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A Million Lies Away, Into Africa

by NickyWilder 

Posted: 27 November 2008
Word Count: 487
Summary: He’s a compulsive liar, who cons people into delivering the Southern African wild life dream, but he can’t deliver from the start and everyone gets hurt, except love, that conquers all.. The book is a mix of Wilber Smith and Mills and boon, an adventure romance.
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A Million Lies Away
By Nicky Wilder

Books synopsis

Charming Apache is a Big Game Hunter and con artist rogue who trades in wild animals, guns and ivory from South Africa and Zimbabwe. He takes a bet with his partner in crime Auzzy that he can get feisty Nikita to marry him and then leave her at the altar as a revenge for the 3 years Auzzy spent in jail because of her fiancé Colyn, who is lost at sea and presumed dead. Apache who gets Nikita down the aisle is deceiving her behind her back for money. Apache unexpectedly falls in love with her but he still can’t be truthful or faithful to her stringing her along with his lies.

Colyn survives on the secluded Wild Coast of the Transkei, South Africa, with the help of a Sangoma Witch doctor who nurses him back to health but his memory is gone. Nikita chose to go to the Transkei’s Coffee Bay on her honeymoon where they nearly bump into each other, due to a car accident he ends up fixing her car which jogs his memory but not enough to make him leave the surfers paradise until one day he hears a song on the radio that remands him of her and he sets off to find her.

Nonstop travelling from the South African Wild coast, Gauteng, Timbavati, Zambia to Zimbabwe and house boats on Lake Kariba, meeting Lion, Elephant, hippo, crocs, baboons, snakes and spiders plus other colourful characters they meet along the way who want to jump on the band wagon of their adventure, they all get burnt in the process...

A clip from the book ..

‘Eduardo you stop drinking now!’
A man walked over
‘You guys ok?’ he asked in an amused grin, he looked interested in joining in on the party, he had heard Nikita and Jane discussing how wonderful a few days on a house boat was going to be, if they could just get there.
‘My names John and my dad owns this place’ as he stretched out his hand to shake Piet’s hand and then Eduardo, who now placed his drunken glare on John.
‘Hi’ said Nikita stretching her hand out ‘Our Kombi has broken down and is on the forecourt, I’ve no idea whats wrong with it’
‘And what’s your name?’ he asked as he stretched out her arm turned her hand and kissed it; she was flattered and could not help flashing her eyelashes at him.
‘Charmed’ she said as she pulled her hand away as Apache approached the bar and Eduardo handed him a cold beer.
‘Who’s this?’
‘Hi I am John I was just offering you guy’s some help, we own the Hotel and Garage, you look like a fun lively crowd of people’ he said ‘Can I help you with your car? But on one condition you let me join you on this trip?’








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NickyWilder at 11:04 on 27 November 2008  Report this post
Its written, all I need is some feedback from all you lovely people, it would be so appreciated. Only one person has read the book and he called me at the end and said it brought tears to his eyes. I had to apologize for making him cry but thanked him for the emotional response to the twists and turns that concludes at the open end. Thank you in advance for any comments, only joined the site today so still getting used to how it all works.
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NMott at 12:33 on 27 November 2008  Report this post
I've tweeked some bits and added some comments in brackets - some (if not all) of which will be irrelevant because I'm commenting on an extract from a larger piece, so really it's just first impressions of this small extract.


‘Eduardo, you stop drinking now!’
A man walked over.
{You could add a little bit of a character sketch to introduce him to the reader. What's the man's name?}
‘You guys ok?’ he asked, grinning at them. He looked interested in joining in on the party
{ - whose point of view (pov) is that from?}.
He had heard Nikita and Jane discussing how wonderful a few days on a house boat was going to be - if only they could get there.
{this is Tell. It would be better to have the actual dialogue here, rather than a summary from John's pov.}
‘My names John and my dad owns this place’
{- who is talking here? And what is this place?}
as he stretched out his hand to shake Piet’s hand
{- so far you've mentioned Eduardo, Nikita, Jane and John, so where did Piet come from?}
and then Eduardo's,
{- he's told Eduardo off for drinking, so presumably they know each other well, so why would he now shake his hand as though they were stangers?}
who now placed his drunken glare on John.
{- Maybe better to say, 'who glared drunkenly at John'}
‘Hi’ said Nikita stretching out her hand. ‘Our Kombi has broken down and is on the forecourt, I’ve no idea whats wrong with it’
‘And what’s your name?’ he asked
{- I think it would sound more natural if he asked her her name after she's said "Hi", but befoe she mentions breaking down. It's the sort of thing someone would say after they discover John helps to run a garage, so a little more introduction/dialogue needed here}
as he stretched out her arm turned her hand and kissed it
{- the actions are a little confusing here};
she was flattered and could not help flashing her eyelashes at him.
{- you've switched pov here from John to Nikita. It's best to stick with one character's pov in each scene, or chapter, otherwise it gets confusing for the reader (called 'head hopping', where the author tries to show the reader what everyone's thinking. But that is un-necessary since most of it will be in the characters' dialogue and small gestures.}.
‘Charmed’ she said, pulled her hand away as Apache {who's this?} approached the bar. Eduardo handed him a cold beer.
‘Who’s this?'
{- who said that? and who is he talking to?}
‘Hi,' said John. 'I was just offering you guys some help. We own the Hotel and Garage.
{- as mentioned before, the information about owning the garage would have been better if placed earlier in the extract}
You look like a fun lively crowd of people. I help you with your car, but on one condition: if you let me join you on this trip.’


Hope some of it helps, but feel free to ignore it.


- NaomiM

<Added>

PS. Describing the characters in the scene:
If you are writng it from John's pov, you can have him thinking of each person in the group, so as to describe them to the reader in the form of little, one line, character sketches - not eye colour but what makes them unique/interesting.
If you are just telling it from John's pov in this scene it would be difficult to give a character sketch of him, because people don't usually think about themselves. However, if he's covered in oil and grease,and his shirt is undone, from working on the cars in the garage, you could make him selfconscious about his dirty hands, and trying to tidy himself up a bit, before shaking hands, and that would help the reader to visualise him.
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NickyWilder at 12:53 on 27 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Naomi

Just from this little bit of advise you have given me here, I can get my extra 15k of words into the book ), It seems that I still have a lot of editing to do to get this story flowing properly, although this is just a small clip of the book, I do explain the characters leading up to this extract.

I have another question for you.
What are the ethics about erotica and sexual scene's in a book, how explicit can a writer be or should be, is it better to leave it more to the imagination or explain it in great detail?

Regards
Nicky
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NickyWilder at 13:33 on 27 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks again Naomi,

I have read Emma’s blog and agree that sex needs to be included naturally with just as much explanation and passion that you would explain other non sexual parts of a story. But I will try and leave smut at the door..

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