Login   Sign Up 


The Fear

by THS 

Posted: 04 March 2009
Word Count: 238
Summary: Hi. This is one of the first rhyming poems I have written as have recently joined a writing class! Hoping to start writing fiction soon but enjoying Poetry at the moment. Any feedback welcome :o)

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

Darkness closes and the moon shines bright,
yet I know I will not sleep tonight.
For Fear is with me when the Luna has bloomed,of
stories told, of stories groomed.

The Night she cloaks her prey at last
and the dead walk free, no regards for class
but the night I know has somehow changed, and
secret glances look deranged.

My mind is fearful of that unknown
as the seeds of life have not yet grown.
With lips a whispering their prayer to God and
a determined head begins to nod.

Then suddenly awakened by a venemous laugh,
Heart a Beating way too fast.
Covers are drawn in the hope of escape,
but the mists of time start to infiltrate.

They shake your body from heaven to hell
and of all warnings told, I know this well.
For tonight is the night when no-one dares breath,
to avoid being chosen on 'All Hallows Eve'.

Nightmares abandoned, for this is no dream.
To discover the future, revealing a scream.
Bones of the living, in their world delight
at tearing down barriers and causing much fright.

Take head of my words for the truth they do speak
and watching advance turns your knees strong to weak.
So beware when they near and their knock brings you dread.
Prepare to remember, what I have said.

But if weakness of Will, causes defeat,
when given the choice,
Pray do choose the TREAT.

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

TSmith at 13:47 on 30 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Tani

I am at work so I've got to be brief - but I really liked this poem! Things that jumped out purely on a grammar/spelling level:

[quote] Luna [/unquote] I didn't learn Latin, so whilst I guessed Luna was 'moon,' I still had to check. Out of curiosity, what made you go for the Latin name?

[quote] no regards for class [/unquote] I would lose the 's' and write 'no regard for class'.

[quote] bloomed,of [/quote] typo, no space between the words. Which line should 'of' be on? Can it join the beginning of the next line?

[quote] a whispering [/quote] This is probably best hyphenated: 'a-whispering'

[quote] venemous [/quote] spelling, 'venomous'

[quote] Heart a Beating [/unquote] I would hyphenate it and lose the capitalised B: 'a-beating'

[quote] For tonight is the night when no-one dares breath [/quote] I would modify to:
'For tonight is the night when none dares breathe.'

I subscribe to the old-fashioned rule of grammar that says 'none' is an elision of 'not one,' but many people disagree, so you could keep it as 'none dare breathe'. However, the verb 'breathe' has an 'e' at the end.

[quote] Take head of my words [/quote] - I reckon this might be a typo - should be 'heed'

[quote] Prepare to remember, what I have said. [/quote] - you could lose the comma.

[quote] But if weakness of Will, causes defeat, [/quote] - I would de-capitalise 'will' and lose the comma: 'But if weakness of will causes defeat.'

I LOVE the last line. You are a macabre wee thing, aren't you? There's a touch of the Edgar Allan Poe in your writing - a real sense of foreboding. Have you read The Raven? And his short story 'The Black Cat'? You'd like them, I think.

Anyway, got to get back to work! (I will look at your other writing when I have time, I promise.)




THS at 14:11 on 30 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Tara!

Thanks for looking at this - nobody else has done! lol. I will check through your suggestions and alter accordingly

re Luna, erm, well its the same in Italian and I have seen it used alot in English (Lunacy etc) and I just liked it..
I wrote this years and years ago, probably when I was about 17 or 19 and my grammar was pretty rubbish then! (not that its great now mind)

Not sure about the 'none' instead of no-one. It does sound old fashioned? ha ha.

Funnily enough, it was supposed to be a funny poem - and is all about trick or treaters! I do enjoy reading it though, he he.
I have indeed seen the Raven and watched alot of his films. Me and Lisa used to sit on a Friday night and watch the series of them - can't remember what they were called as a collective, but they generally had Vincent Price in them!lol. Pit & Pendulum, House of Usher, etc etc. - Watched them all!

Just read your e-mail you sent me - that's great news re your friend! I'm not sure whether I would be any good at writing a horror story although that's all I used to read as a teenager! My favourite author, whom I read most of his books, was called Graham Masterton. That's due to my grandad having read them and passed them down to me. Alot of supernatural and Ancient voodoo stuff in them. I have kept two of my favourite ones, one of which is called 'Family Portrait' and is really good. It's based on Dorian Grey's portrait and the family that sell their soul to remain young but actually rot on the inside (a minor thing they weren't told about,lol). I lost it years ago and a guy that used to live in my apt block found it in London for me!

Maybe I will have to give that a go though as I never thought I would be able to write at all! ha ha.

Have you had chance to look at 'My One Night Bite' yet?

Hope to read some more of your stuff soon! Get joining woman! ha ha.


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .