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Portrait

by butterfly2000 

Posted: 19 February 2009
Word Count: 97
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Emerald green flows through veins
scarlet viridian hues drip
from finger-
tips

air canvas stretches

taut and blank and
ready to
receive

cerulean blue are my toes
leave their imprint
in linseed bleeding spreading
drops of
me

burnt umber lights my eyes
sweeps linen smelling skies

rub
scrape
erase
re-
work
the oils of skin smell warm
and freshly done

laughing deep within
bristle laden strokes
pungent moves
dart
glance
breathe

capture

ochre haze whispers
splatter
drip
wipe
with violet cream hands

move
colour my emotions

accentuate highlight
blur

the lines of this flesh tint
portrait
alive







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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 13:23 on 19 February 2009  Report this post
I like this but the use of ing tends to weaken it - makes it passive. Think about avoiding that and the poem has immediacy:

cerulean blue my toes
leave their imprint
in linseed
bleed
spread
drops of
me

burnt umber lights my eyes
sweep linen scented skies

I'd leave out 'drip' here too for the same reason:
drip
wipe
with violet cream hands

Try reading it without drip and it's so much more.

Title: Why not Self Portrait or Portrait of the Poet?
Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)
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butterfly2000 at 13:40 on 19 February 2009  Report this post
Hey, thanks for your comments ;0) I will re-edit it with your suggestions on the use of 'ing'... which seems spot on

It was originally called 'Portrait' - maybe I should stick to that... sometimes I make changes for the sake of it!

Not sure about taking drip out... I am trying to convey the collision of thought and action as the painter is driven by inspiration to paint her self. Maybe I am alone on that, but I'd be interested in what everyone else thinks?

Thanks again and best wishes
Debra
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V`yonne at 00:52 on 12 March 2009  Report this post
The important thing is that you have a reason for having placed this or that where you have. And when you have a reason, you should argue it. I think this a much stronger as it is now.
Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)
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Epona Love at 20:56 on 24 March 2009  Report this post
Hi Butterfly

I like this, very hands on! very alive, I can almost picture the painting and the artist splattered with expressions of self!
Makes me feel like picking up a brush myself.

Emma xx
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nickb at 14:58 on 30 March 2009  Report this post
Hello Butterfly, this is wonderful on the tongue, there seem to me to be loads of different ways to vocalise it. Love the use of colour. I imagine you're pretty liberal with the paint!

Nick
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