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Surviving

by tractor 

Posted: 15 November 2008
Word Count: 519
Summary: For the Lost challenge


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Alice wakes as the first commuter train rolls into the station. Before opening her eyes she feels to make sure her handbag is still buttoned safely within her overcoat. The warm tongue of the Jack Russell teases the searching fingers.

‘Good boy Ben, you looked after Mummy.’

She’ll need to find a hostel soon, even if people do say bad things about them. It’s early December. Last night she kept warm sleeping by the air conditioning vents of an office building, moved on only once by a security guard. At least here they don’t hose your doss with water.

Rubbing the circulation back into her legs, she uses the wall to help her into a standing position. The arthritis starts to gnaw almost immediately. The only thing that will keep it at bay is movement. She squeezes back into her sensible flat shoes.

They take the stairs down to the station concourse, wheeled suitcase bumping down after them. Ben hates the elevator.

She counts out the change and descends into the ‘pay for your pee’ public toilets. In the cubicle, she changes her underclothes and stockings. The cream blouse and grey suit she wears again.

The last of the Elizabeth Arden moisturiser helps smooth some of the wrinkles in her seamed face.

Looking like an ordinary rail traveller, she enters one of the many coffee shops and purchases a pot of tea for breakfast.

A free newspaper left by an earlier customer confirms the world still functions without her. There’s doom and gloom and tales about celebrities. House repossessions are at record numbers. She frowns at the thought of being part of this statistic.

The commuters are arriving in floods. She’s come to identify the ‘clerks’ racing the clock; the heavy-booted ‘workers;’ the ‘bosses’ meandering, unhurried croissant munchers.

Thinking of pastries stirs Alice’s hunger. She spends thirty minutes checking the telephone islands for rejected coins. She has to add from her hoard to buy a plain cheese roll.

The day passes her like a stream, hardly touching the bank. A walk down to the street market and a laugh with a fruit stall owner yields some apples.

She passes young people sitting on the pavement, heads down and a collection box in front of each of them. She selects a despondent boy and gives a note fished from the depths of her handbag. Now she has only small change to see the day through.

She’s thinks about buying another coffee and eating the apples. Perhaps a walk to the West End to see the Christmas lights will numb the pain in her legs.

Entering the pedestrian subway, a shove in the back sends her sprawling. Eyes full of tears do not register the youth pulling her handbag from her shoulder. She sees another youth, the one she gave the money, pick up her case and run away, laughing. People are fussing around her.

The same evening, sitting with a police woman, she is laughing. The case and all her clothes are gone but the handbag has been found, torn and muddy. The photograph of her husband is safe inside.










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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 17:12 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
That is a sad picture you've drawn and who knows... Doesn't bear thinking about. But the poignancy of that photograph brought a tear to the eye. I don't think she'd be laughing though.

DP at 17:27 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
It is indeed a sad picture you've drawn, which is helped by the scenes you show us. There's enough in the description of your character to feel for her, and plenty not said to leave us thinking.

The only unresovled point, for me, was what happened to her dog? When her bags were snatched I thought the dog was going to make a reappearance.


tractor at 18:01 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Oonah and David,

thanks for commenting.

Oonah - I think she's laughing hysterically ....someone fetch her some sweet tea!

David - Good point about the dog. I supposed I'm used to my own JRs wandering off to find interesting things so just didn't focus on this. Perhaps I could have the little fellow chasing after the the thieves when I revise. In fact him being lost and then found might be a more tangible trauma for poor Alice than the photograph.

Cheers

Mark

LMJT at 18:12 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Hello!

I liked this and could clearly visualise the situation.

Some nits:

hose your doss

Didn't get this bit. Is it a typo?

The cream blouse and grey suit she wears again.

Rather awkward sentence.

She frowns at the thought of being part of this statistic.

Touching.

She has to add from her hoard

Add from or to?

She selects a despondent boy and gives a note fished from the depths of her handbag.

Maybe I'm a meanie, but I couldn't believe that she'd do this.

People are fussing around her.

A friend of mine was mugged in broad daylight the other day and non one came to help, just walked past. I think this would be stronger if she was on the floor expecting someone to come over, but no one does.

I liked the ending, but felt I needed to know if husband was dead or alive. I was left not feeling satisfied with the story, but with the question, 'Well, why isn't she with him then?'

Very well written, and a good take on the prompt.

Thanks for the read.

Liam

DP at 18:12 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Both of those sound like good possibilities!



LMJT at 18:16 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Oh! Good, glad that they were of use.

Liam

choille at 20:51 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Mark,

Very good.

Do they hose down their sleeping places - that's inhumane?

Unfortunately moisturiser - even Elizabeth Arden wouldn't smooth her wrinkles - t'is all lies;

I too wished to know of the dog's fate and liked your own suggestions for having him being protective of his mistress.

Don't know if she'd hand over her last note though.

She seems to have come down in the world - house repossession - one of those statistics?

Think you have some words missing here:
Eyes full of tears do not register [with] the youth pulling her handbag from her shoulder. She sees another youth, the one she gave the money [to], ....


Good flash
topical - unfortunately
All the best
Caroline

V`yonne at 20:51 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
Ah, hysterical laughter would make sense.

Jordan789 at 21:12 on 15 November 2008  Report this post
this is good. It starts with a concrete moment and action, and works its way through there. The ending seemed slightly abrubt, but to see this woman be brave and HAPPY at the end of the story, even after having her goods stolen... good for her. What an angel of a main character. Only thing i wasn't sure about did she have a dog tucked away into her handbag and jacket? I thought she did from the beginning, where she reached down and had her fingers licked, but then it wasn't mentioned again, so I figured not.

Anyway, thanks for the read!

Jordan

Forbes at 00:12 on 16 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Mark

I was with her all the way so you've got an attention grabber here. I agree on points about dog, last note, passers-by. But all fixable.

You made her human. Good one.

Cheers

Avis



Bunbry at 00:41 on 16 November 2008  Report this post
Dog, last note, passer by... You've heard these before but it didn't stop me thinking what a wonderful description of what it is like to be homeless. Time to count blessings I think.

Nick

tusker at 07:59 on 16 November 2008  Report this post
How sad. It really brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I too worried about the dog. Great flash.

Jennifer

tractor at 08:37 on 16 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks for commenting everyone and for the helpful suggestions.

Cheers

Mark

crowspark at 13:33 on 16 November 2008  Report this post
Nice piece of writing, Mark. There is a suggestion here that she isn't a typical homeless person but that is in conflict with the "dog on a string" collocation. Perhaps it would be better to lose the dog?
Excellent take on the challenge.

Bill

Prospero at 17:12 on 23 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Mark

This is an interesting evocation of the recently disposessed, be it a physical or mental loss.

As with the others I was a bit confused about the dog, and also about her giving away her precious money. But then as I said she may be suffering from dementia an dthen her behaviour would make more sense.

Best

John


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