Login   Sign Up 



 

Rain on the hill

by nickb 

Posted: 24 March 2009
Word Count: 98
Summary: Sorry, it's a bit gloomy. One of those days I guess.


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


Rain on the hill

Across the hillside the rain draws in,
wipes the valley clean on its way,
turns the city iron clad
distant, proud to muted grey

Dying bracken sucks at lazy rain,
drops its limpid blood on the floor.
Each shred of tattered light glimmers
more despondent than before.

House lights flicker far, forlorn
get tangled in the gloom and drowned,
faded day turns sadness silent
for love lost, absence found.

Mist pulls the evening in behind,
wraps time in its capacious sweep;
gives the hill a lamenting kiss
causing the trees, and I, to weep.






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 15:39 on 24 March 2009  Report this post
Me again - when you get tired of me just say...
In the distance the city turns iron clad
and proud to muted grey.


How about:
turns the city iron-clad
distant, proud to muted grey.

Stanza 2: maybe sucks at to get rid of 'the'
and flanneled light? woven? napless?

Stanza 3:
House lights flicker in the distance,

distance again...House lights flicker far, forlorn,

and believe it or not I think the last line would benefit syllable-wise if you put the and back in that you undoudtedly took out. It sounds so much more final with that count.

I don't think you need the last stanza at all.

Epona Love at 20:23 on 24 March 2009  Report this post
Hi nickb
I really like this, and agree with V'yonne about most of the changes... but I like the last verse, though could I suggest leaving out 'lingering'? I think it would flow better, and for me stand out as my favorite verse, I think because it makes the poem more personal. Especially love the line 'wraps time in its capacious sweep', and 'time' echoes the vowel sound in behind, which is a rhyme in itself.

Keep writing

Emma xx

nickb at 20:53 on 27 March 2009  Report this post
Thanks guys, really interesting comments. I've changed it around a bit in light of your thoughts and I agree it sounds and feels tighter.


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .