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Blind Date

by LMJT 

Posted: 27 January 2009
Word Count: 499
Summary: For this week's 'Nothing to Lose', 500 words to include 'revelation' challenge. Bit bleak. Liam


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


Her breathing was slow and steady as he bound her hands and feet with masking tape, the rasps of the roll the only sound in the room.

If you’d told him this morning that he’d have a girl in his bed tonight, he’d have told you to fuck yourself, but the opportunity had presented itself so perfectly that he’d have been a fool to pass it up. There was nothing to lose.


He was driving back from work when he saw her slumped against the shattered glass window at the bus stop, her long legs stretched out before her, high heels kicked off. He’d driven past initially, to make his decision as much as check if anyone was around. There was no one, of course, since it was two in the morning in Greenwood and nothing (bar the shitty security office at Bluegates Shopping Centre) was open after midnight. What he’d always hated about the town in his youth had finally become a blessing. What a revelation!

When he pulled up at the bus stop, she looked at him with blank eyes, her head wobbling on her shoulders as if her neck was already broken. Her short denim skirt had shifted up her thighs to reveal a flash of slutty red knickers and in her hand was a bright pink phone that sparkled under the streetlight. He’d seen girls like her before in Bluegates; all tits, hips and blowjob lips. ‘Little Miss Fuck Mes’ he and Al called them.

‘I’d screw that till it bled,’ Al said of them, rubbing his dry hands together. And then they’d laugh, the idea that either of them, the wrong side of 50, beer guts and balding, would have the chance to fuck young girls was unimaginable. Or at least, it always had been. Who knew what was just round the corner? Who knew where opportunity lay?

‘Dad?’ the girl asked, pulling her skirt down as if for decency and dropping her phone in the process. The battery fell out and the screen went dead, but she didn’t even seem to notice. ‘We going home?’

Her words were so slurred that they became one, and her inebriated state both aroused and repulsed him.

Nodding, he picked up the pieces of her phone and slipped them into his jacket pocket. ‘Let’s go,’ he said, gripping her wrist and dragging her towards the car.


She woke with a jolt, and when she screamed he realised how stupid he’d been not to gag her. Grabbing the masking tape again, he wrapped it around her mouth. Once, twice, thrice. But though she was silent, her wide eyes still screamed, and so he covered those, too, finishing the roll of tape and casting it aside.

As he climbed onto the bed and slipped his hand between her legs, she writhed like a faceless worm beneath him. Though she was silent, it still felt as if she was screaming. And he knew only one way to make her stop.






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Comments by other Members



tusker at 07:11 on 28 January 2009  Report this post
A great flash, Liam if not a trifle brutal and scary.

Opportunity arose and he took it.

Sad reflection on the times we live in.

I wonder if this could be the start of something much bigger? The first victim of a serial killer. Obviously, he won't stop now.

Jennifer

LMJT at 09:46 on 28 January 2009  Report this post
Thanks Jennifer.

Yes, I was thinking of it as being the start of something longer.

This piece was a really good exercise for me to write in third person with a character so unlike the MC in my novel. I guess that's the wonder of flash!

Liam

Bunbry at 10:22 on 28 January 2009  Report this post
Hi Liam, it is always a pleasure to read your work which is consistantly at a high standard - but this is simply great! A great plot and a story with layers. I just loved it!!

That's not to say there are no suggestions from me, but just ignore anything you don't agree with and tut sharply!

I would omit
There was nothing to lose.

as there is plenty to lose if he is caught.

I would omit
What a revelation
once the challenge is over as I don't think it's needed.

This bit didn't scan right for me and contained perhaps a bit too much information.

‘I’d screw that till it bled,’ Al said of them, rubbing his dry hands together. And then they’d laugh, the idea that either of them, the wrong side of 50, beer guts and balding, would have the chance to fuck young girls was unimaginable.


This is how I might have tackled it.
I’d screw that till it bled,’ Al would say, rubbing his hands together. They’d laugh, the idea that either of them, the wrong side of 50, would have the chance to fuck young girls was unimaginable


Finally I assume he has done this before so it might be worth putting a hint of this in the story somewhere. If this is his first time I would suggest you have him in his 30's as no one starts raping and murdering when in their 50's.

