Is That You?
Posted: 19 January 2009 Word Count: 212 Summary: Flash 2 challenge.
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Some say it will ease, this terrible longing that fills all my waking hours and every dream.
Thoughtless though my future action might appear, I must now look ahead to the knowledge that we’ll soon meet again.
Timeless is our love; a precious bond I’ve only ever wanted since that night when we danced on the sand with only the sound of the sea to accompany our sway. Now I’m torn apart with grief, a leaden grief as, time and time again, I remember your last breath after you whispered against my salt stained cheeks, ‘I will always love you, cariad,’ and as you whispered, rays from a setting sun streamed through our bedroom window to caress your pale face.
Now I hear the sea slapping upon a twilight shore. I hear a voice. Is that you, my love? Is that you uttering my name?
I call out, ‘Wait for me! Wait for me!’ as pebbles, scattered by the recent high tide, bruise my running feet, but your insistent call draws me onwards towards black rocks nudging out into a darkening sea.
A lone curlew rises, it’s shadow drifting out further into the bay. As it flies away, your voice, still uttering my name, grows weaker as if you are drowning too.
Comments by other Members
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Nik Perring at 12:49 on 19 January 2009
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Ooh, lovely and sad. Can I suggest you cut ?
Love the 'voice' the narrator hears. Lovely.
Nik
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Prospero at 13:42 on 19 January 2009
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Lovely, Jennifer. Whistful and poignant.
Cariad? I am not familiar with this. Is it a name or an endearment?
Best
Prosp
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Nella at 14:35 on 19 January 2009
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Ah, beautiful, Jennifer. (she wipes the tears away...)
Well done - and what a quickie!!
Cariad - doesn't it mean "dear", or "loved one"? Welsh??
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tusker at 14:37 on 19 January 2009
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Thanks Nik for your kind comments.
Have altered the end as you advised. Hope it's ok.
Jennifer
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tusker at 14:38 on 19 January 2009
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Hi John,
Glad you liked it.
Cariad is a Welsh word for love or sweetheart.
Jennifer
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tusker at 14:39 on 19 January 2009
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Hi Robin,
I'm glad you liked it. Yes, you're right, it's a Welsh endearment.
Jennifer
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Bunbry at 20:11 on 19 January 2009
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Sorry Jennifer but this is not my cup of tea.
For me the MC is moaning too much and wrapped up in her own woes. To cap it all she runs around like a mad old biddy hearing voices and bloomin' shouting back to them!!
For me if you want to make me feel sympathy for a character they must put on a brave face for the world, and try against the odds to retain their dignity. That always has me weeping buckets!
If you have ever seen Emma Thompson's cry [just after she discovers her hubby is playing around] in Love Actually - the best cry scene ever in my book - you will know what I mean.
Sorry to be negative this week.
Nick
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V`yonne at 20:14 on 19 January 2009
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Jennifer, it's about me? How flattering
the MC is moaning too much and wrapped up in her own woes. To cap it all she runs around like a mad old biddy hearing voices and bloomin' shouting back to them!! |
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Oonah
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tusker at 07:06 on 20 January 2009
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Thanks Nick for your comments. No need for apologies.
Grief does that to some people after a long and happy marriage ends in death.
Jennifer
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tusker at 07:08 on 20 January 2009
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Oonah, it takes one mad old biddy to know this even madder one.
Jennifer
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Bunbry at 23:11 on 20 January 2009
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Thanks Nick for your comments. No need for apologies.
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Jennifer, I have always had you down as a delightful person - this just confirms it.
Nick
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tusker at 07:53 on 21 January 2009
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What a nice comment to read before the sun rises, Nick.
But, if I'm honest, delightful is not a term most people would use to describe me. Tetchy. Bombastic. Argumentative. Fierce when cornered.
But thanks.
Jennifer
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Forbes at 10:23 on 25 January 2009
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Hi Jennifer
this hits the spot in the latter section. I think the second and third sentence is a little too "Yoda" speak, if you know what I mean? You could perhaps re-word?
And then there are 2 paras starting with now, which jars a bit.
But the sense of a broken pairing, mated for life comes through.
Well done
AVis
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