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Daffy Deals

by Mickey 

Posted: 09 January 2009
Word Count: 291
Summary: I wrote this during the pre-Christmas Sales so its probably a bit irrelevant now!


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I struggled bravely through the crowds
when, floating high o’er ringing tills,
the P.A all at once announced
a host of great, to-die-for, deals.
At Lakeside under Christmas trees,
scores of Buy-One-Get-One-Frees.

Continuous credit I did find,
with lots of easy ways to pay,
as stretched in never ending line
stood flat-screen plasmas on display.
Down from a thousand pounds and more,
but now half price in every store.

The crowds beside them thronged as they
out-did each other’s spending spree.
A cynic could but feel dismay
in such short-sighted company.
I gazed and gazed then sudden thought
‘What wealth has television brought?’

For oft, when on my couch laid prone,
in vacant or in pensive mood
the TV or the telephone
will rob me of my solitude.
And then my heart with pleasure fills
that I withstood those daffy deals.


Version 2


Lonely as a Clown

I battled gamely through the crowds
when, floating high o’er ringing tills,
the P.A all at once announced
a host of great, to-die-for, deals.
At Lakeside on a spending spree,
with scores of Buy-One-Get-One-Free.

Continuous credit I did find,
with lots of easy ways to pay,
as stretched in never ending line
stood flat-screen plasmas on display.
Down from a thousand pounds and more,
but now half price in every store.

The crowds beside them thronged as they
out-did each other in their glee.
A cynic could but feel dismay
in such short-sighted company.
I gazed and gazed then sudden thought
‘What wealth has television brought?’

For oft, when on my couch laid prone,
in vacant or in pensive mood
the TV or the telephone
will rob me of my solitude.
And then my heart with pleasure fills
that I withstood those daffy deals.








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Comments by other Members



joanie at 16:18 on 09 January 2009  Report this post
Mike, it's just excellent, as always! I love it. Has it appeared anywhere - newspaper daily poem, etc??

Joan

V`yonne at 20:32 on 09 January 2009  Report this post
Because if it hasn't appeared anywhere - even a blogspot, and if this line
At Lakeside under Christmas trees,

ended in shopping sprees or something non Christmas - EDP might like the humour of it...

I enjoyed the read anyway
Oonah

Mickey at 21:24 on 09 January 2009  Report this post
Hi Joanie and Oonah,
Thank you both for your comments. If you compare this with the original, you'll see that I was trying to keep as near to it as possible - even using Lakeside as a substitute reference for 'beside the lake'. I take your point about Christmas Oonah although, again, I was trying to repeat the word 'tree' as in the definitive version. I thought that I managed the first and third verses okay, but I found it difficult to retain those references in the second verse. Luckily, Wordsworth's closer could be recycled with very little tampering! Happy New Year to you both.
Mike

Elsie at 22:46 on 16 January 2009  Report this post
Mickey
Happy New Year!
Clever and funny as ever - I'm dying to see you apply your talents to a poem that isn't a pastiche - you know you can do it!

James Graham at 21:43 on 24 January 2009  Report this post
Your best since Sweeney Todd! Parody or pastiche? Doesn’t matter - though parody tends to have a laugh at the expense of the original, and you’re mocking not Wordsworth but consumerism. Your choice of the Wordsworth poem is inspired, because his poem is about real joy and yours is a satire on the fabricated, cooked-up joy of a spending spree. I couldn’t imagine a greater contrast than this, between Wordsworth’s ‘lakeside’ experience and the frantic shoppers’ Lakeside orgy.

The way you pick up and re-use bits of the original is very clever. ‘Lakeside’ of course is perfect - try googling ‘Lakeside mall’, there are about as many of this name around the world as there are daffodils.

Continuous credit I did find,
with lots of easy ways to pay


is such a come-down from Wordsworth’s starry ecstasy, and

The crowds beside them thronged as they
out-did each other’s spending spree.


- really, the whole of that verse, is brilliantly handled.

I wonder if you might change the title so that ‘daffy deals’ comes as a complete surprise in the last line. It’s such a good punch line that it seems a pity the title already announces it. (I notice ‘to-die-for deals’ which is a mutation of ‘daffodils’ too - subtle, quite Joycean.)

PS on the plasmas - I forget which comedian came up with this joke. John Logie Baird had just finished a demonstration of his invention, and was getting high praise from the onlookers. ‘Och aye,’ he said, ‘it works all right, but there’s f - all on’.

James.

Mickey at 11:41 on 02 February 2009  Report this post
Thank you for your comments James. I have now posted a revised version to omit the reference to Christmas as Oonah had suggested, and I’ve re-titled the poem ‘Lonely as a Clown’ to keep the punchline till last. I thought that the new title would reinforce the sense of non-conformity with, and isolation from, ‘the crowds’

James Graham at 12:06 on 02 February 2009  Report this post
An excellent result - the new title signals a parody of 'Daffodils' without giving away the last line. I wonder what percentage of people can recite even a few lines of that poem - must be quite high. Your parody clicks right away because the poem is so well known. It's an excellent parody because it's so well crafted, because of the sharp contrast with the spirit of the original, and because it mocks consumerism, something that needs to be mocked all the time.

James.


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