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If You Would Know
Posted: 20 March 2009
Word Count: 142
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If You Would Know
If you would know my heart
see what makes me cry
if we should drift apart
something within will die
If you would know my mind
don’t count on what I say
my thoughts must be divined
from how I act each day
If you would know my soul
how high my spirit rides
when life exacts its toll
see how my strength abides
If you would know my love
how deep how free how true
know there is none above
the love I have for you
Heart mind soul love are one
within this fragile frame
in sinew blood and bone
passion is its name
My heart is good and true
my love is strong and sure
my mind sees all things new
my soul seeks beauty pure
But passion simply dies
before the truth of lies
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 17:38 on 22 March 2009
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A well constructed set of rhyming verses. The pattern of repetition and gathering together of the repeated ideas at the end - all this goes smoothly and works well.
I particularly like
If you would know my mind
don’t count on what I say
my thoughts must be divined
from how I act each day |
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The last line is weak, though - more because it lacks the rhythm of preceding lines than because of the repetition of 'endure'. I think a new closing line is called for, a slightly fuller line with the same stresses as the lines immediately preceding.
Instead of
my PASsion FELT for YOU
will enDURE and enDURE |
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it needs to be something like
my PASsion FELT for YOU
will EVerMORE enDURE |
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or words to that effect! ('Evermore' is straight out of a greetings-card verse, but it needs a line with that rhythm.) Of all lines the closing line needs to be strong.
James.
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.JPG) Zettel at 10:52 on 23 March 2009
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Thanks James. A slight piece and I agree about the danger of greetings card - goes with th territory with this stuff. You're clearly rigth about the last line. I'll look at it.
regards
Z
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 purpletandem at 00:22 on 30 March 2009
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Hi Zettel,
There is a classic feel about this poem - and none the worse for for it!
From the comments above I guess you have changed the final couplet, which I like as now - a good twist.
One question - in "passion is its name", I'm not sure what 'its' is referring back to?
With James, I do like, because it contains a fundamental truth:
my thoughts must be divined
from how I act each day |
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Regards,
pt
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Zettel at 10:57 on 30 March 2009
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Thanks pt
I guess I wanted to to say that for all the words, ideas, emotions, even spiritual qualities of that complex set of experiences we call love, its very heart lies in our physical being, not necessarily, though often, in the sexual part of our physicality - for their are many kinds of love. An idea can be proven wrong, a belief can be lost, although that is also often true of loves we have had or have, there is a sense in which we speak of, believe in love as something utterly compelling, itrresistable. Only it seems to me something that arises therefore 'in sinew blood and bone' can have that overwhelming quality - because it starts at least non-rationally. What we make of it, do with it, after that- is down to us.
Curiously, this is not so very different from consciousness, the mind: ALL there is is brain, tissue, cells: BUT consciousness, reason, ideas emerge in human experience - all more much more than simply cells and chemistry.
I'm not too driven to try to explain either. Unlike all scientists and many philosophers.
Glad you like my little poem.
regards
Zettel
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purpletandem at 08:50 on 04 April 2009
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Hi Zettel,
Thank you for the wider explanation.
I agree, there are many things we call love, and they are not the same, though they often overlap, connect, intertwine, etc., and sometimes they are at odds with each other.
'Passion' is an interesting word, because as well as meaning strong love or other emotions it can also mean the state of letting things happen to oneself, of being acted upon. It's also interesting that the two can sometimes converge.
Kind regards,
pt
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