Running For Love by tusker - WriteWords.org.uk

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Running For Love

by tusker

Posted: 20 November 2008
Word Count: 257
Summary: For Flash 1 challenge

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Grasshoppers clicked. Birds drowsed in hedgerows. The sun beat down and a light hot breeze bent the heads of long grass towards the west.
Spike, his skinny legs pumping up and down,kept at the same pace around the field sending up puffs of pollen in his wake.

Jake, sitting on the stile overlooking Quay’s Field, could see his friend’s bare chest and ribs almost swelling out with the exertion of running.

Then, halfway around the field, Spike spotted his friend. Jake waved but Spike didn’t wave back. Reaching the stile, dirty fingers pushing dark hair away from his forehead, Spike sunk to the ground, panting.

‘Are you okay?’ Jake asked. Breathless, Spike nodded and Jake jumping down from the stile, sat beside his friend. ‘How many times did you run around the field?’

Spike shrugged. ‘Five. Maybe six times.’

Jake let out a sound of admiration and Spike, plucking out at a blade of grass, sucked at the its sweet root in contemplation.

‘She’s not worth it, Spike,’ Jake said. ‘If Amy Lou prefers that nerd, Jon Lee, let her have him.’ Silence fell. Then he added, ‘Anyway, she’s fifteen. She’s too old.’

Spike cocked his head to one side and said, ‘Jon Lee’s got into the sprint finals and Amy Lou’s in the discus finals.’

‘She’ll be all muscle when she gets to sixteen. She’ll grow a moustache and all,’ Jake pointed out.

For a long moment, Spike chewed on his blade of grass before admitting with some regret,‘Just as well ‘cause I don’t like running.’

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Jordan789 at 23:11 on 20 November 2008 Report this post

This is funny and enjoyable.

There's something odd about having a character named "Spike" although I suppose it could be a nick name, given their ages.

The dialogue all works very well, and I think the only places I would work on are the beginning action sequence.

Firstly, something strikes me odd about starting this with the grasshoppers. Maybe it's their minutia, or their "clicking" but it doesn't feel right. I suppose I want Jake introduced right away, so that any of these observations can be his to have. Otherwise, as scene setting, they seem moot.

Start with Jake: "Jake sat on the stile overlooking QUay's Field. He watched his friend's legs pump and kick up puffs of pollen. Grasshoppers clicked. Birds drowsed in hedgerows. The sun... etc." I don't know if you should give all of that scene detail, or where you should give it, because you want the reader to feel that this kid running around the field is doing so angrily and with a bit of desperation.

You've a tendancy of using infinite verb forms (the type ending in "ing") at the start of sentences which I don't think is necessarily healthy, and it slows down sentences that I think should be sharper.

Reaching the stile, dirty fingers pushing dark hair away from his forehead, Spike sunk to the ground, panting.

About four other sentences start with this same structure.

This structure is common in mystery or thriller genre writing, ex. "Raising the gun to the robber's temple..." "Slowly opening the cellar door..." So the reader can be shocked when the gun pops, or a headless body tumbles out.

Try to make it more straight forward. "When he reached the stile he dropped to the ground, panting."

Couple minor things: Focusing on the ribs expanding of a kid who's far off in the field seems a little bit too microscopic. If he has binoculars, then maybe, otherwise I'd keep his POV held back a little.

ALso, what is "a sound of admiration"?

And, is grass sweet? The grass I've tasted is bitter and, well, the roots are usually covered in dirt. Of course, I don't eat that much or many varieties of it.

I've been very nitpicky, and I hope some of this was helpful. I know there are many different styles and types of writing, so, as always, take this all with a grain of salt. Or a handful.

Jordan