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The soldier`s rest
Posted: 13 February 2009
Word Count: 60
Summary: Revised version
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On the soil of a new Iraq
By a dust beaten track
A red rose on his chest
A man lies at rest.
His face is peaceful
His eyes are closed
In his hand a tiny cross
A taboo in Kabul.
The sun strikes his body
The rose spreads slowly
He sleeps still in the morrow
He casts no shadow.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 13:35 on 14 February 2009
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I like the tone here. I think that if the third line read
'a man sleeps'
it would be an improvement, unifying the tense throughout and giving more immediacy to the scene.
I liked that we don't really know who the man is. The title suggests soldier but the taboo in Kabul line suggests he may be Iraqi but not Muslim...
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 James Graham at 01:03 on 15 February 2009
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You can certainly construct a series of rhyming stanzas. With a variation, I notice - the first two are ABCAB and the last is AABCC. To change the rhyme pattern in the last stanza is often effective, especially if you rhyme the very last two lines together; this ‘closes’ the poem. I’m not sure how much of a beginner you are, or how long you’ve been writing poetry, but technically this looks pretty good.
I like the impulse behind the poem, to memorialise a dead soldier. I wish we could see more of this kind of poetry that expresses sorrow for the victims of war or poverty or other human afflictions. But I’m not convinced by this picture. The soldier lies by a track (for a day and a night?) with a rose placed on his chest? Is that how it would be in reality? My image of a soldier killed in Iraq would be that of a young man killed by a roadside bomb, with fatal wounds, perhaps severed limbs, and a great deal of blood. I feel that an epitaph such as this should be more realistic, and I feel yours is too prettified.
There’s an odd contradiction in the reference to Kabul, which of course is in Afghanistan not Iraq. I’m trying to think of a place in Iraq that rhymes with ‘peaceful’ but so far haven’t come up with one!
I like the line ‘He casts no shadow’ because it seems to have more than one meaning. It could be symbolic - the ‘shadow’ of his death should be cast everywhere, so that people become more aware of it and feel some of the sorrow and outrage that should still be felt even after six years of war. The literal side to it, the idea that he literally casts no shadow, is a little more puzzling. If the sun is shining, he would cast a shadow. Or perhaps his body has been picked up so that he is no longer there to throw a shadow.
If there’s anything in this that you don’t agree with, just post a reply and we’ll sort it out.
James.
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 freynolds at 18:25 on 15 February 2009
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Thank you Yvonne and James for the very constructive criticism. This is much valued and I have enjoyed the recommendations and questions raised.
I have been writing poetry for as long as I can remember but have only recently decided to take it further. I have submitted what I think is an improved version of this poem 3 days ago for a competition (wish me luck!).
Just for clarification on a few of the points highlighted by James (I am quite impressed by how much of what is not said you have guessed):
The new soil of Iraq is meant to be Pakistan (new focus - old issue)
The red rose that spreads is a bloody wound (perhaps that was too subtle and it needs more graphic elements)
He is indeed a soldier but wether a military one or a soldier of his faith is left for the reader to choose.
He casts no shadow is also an allusion to a ghost - is he really there at all or is he the imprint of so many men?
Many many thanks.
Fabienne
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V`yonne at 20:56 on 15 February 2009
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He is indeed a soldier but wether a military one or a soldier of his faith is left for the reader to choose.
He casts no shadow is also an allusion to a ghost - is he really there at all or is he the imprint of so many men? |
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These two aspects worked well for me.
Luck!
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freynolds at 18:22 on 19 February 2009
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Thank you James. I love the feedback and the suggestions. I'll take a closer look at the website you suggested.
This site and especially this group is a good experience!
Fabienne
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SJ Williamson at 16:43 on 22 April 2009
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Sorry Fabienne ... I'm reading this a lot later than everybody else just to catch up on all my friends work on WW.
I liked this piece (as you know I can't comment technically), but I thought it to be poignant, even if there were some issues as mentioned in other's posts.
I caught on to the rose being his fatal injury straight away ... and I am a complete idiot!
How did you get on with the competition entry?
SJ
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freynolds at 17:39 on 22 April 2009
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Hi SJ,
Have you written any poetry yourself? I have been at it since I was old enough to write. It is a passion of mine and one where you continue learning and experimenting every single day. I feel compelled to write and feel miserable when I don't. I won't hear from the competition for another couple of months.
I beg to disagree with your last but one line! Every single member on WW (and this includes you) has joined because of their passion for writing. Where there is passion, there is talent. The styles and ideas are many folds but everyone here is gifted one way or another. Don't undermine yourself, you too have a gift! You've proved it already.
Fabienne
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