|
|
 |
Halter neck cross-over
Posted: 17 March 2009
Word Count: 44
Summary: For the 'item of clothing' challenge in Flash Poaetry.
|
Font Size
|
|
My breasts
now too heavy
to be enclosed
in its soft folds
it lies
snuggled in
the depths of my
tights and knickers
drawer. Fabric
bought with care
to fall correctly,
rolled to avoid
creases, stitched
with precision,
ends its days under
mass-produced tat.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 V`yonne at 22:28 on 17 March 2009
 Report this post
|
I love the way way that first line is both literal and metaphoric, Joan - the pride and sadness of it.
I could never wear a top like that - we'll not go into it ;
|
|
| |
 FelixBenson at 23:46 on 17 March 2009
Report this post
|
This is a carefully put together piece. Joanie. A lovely thoughtful poem about those kept and loved pieces of clothing, that we can't quite bear to part with...
The opening stanza sets up a gentle bitter-sweet tone, and I love the rhyme here:
My breasts
now too heavy
to be enclosed
in its soft folds |
|
I like the final irony of it, but I wonder if , is quite right? It wasn't quite what I expected - perhaps jarred a little. I expect it was meant to, but I just wonder if there is another way of making your point.. maybe something like:
ends its days under
polyester, nylon,
or man-made rayon |
|
There are too may syllables there...but ...just an idea of a way to say it differently.
Hope this is useful in some way!
Good work, as ever, Kirsty
| |
 joanie at 08:01 on 18 March 2009
Report this post
|
Thanks, Kirsty. Yes, I think you're right about the ending; I'll have a re-think. I'll read a few labels and get some ideas!
| |
V`yonne at 11:56 on 18 March 2009
Report this post
|
|
elastane stretched thin, Joanie - bet you find a ton of elastine ; I quite liked the mass produced tat though - it was a big contrast and it did surprise but it felt like such a come-down - 'tat'.
|
|
| |
 Findy at 12:21 on 18 March 2009
Report this post
|
Felt a bit sad reading this...a well loved top folded carefully and kept, not thrown away...I can actually see it lying deep under all those 'mass produced tats' ... is it red in colour...that is what has come to my mind, dont know why...
Beautiful
| |
Nella at 14:14 on 18 March 2009
Report this post
|
Very nice, Joanie. I like this:
Fabric
bought with care
to fall correctly,
rolled to avoid
creases, stitched
with precision |
|
The thought, the care, that went into making the garment ... a scene from everyday life turned into poetry.
Robin
| |
|
|
|
|
joanie at 18:59 on 18 March 2009
Report this post
|
Thank you, everybody! It's actually a swirly, flowery pattern of deep pinks, greys, browns ...... (I've just been upstairs to have a look at it - I loved that top!) I made it years ago and I have never felt that I could throw it out.
| |
V`yonne at 22:35 on 18 March 2009
Report this post
|
|
Well maybe a hint at the colours in subtle ways would be nice, Joan. I think the word snuggled made us think of fire and fire is red, Findy ;
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
Comments by other Members
