discovers what who her mother was. Also, thinking back, it's not stated what happened ot her mother, presumably she left to join her lover and the rest of the mudskippers, or was drowned, and that is why the grandfather hates hem so much - again, that should be clarified.
Don't get sidetracked with minor details like the sea urchin, dolphin, or missing photos in the photo album. They are plot devices used in the novel, but don't really work in a synopsis. keep it to a more generalised 'mum's keeping secrets' and 'Finn persuades her he's telling the truth' or something like that.



Freebird at 15:29 on 27 March 2009  Report this post
Thank you!! It seems so obvious when someone else points it out...

I have called the grandfather Jeremiah throughout the book because he is so distant and won;t respond to being called grandad. Evie has never met him, he ignores her, and even her own Mum calls him Jeremiah because she can't bring herself to call him 'Dad'.

Now wondering if I should change this??

All good tips, and I can see that I have veered from Evie's pov.

Will get back to it Monday morning!

Freebird

NMott at 15:33 on 27 March 2009  Report this post
Now wondering if I should change this??


No, You don't have to change it for the novel, but it makes it easier to remember who's who if you refer to him as grandfather in the synopsis. And grandfather is more formal than granddad, so that will convey a note of distance between them.

Mand245 at 09:15 on 28 March 2009  Report this post
Hi Freebird

I don't really have anything to add to what Naomi's said. As a struggling synopsis writer myself I joined this group because, according to the perceived wisdom of everyone on WW's, if you need help with a synopsis you need Naomi! How true is that. Naomi, if you're looking in, what can I say? What a star!

Back to Mudskippers. As I said, can't help with the synopsis but I think it's a great story and really caught my attention. I'm heading off now to have a look at Chapter one! Best of luck with it!

By the way.... I just love
Evie’s squirrel-stuffing grandfather,


Mand


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