But brilliant work Liam - very well done.

Nick



Jumbo at 10:36 on 28 January 2009  Report this post
Liam

Loved it - if you see what I mean. Great writing - frightening stuff.

But a couple of points - how difficult is it to rape someone if you have taped their feet together? Just a thought.

And Nick's ... no one starts raping and murdering when in their 50's? Is that really true? I'll eat my hat if it is!

All the best, thanks for the read

john






LMJT at 10:52 on 28 January 2009  Report this post
Hi Nick,

Thanks for your comments and I'm glad you liked it. I agree with the points you made about the content. The 'Nothing to lose' line doesn't work, does it? I think I was just jamming it in for the sake of the challenge, likewise with the revelation.

Agree with you too that there is too much in the 'beer guts and balding' section. It's a little clumsy.

However, I think I 'like' the idea of him being 50 and doing something like this. It's not that he set out to do it, but rather saw an opportunity and took it. Perhaps, in a longer piece, this could be further explained.

Hi John,

Thanks for reading and commenting. Glad you liked it.

I thought the same about raping someone with their feet tied, but thought I'd leave it to the imagination. I think he could set her into some kind of position. I don't think he really cares much about her comfort.

Thanks again, both.

Liam

Bunbry at 11:56 on 28 January 2009  Report this post
And Nick's ... no one starts raping and murdering when in their 50's? Is that really true? I'll eat my hat if it is!



I must confess John I have not researched the subject!

I was working on the assumption that to do anything so awful, a man must have violent thoughts, scant disregard for others and powerful unnatural urges [as harming another human is such a difficult thing for 'normal' people to do]. Why would he have not acted on these thoughts and feelings in earlier life when testosterone levels were higher and impulsive behaviour more likely?

But that's just the amateur sluth in me talking.

Perhaps we should ask Tiger, our resident Queen of Crime for her expert opinion in this matter!!

Nick

Forbes at 22:08 on 28 January 2009  Report this post
Liam

i am sure this is spot on, but it's a little too near to what's happened to a cousin, and there's a trial as we speak. She survived.

Avis

tiger_bright at 09:56 on 29 January 2009  Report this post
Brutal, Liam. The bit where the drunk girl thinks it's her dad was just horrid. You captured the cold heart of the MC very well. I wonder where her real father was?

Tiger

LMJT at 10:56 on 29 January 2009  Report this post
Hi Nick, I understand what you mean. It's something to think about.

Avis, thank you for reading. I sent you a message, too.

Tiger, thanks for reading. When I wrote it, I imagined that she hadn't actually asked her father to collect her or whetever, but, come to think of it, maybe that would make more sense.

Liam

Forbes at 18:01 on 29 January 2009  Report this post
Liam

You weren't to know, and I'm sorry I brought it up.

Avis

Jordan789 at 22:15 on 29 January 2009  Report this post
This is pretty horrific. Sadly, I can't say the story offers much else besides evil for the sake of being evil. I suppose I don't have a suggestion what I might want to know in the story, or about the characters, to make this feel better. Perhaps a happy ending? I don't know. Stories like this, with no hope of justice, are difficult for me.

LMJT at 10:13 on 30 January 2009  Report this post
Thanks for reading, Jordan.

Cholero at 21:34 on 31 January 2009  Report this post
Liam

Unsettling stuff, I felt a bit lost in some ways, despite the good writing and construction, because the story seems to operate in a moral vaccuum. It's only about nastiness, and you get on the inside of a sexual predators head unnervingly well, and I suppose that's a lot in itself, but somehow I finished the flash just feeling I'd read something that made me feel a bit crap.

Sorry!

Just one view, all about personal taste.

Best wishes,

Pete


crowspark at 22:22 on 31 January 2009  Report this post
Nice writing Liam but I wonder if there isn't more to be drawn from your story? If your mc is this brutal are there other things in his life which are on a par with this behaviour? If there isn't what is it that has brought him to this now? Great touch when she thinks it is his her father.
Powerful stuff.

LMJT at 17:52 on 01 February 2009  Report this post
Thanks for reading, Pete and Bill.

Prospero at 16:48 on 15 February 2009  Report this post
Very dark and disturbing, Liam, but very well written.

Best

Prosp





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