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Moonfire
Posted: 13 March 2009
Word Count: 11
Summary: First attempt at Haiku!!
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Roof slates alight with
glorious moonfire. Bright blue
silver, true silver
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 20:52 on 13 March 2009
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I'm not a Haiku expert but I like this.
<Added>
So I asked someone who knows and she says:
glorious moonfire
Roof slates alight with bright blue
silver true silver
would be better. I think I agree. It's always wortth switching things round to see what works.
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 nickb at 22:54 on 13 March 2009
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Yes, I see what you mean.....interesting, I agree too. Thanks
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 joanie at 23:57 on 13 March 2009
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Gorgeous, powerful images. I agree with Oonah's re-positioning as the breaks are better, I think. Great stuff!
joanie
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 Alan Summers at 12:00 on 14 March 2009
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That was a good point raised about line breaks!
For anyone wanting to start with an English-language version of the Japanese 17 sound unit basic haiku shape the line breaks should be as natural looking as possible.
As original Japanese haiku were single line vertical haiku with a strong break, Martin's is close to a Japanese model.
Even Basho broke the 17 sound unit rule, and Japan's favourite poet Santoka regularly broke that rule! ;-)
You will have noticed that Martin got rid of a lot of adjectives yet the version is open enough for readers to see multiple 'takes' on colours etc...
I'm pleased that in your original haiku you took on the haiku mantle of writing about straightforward images such as roof tiles and used the moon to highlight them! ;-)
More please, and enjoy the 'editing' part of haiku as it can be a lot of fun in its own right. Editing a haiku draft is also a useful discipline for working on other kinds of poems and even prose pieces too.
all my very best,
Alan
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Beanie Baby at 10:19 on 17 March 2009
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This is truly beautiful and so provocotive. I agree with Alan's comments about editing haiku. My greatest chllange is to hone and hone and hone until I have the bear bones of what I am trying to say. Often that adds so much depth to haiku! I actually set myself a challenge once of writing an entire book of one or two line haiku a year or so ago. I bought a beautiful little notebook with hand-made paper and a delicate flower illustration on the front cover and I filled it. It took me a while, but I did it, so do crack on. Your haiku are wonderful to read.
Beanie.
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nickb at 14:24 on 18 March 2009
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Wow, thanks for all the feedback guys. This really is challenging stuff. You have inspired me to keep trying!!
Nick
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