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In Recognition
Posted: 07 December 2008
Word Count: 44
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Shoulders rounded
In dual resignation
He shrugged at fate
Looked askance at love
And half baked truths
Examining his shoes
He saw no naked soul
To bare or even tanglewood
But trod a maudlin line
To someone's destiny
Not realising
It was his own
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 SaintEx at 10:36 on 08 December 2008
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really like this, it's tone is perfectly evoked, half jokes like his shoe-gazing soul become brilliantly weary, and the character is very vivid by the point you consign him to his fate.
I'm not sure if 'In Recognition' is an ideal title, but can't qualify that remark, I just feel like something a bit more elegant is needed. also the rhythm of 'was sceptical of love' isn't great when the surrounding lines are tight; it's an important line tho', what about 'looked askance at love'? hmm. sceptical is just too burdensome in syllabic sense, and too harsh.
I'd also quibble over 'in dual resignation' - partly because the way it lightly personifies his shoulders isn't quite in keeping with the rest of the piece, but also because nobody really slumps just one shoulder, so explicitly mentioning them both in that sense sort-of trips the poem with an ambiguous opening drift. I don't know if I make sense there, so disregard whatever seems daft. that line needs to remain to keep the pace, but swapping 'dual' for something else might help.
anyways, great piece, sorry to ramble!
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Esther Frances at 21:09 on 08 December 2008
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Hi SaintEx
Thanks for your useful comments. I take on board what you say and I really like your 'looked askance at love' and think I may use that here - it does flow better. However, I like dual - it rhymes with fuel and that's worth its weight in gold these days - no, seriously, I sort of like stating the obvious (as in dual) - it might also be something my character would do!
Thanks EF
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